Well. The end of my first 'semester' (Am I allowed to say that if I'm not in school anymore?) of being the struggling NYC actor. I'm not entirely sure I would call it a success. It's been a lot of blank-faced 'thank yous', rejections, wastes of time, disappointments, and even the rare complimentary auditioner... who still doesn't even give me a callback. I even had one guy say, literally, 'GREAT job, James! Very good. Go wait in the room, buddy.' So I waited. They never called me back in. That was one of the most frustrating days.
For those who don't know how the entertainment industry works, it's still very much based on unions. There's the Screen Actors Guild, and Equity, the stage actor's union. There is another, smaller union as well. Point being: I am not a member of any of these unions because I have never been cast in a union show or film. I am what is known as a 'Non-Eq'; there's quite a horde of us. We wait from morning til evening at Equity Union calls, our names on a list that may or may not be seen. Any Equity member that walks in gets preference over us, BUT when they happen to have space, they fit us in. Now, the auditioners (people behind the table) are pre-told that we are non-union, so we are automatically a step down in their minds. But hey. We give it our all in those Equity calls anyway. Sometimes you don't get in, though. I seemed to be cursed with not getting in my first month; twice they called the Non-Eq person right in front of me on the list and then ran out of time. Those were tough days too.
I wouldn't say that this 'term' has been without its charms. I have fond memories of cheering on the runners in the NYC Marathon from our fire escape as they schlepped past us on 1st Ave; I think Julie & I were the LAST people cheering that day. And I did make a short student film that was quite an experience within itself. If I understand the script (which I'm still not sure I do), this lazy slob recieves a plant on his doorstep that has magical powers and tries to make him be more active and healthy... until it gets destroyed by a crazed lumberjack. I've gotta say, the two days of filming were two of the most fun days I've had since returning to this city. And there's been other experiences, other times.
Still. I would be lying if I said this has been an easy four months. I really thought I would have gotten an acting job by now, and I haven't. Having dropped out of school, I don't see hardly anyone anymore, and pretty frequently I feel very lonely. Weekends where no one sends or answers a text or asks me to do anything can make a guy feel pretty low. I constantly question the decision I've made, whether I'm on the right path career-wise, what I'm even doing here. I haven't been being healthy, which doesn't help the situation at all. And being told no over and over again, things not happening, and lack of activity all lead to a struggle to keep faith. We don't like what we don't understand; I don't like the way my life is right now. Sometimes holding on to 'faith' that there is a 'plan' seems foolish.
But faith is what brought me to the decision to leave school. Faith is what brought me to New York City last year. Every step of the way I have told God that I was giving it to Him. So I must believe that there is reason. I've got to keep believing that.
And, as hard as it is sometimes, I have to fight against despondency. I am alive. I am (relatively) healthy. I have a wonderful family, particularly a wonderful sister who has been with me the whole time. And I have passions and dreams that sometimes still overwhelm me. Walking down the street today, not too cold, just cool and crisp, the sun shining, the sound of light traffic and children and people living their lives; Sometimes you have to find happiness in just being alive. I mean after all, that's more than some people can say.
I am alive. I am unique and important. I am not giving up because I am pursuing my oldest dream and greatest passion. And (most days) that is enough.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Things That Annoy Me in NYC
So for some time I've been planning to let you all in on the list of things that drive me up a wall on an almost daily basis about this city. Let's dive right in, shall we?
Today was a rainy day, and Staples ticked me off so I decided to finally write my whiny, complaining post about how my life is so hard this afternoon. Then I got on the subway ride home and there was a woman in the car with me that couldn't sit up straight, was totally unbalanced (I tend to think mentally as well as physically), and just clearly was messed up. I didn't know what to do. Some people laughed. I was scared to death she was going to tumble headfirst into the aisle. I wanted to help her (I wasn't the only one), but what could I do? So I just got off at my stop, and felt ridiculous that I didn't ask her if she needed help or knew where her stop was... or if she could stand up when she got there. And immediately I realized that I've got it good, and no matter how much of a pushy, impatient New Yorker I become, I better never forget where how big I'm blessed. And all these miniscule little annoyances should never keep me from taking a breath, putting it in perspective, putting on a smile, and being damn grateful for what I've got.
*Sub-Note: You can subscribe to these blogs in the top right corner so that you'll receive them in your email when there's a new one.
- Trash. I've been to Boston. It is possible to keep a big city clean, but it has not been achieved in New York City yet. Here's hoping they figure it out one day.
- Saunterers. These are the people that apparently have nowhere to get to and nothing to do- they're just out to wander the streets of the biggest city in America and take it all in the most lackadaisical way you can imagine. They can attack anywhere. On the street. Entering and exiting the subway (so that you must literally herd them out the door in order to not miss your stop). In restaurants, on running tracks. They're movement generally involves walking in anything but a straight line as well. Which makes it all the worse.
- The people who stop IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED STREET AT THE MOST INOPPORTUNE TIME because apparently they've suddenly been overcome with a revelation of some sort that literally stopped them in their tracks. They seem to enjoy doing this right in front of me.
- Escalator-Blockers. For those of you unaware, there's an unspoken rule on escalators: if possible, stand on the right side if you're going to ride, leaving the left side free for those of us in a bit more of a hurry to walk up. Some people (not gonna lie. mostly women.) appear to find some deep-rooted satisfaction in being the person who chooses to stand on the left, blocking everyone behind them even if there's an open space to their left where they could stand instead. Is anarchy taking over? Is this real life??
- The MTA, aka the Subway System. It is beyond my understanding how there is incessant work to be done on the Subway lines, and what is even more confounding is how it always needs to be done on the days when I'm in a hurry. Delays, changes in service, inexplicable huge crowds on the platform; you name it, it's made me late. And let's not start on the smell.
- It's expensive.
- It's expansive.
- It's crowded.
- It's expensive (worth mentioning again. All though life seems to be generally expensive these days no matter where you are.)
- People don't know how to do their jobs. If Julie were writing this post, it would be about the Post Office employees. Since it's my blog, we're gonna talk about Staples. Staples and I are not on good terms at the moment. The first time I went to Staples to print off my headshot and resume, the guy was so helpful, he figured out how to print my picture at perfect lightness/darkness, and it was cheap. I've been needing a refill. Throughout this past week I have been told by various Staples that they can't give me my prints until the next day (while I'm standing right in front of them in their open store with my flash drive), that they didn't know how to do that for me, that I could go do it myself (they'd give me the photo paper), and now today I finally went back to the original store and the guy couldn't match my picture at all, none of them looked as good as my first set did no matter how many ways he tried, and it cost me almost $40. I feel like it cost me less than $10 last time. Feeling an explosion coming on, I paid the sum and exited the store. Into the rain. (Again, this lack of intelligence in the workplace may not be limited to the city)
Today was a rainy day, and Staples ticked me off so I decided to finally write my whiny, complaining post about how my life is so hard this afternoon. Then I got on the subway ride home and there was a woman in the car with me that couldn't sit up straight, was totally unbalanced (I tend to think mentally as well as physically), and just clearly was messed up. I didn't know what to do. Some people laughed. I was scared to death she was going to tumble headfirst into the aisle. I wanted to help her (I wasn't the only one), but what could I do? So I just got off at my stop, and felt ridiculous that I didn't ask her if she needed help or knew where her stop was... or if she could stand up when she got there. And immediately I realized that I've got it good, and no matter how much of a pushy, impatient New Yorker I become, I better never forget where how big I'm blessed. And all these miniscule little annoyances should never keep me from taking a breath, putting it in perspective, putting on a smile, and being damn grateful for what I've got.
*Sub-Note: You can subscribe to these blogs in the top right corner so that you'll receive them in your email when there's a new one.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The Return of the New York Experience!
So since I returned to New York City, I've been wondering how to go about starting to blog again. It seemed like a heck of alot of pressure and build-up after several months of non-blogging; how do I sum up what's happened over the past months, where do I start, does anyone read this, WHAT AM I DOING??? Oh, another day gone by! But then I thought what the heck. I'm just going to start like I never stopped. So here goes.
The other night I attended a fancy-shmancy charity gala for Broadway in South Africa. My friend helped organize the thing, and asked if anybody would be willing to volunteer the night of. With the promise of celebrities and feeling good about helping out, I agreed. I put on my cool clothes, tied my own tie for the very first time (Why didn't I just follow a step-by-step video online years ago?), and wore my glasses for some extra flair.
Broadway in South Africa is group of working Broadway actors who have joined together to go to South Africa and teach arts camps at the schools. They've seen kids leave gangs, come back to school for the first time in years, graduate and go to college. They've seen them begin to write music and plays, perform; the singers and the kids at the gala performed all original songs written by the kids. The program has gone from a small group of actors with an idea to the big charity it was.
It was ritzy, all right. I helped shepherd people into the right doors, make sure their names were on the list, etc. Then as everybody got settled, I snuck up to the balcony and snagged a good seat. The lights went down, and the first girl began to sing, and it was too much for me. It was beautiful. Such a pure, powerful voice, moving everyone in that room to cheers. It reminded me once again why I've chosen this life: Because art, entertainment, music, drama is powerful. It's important, and it moves people. Here's a group of actors literally changing lives with what they do. It was a nice little wake up call. Oh yes. That's why I'm here. That's what I'm working to achieve.
For those of you who don't know, I decided not to return to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this year. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but it was a leap of faith I had to take. That's the key word right there: Faith. That's what I'm living on these days. But I know that there is a reason, and I know that there is a plan. Now begin the days of auditions, open calls, finding work, and being told 'NO THANKS' (or getting no response at all) over and over again. Some days I feel like a true New York actor, rushing from audition to audition, singing my heart out, and handing out resumes and headshots left and right. Other days I wonder what the heck I've gotten myself into. But even on the worst of days, I find ways to remember what I'm working toward, with little reminders like the one I got the other night. And I have confidence in knowing that I'm being taken where I need to go. You don't drink the water if you don't dig the well. So I'm gonna keep on digging. And I know that one day I'm gonna hit a spring. And it will burst forth and shoot into the air like a geyser, powerful and dynamic to all who see it.
(At least I hope so.)
The other night I attended a fancy-shmancy charity gala for Broadway in South Africa. My friend helped organize the thing, and asked if anybody would be willing to volunteer the night of. With the promise of celebrities and feeling good about helping out, I agreed. I put on my cool clothes, tied my own tie for the very first time (Why didn't I just follow a step-by-step video online years ago?), and wore my glasses for some extra flair.
Broadway in South Africa is group of working Broadway actors who have joined together to go to South Africa and teach arts camps at the schools. They've seen kids leave gangs, come back to school for the first time in years, graduate and go to college. They've seen them begin to write music and plays, perform; the singers and the kids at the gala performed all original songs written by the kids. The program has gone from a small group of actors with an idea to the big charity it was.
It was ritzy, all right. I helped shepherd people into the right doors, make sure their names were on the list, etc. Then as everybody got settled, I snuck up to the balcony and snagged a good seat. The lights went down, and the first girl began to sing, and it was too much for me. It was beautiful. Such a pure, powerful voice, moving everyone in that room to cheers. It reminded me once again why I've chosen this life: Because art, entertainment, music, drama is powerful. It's important, and it moves people. Here's a group of actors literally changing lives with what they do. It was a nice little wake up call. Oh yes. That's why I'm here. That's what I'm working to achieve.
For those of you who don't know, I decided not to return to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts this year. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but it was a leap of faith I had to take. That's the key word right there: Faith. That's what I'm living on these days. But I know that there is a reason, and I know that there is a plan. Now begin the days of auditions, open calls, finding work, and being told 'NO THANKS' (or getting no response at all) over and over again. Some days I feel like a true New York actor, rushing from audition to audition, singing my heart out, and handing out resumes and headshots left and right. Other days I wonder what the heck I've gotten myself into. But even on the worst of days, I find ways to remember what I'm working toward, with little reminders like the one I got the other night. And I have confidence in knowing that I'm being taken where I need to go. You don't drink the water if you don't dig the well. So I'm gonna keep on digging. And I know that one day I'm gonna hit a spring. And it will burst forth and shoot into the air like a geyser, powerful and dynamic to all who see it.
(At least I hope so.)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Final Days
I have 3 days left in the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, including today. Tomorrow my first second-series (don't think too hard about it) exam play goes up. The final one will follow on Monday. Then I'll be leaving New York City for the summer a mere few days afterward. Crazy.
This is from some time ago, but it still inspires me every single time. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever; happened on national TV, at a mainstream, secular music event. Watch everyone's reactions. Gotta love country music. I hope one day I can be of use like this. I hope you enjoy it. Taken from yahoo.com, the video is at the bottom.
Carrie Underwood was just one of many huge names in the allstar lineup, but her duet with Vince Gill of the classic standard "How Great Thou Art" managed to bring down the entire house--and internet, at that. According to Yahoo! data, searches for Underwood's rendition of the tune spiked a whopping 362% on Saturday.
If that weren't enough, the video of the performance has received nearly a million views, and has drawn extraordinarily high praise--with comments ranging from "Wow! God was in the house," "I am not a Christian but this is truly beautiful," "She is an angel" to "This is the most moving version of that song I have ever heard," "She rocks 'em and socks 'em," "I'm speechless."
One user even went where most dare not tread, and compared Underwood to the King himself--"I thought that nobody could come close to singing this song like Elvis did during his concerts. I was wrong, Carrie put her heart and soul into this amazing version!"
Underwood and Gill's fellow stars in the audience appeared moved by the performance, as well. Martina McBride stares transfixed at the stage, the ordinarily humorous Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert watch reverently, while Sugarland's Kristian Bush nods his head and Jennifer Nettles mouths "What a voice."
After hitting the final, climactic notes, Underwood wrapped the powerful performance up with a hug for Gill. Then, she wiped away a few tears...and faced a standing ovation from her peers. How great, indeed.
This is from some time ago, but it still inspires me every single time. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever; happened on national TV, at a mainstream, secular music event. Watch everyone's reactions. Gotta love country music. I hope one day I can be of use like this. I hope you enjoy it. Taken from yahoo.com, the video is at the bottom.
Carrie Underwood's 'How Great Thou Art' Moves The Masses
It's no surprise that country music fans were anticipating the TV special Girls Night Out: Superstar Women of Country, which was taped at the 2011 Academy of Country Music Awards weekend earlier this month and aired Friday night on CBS. However, it was a gospel song performed at the show that unexpectedly crossed all boundary lines and created a viral sensation over the weekend.Carrie Underwood was just one of many huge names in the allstar lineup, but her duet with Vince Gill of the classic standard "How Great Thou Art" managed to bring down the entire house--and internet, at that. According to Yahoo! data, searches for Underwood's rendition of the tune spiked a whopping 362% on Saturday.
If that weren't enough, the video of the performance has received nearly a million views, and has drawn extraordinarily high praise--with comments ranging from "Wow! God was in the house," "I am not a Christian but this is truly beautiful," "She is an angel" to "This is the most moving version of that song I have ever heard," "She rocks 'em and socks 'em," "I'm speechless."One user even went where most dare not tread, and compared Underwood to the King himself--"I thought that nobody could come close to singing this song like Elvis did during his concerts. I was wrong, Carrie put her heart and soul into this amazing version!"
Underwood and Gill's fellow stars in the audience appeared moved by the performance, as well. Martina McBride stares transfixed at the stage, the ordinarily humorous Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert watch reverently, while Sugarland's Kristian Bush nods his head and Jennifer Nettles mouths "What a voice."
After hitting the final, climactic notes, Underwood wrapped the powerful performance up with a hug for Gill. Then, she wiped away a few tears...and faced a standing ovation from her peers. How great, indeed. Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Only in New York
Saturday night Amy, Julie, and I decided it was time for a Chipotle run (a ridiculously common occurrence for me), and walked our way down to the nearest one on 85th. Being dinner time, it was crowded and the only seats left were at the bar facing the large window that looked onto the street. We finished our food, and idled in our seats. There was music playing overhead, and a particularly beat-tastic song came on, and, naturally, the three of us began to dance in rhythm together. The response from passersby on the street was overwhelming- every person that walked by began to laugh or cheer or join in the dancing- I couldn't keep a straight face myself. This all culminated in a group of teenage boys walking by who became especially enthralled in our dancing... They walked on, but one of them returned moments later and mooned us for all to see. I don't know about the rest of you, but I consider this ultimate praise! I also appropriately recently discovered a new favorite quote: "We are all fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well just dance."
The night before that was one of the most fun I've had in the city, having a grand old time with all the people from school. Let's just say it involved a rooftop (with a view of the Empire State Building!), music, dancing, and lasted (for me at least) until nearly 5 in the morning. It was fantastic.
A few weeks ago, a clearly deranged and drugged out man got on the train with me, talking quite loudly to someone who was not there. I think he may have been finishing a conversation from earlier- You know how we all think of the things we should have said after we've talked to someone? Well this guy was saying those things out loud as if the guy could still hear him. Little gems like, "Got a fine woman on your arm, can't take care of her. I take care of my women!!" and "I fear no man! I walk with the LAWD!!!" At first he was just annoying the crap out of me- how many crazies can there BE in this city??!- and I was quite tempted to speak up and force him to stop. While I was trying to figure out the best way to run quickly after saying something, I began to want more than to make him shut it. I genuinely started considering asking him, "Excuse me, who are you talking to?" The answer could have been fascinating. Unfortunately, an old man got on the train and the crazy dude started addressing the general assembly asking, "What has happened to this country?! Tell me! What has happened?!" The old man asked him what he thought had happened, prompting crazy dude to stand and say he asked first. Old man began to explain exactly what had happened to this country- successive bad administrations, which caused Crazy to exclaim how he was an idiot and successful administrations weren't the issue. I began dreading the inevitable saving of the Old Man I was going to have to perform, but luckily Crazy got off at the next stop. Old Man turned to all of us and said those always-true words: "Only in New York."
Tonight... I guess I could talk about the stuff that isn't so great. But there's not much point in focusing on that, is there? And though half the time things still don't really make sense to me, I'm beginning to think I might be thinking a bit too much.
So carry on, folks. Keep that head up, even when you would like nothing more than to bang it against the table repeatedly. Song that has pretty much been my anthem for the past few weeks:
The night before that was one of the most fun I've had in the city, having a grand old time with all the people from school. Let's just say it involved a rooftop (with a view of the Empire State Building!), music, dancing, and lasted (for me at least) until nearly 5 in the morning. It was fantastic.
A few weeks ago, a clearly deranged and drugged out man got on the train with me, talking quite loudly to someone who was not there. I think he may have been finishing a conversation from earlier- You know how we all think of the things we should have said after we've talked to someone? Well this guy was saying those things out loud as if the guy could still hear him. Little gems like, "Got a fine woman on your arm, can't take care of her. I take care of my women!!" and "I fear no man! I walk with the LAWD!!!" At first he was just annoying the crap out of me- how many crazies can there BE in this city??!- and I was quite tempted to speak up and force him to stop. While I was trying to figure out the best way to run quickly after saying something, I began to want more than to make him shut it. I genuinely started considering asking him, "Excuse me, who are you talking to?" The answer could have been fascinating. Unfortunately, an old man got on the train and the crazy dude started addressing the general assembly asking, "What has happened to this country?! Tell me! What has happened?!" The old man asked him what he thought had happened, prompting crazy dude to stand and say he asked first. Old man began to explain exactly what had happened to this country- successive bad administrations, which caused Crazy to exclaim how he was an idiot and successful administrations weren't the issue. I began dreading the inevitable saving of the Old Man I was going to have to perform, but luckily Crazy got off at the next stop. Old Man turned to all of us and said those always-true words: "Only in New York."
Tonight... I guess I could talk about the stuff that isn't so great. But there's not much point in focusing on that, is there? And though half the time things still don't really make sense to me, I'm beginning to think I might be thinking a bit too much.
So carry on, folks. Keep that head up, even when you would like nothing more than to bang it against the table repeatedly. Song that has pretty much been my anthem for the past few weeks:
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Successful Weekend!
Okay. Last October, me and my friends Alex, Jake, and Kyra happened to be in Madison Square Park at around 11 in the morning checking out the Shake Shack. As is usual with that park in the fall months there was some kind of music festival going on, and as we sat down a little band took the stage called Tim and the Space Cadets, singing fantastically cool kids rock songs like Superhero and The Greatest Party Ever. We instantly became the group's biggest fans, heading backstage like stalkers and making our way to lead singer Tim. Six months and several Facebook requests later, today we found ourselves at Kindiefest in Brooklyn catching the Space Cadets once again. Before we knew what was happening, we had T-shirts and CDs, were chilling with Tim and friends, pulling roadie duty and helping load up the merch, and heading out to eat with pretty much the coolest band ever.
It turned into a pretty awesome afternoon, folks. These guys are rockin', and Jake, Alex, and I were definitely starstruck, flipping out, and every other version of excited. Tim is legitimately our hero, and now we don't have to feel like creepy stalkers when we say that- We know that guy! If you wanna check out the band you can go here: http://www.timandthespacecadets.com/. I recommend 'em, yo.
Yesterday evening was spent at Coney Island with friends, and all I can say about that is LOVE. Between frisbee wars, volleyball, picture-taking frenzies, and eating dinner at McDonalds like true Americans, I had one of the most wonderful nights in a long time.
One half of my first series of Exam Plays at school is done; I performed in Bury the Dead on Friday. It's such strange work, acting. When you're performing, it's difficult to ever know whether you're doing well or not. I'm guessing this is particularly true of deeply emotional roles, which Bury the Dead certainly was (Dead soldiers rising out of the grave, refusing to be buried despite begging by the significant women in their lives. Ya, it's heavy.) The compliments I received from friends and faculty afterward were probably the most humbling experience I've gone through in awhile. Tomorrow is the final performance of my second show, The Shadow Box, and then it's on to two new plays! I can't believe this school year will be over in just a few weeks. That's crazy.
Day by day, I try to stay strong. It's not easy; it still hurts. I still don't really understand. But I guess I don't have to. Days like these, moments of wonder, joy... I'm grateful for those. The rest I'll try to let go and let Him take care of.
It turned into a pretty awesome afternoon, folks. These guys are rockin', and Jake, Alex, and I were definitely starstruck, flipping out, and every other version of excited. Tim is legitimately our hero, and now we don't have to feel like creepy stalkers when we say that- We know that guy! If you wanna check out the band you can go here: http://www.timandthespacecadets.com/. I recommend 'em, yo.
Yesterday evening was spent at Coney Island with friends, and all I can say about that is LOVE. Between frisbee wars, volleyball, picture-taking frenzies, and eating dinner at McDonalds like true Americans, I had one of the most wonderful nights in a long time.
One half of my first series of Exam Plays at school is done; I performed in Bury the Dead on Friday. It's such strange work, acting. When you're performing, it's difficult to ever know whether you're doing well or not. I'm guessing this is particularly true of deeply emotional roles, which Bury the Dead certainly was (Dead soldiers rising out of the grave, refusing to be buried despite begging by the significant women in their lives. Ya, it's heavy.) The compliments I received from friends and faculty afterward were probably the most humbling experience I've gone through in awhile. Tomorrow is the final performance of my second show, The Shadow Box, and then it's on to two new plays! I can't believe this school year will be over in just a few weeks. That's crazy.
Day by day, I try to stay strong. It's not easy; it still hurts. I still don't really understand. But I guess I don't have to. Days like these, moments of wonder, joy... I'm grateful for those. The rest I'll try to let go and let Him take care of.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
One Day at a Time
New York Tip of the Week: For a lovely evening out, I highly recommend this delightful outing I just experienced. Take a stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun is setting. Enjoy the ample and varied people-watching available and make sure to snap some picture of that New York skyline. In Brooklyn, a mere walk from the bridge, is NYC's oldest and most-acclaimed pizzeria, Grimaldi's. A favorite of celebs as widespread as Rudy Guiliani and Frank Sinatra, Grimaldi's has been an institution in New York for decades. Thereby, you can expect to wait in line over an hour if you're arriving at dinner time. Never fear! There is also, just down the street, the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, another landmark with nowhere near so long a wait, and chilling with an ice cream cone to tide you over during that wait for pizza sounds just heavenly to me. Julie and I had this charming evening as the final night of our growth group bible study- which ended up pretty much being the two of us and the two leaders. Afterwards, Brian and Cynthia decided against a return trip across the bridge, but Julie and I trekked it up all the way across the river and back to NYC. The view of the nighttime skyline was absolutely worth it.
This morning I went for a run in Central Park. Don't tell anyone, but it was the first time in weeks. Sadly, there hasn't been much motivation flowing from me as of late. But I must say I'm very glad I did it. I decided to up my game for my first time back out, and jogged my way around Central Park lake. If you are ever in this city during the spring, I insist that you take a run (or walk, for those of you less ambitious) around the lake. It is almost breathtakingly beautiful, the trees blooming in bright whites, pinks, and greens, the air never more refreshing. Kids play on the playgrounds, the birds and squirrels run all around you. I engage in surprise sprinting races with my fellow lake-runners. For that moment, all was well.
Tomorrow is the performance of my first exam play at school. And I'm going to show them all why I'm here.
This morning I went for a run in Central Park. Don't tell anyone, but it was the first time in weeks. Sadly, there hasn't been much motivation flowing from me as of late. But I must say I'm very glad I did it. I decided to up my game for my first time back out, and jogged my way around Central Park lake. If you are ever in this city during the spring, I insist that you take a run (or walk, for those of you less ambitious) around the lake. It is almost breathtakingly beautiful, the trees blooming in bright whites, pinks, and greens, the air never more refreshing. Kids play on the playgrounds, the birds and squirrels run all around you. I engage in surprise sprinting races with my fellow lake-runners. For that moment, all was well.
Tomorrow is the performance of my first exam play at school. And I'm going to show them all why I'm here.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Hope
Since returning to New York City and my dear American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I have handed out granola bars and bible verses to the homeless, drugged-out inhabitants of Union Square Park (I made quite a few friends!), ran four avenues to the subway at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain after a movie, pretended with my friend Vivian to be a young couple looking for a new bed and thoroughly testing each mattress at the mattress store, and been trapped between a stroller and a wheelchair on the subway as the train was coming to my stop (Who do you awkwardly ask to move?). I've also had quite a success story with the sisters- We have continued to run into this one particular guy from our building, finally me introducing myself, but we've failed to ever learn his number or which apartment he lives in. Therefore we attached a note to our door saying we would like to go bowling soon and would like him to join, and we received a note back saying that sounded delightful and giving us a phone number. The Addisons will prevail in our efforts to turn NYC into a charming Southern town!
I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.
I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.
It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...
I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.
Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3
"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31
"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26
"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.
Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.
I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.
I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.
I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.
It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...
I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.
Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3
"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31
"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26
"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.
Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.
I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Lost
I've been trying to come up with the words to say. I can't tell you how many times I've come to this page and then just stared at it. I questioned whether I should even bother to write about this, but this is what it is, so... I guess I still don't really know what to say...
As all of you know, life can turn on you sometimes. That has happened to me. It's been awhile since I've gone through a really rough time, but unfortunately that time has come again. More unfortunately, it is largely due to the same person it has been for almost two years now, and for largely the same reason. Perhaps most unfortunately of all is that this time has hit me harder than before. I find myself questioning everything I believe in, because suddenly it doesn't really make sense.
Vagueness, I know, is not appreciated. It is, however, somewhat necessary in this situation. Some of you know, many of you don't, that I returned to my hometown of Kemp, Tx during my spring break this past week for pretty much one reason: Because I thought that the relationship I've been pursuing for almost the past two years had finally come to be, just as I had always, in the deepest part of me, believed that it would. Last Friday night, everything I had hoped for seemed to be coming true. It was a perfect moment. But then it fell apart, and I fell with it.
How can I believe that it is meant to be and be wrong? How can it not be reciprocated? Was I wrong? It doesn't make sense.
I feel stupid for being so mistaken about this person. I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken by what they've done to me. I feel mad because of the difficulty of the situation for both of us, which played a huge role in why it didn't work out. I feel wasted because of how much time has been spent on this with no reward. And most awful is that for the past two years I have been pretty much solely relying on God to guide my steps. I have tried to live each day for him, through him, and by him. He led me here. I was continually brought back to this person no matter how many times I tried to end it. And it was for nothing? That doesn't make sense to me. And as hard as it is to explain exactly why, this current situation reveals to me some much larger issues with my life that I have pretty much no control over.
So what do you do when you become so lost? I don't know. I created the most perfect coping playlist ever created. I put on a happy face- I can always cry myself to sleep at night. Make the best of each day, if only for everyone else's sake. And I certainly ask for your prayers. This is going to tough, as evidenced by the plane ride to Colorado spent with tears streaming down my face (no doubt making the passengers around me most uncomfortable).
Life will go on. I know this. Right now, I am numb with emotion because I do not understand. But the fact that I am still acknowledging God with my anger means I still know that he’s real. And I believe that there can be reason behind this. I have to believe that.
"Stop worrying where you’re going- Move on. If you can know where you’re going, you’ve gone. Just keep moving on. I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You keep moving on."
I'm lost. I'm hoping to find the light again. Please keep me in your thoughts.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Perfect Moments
A couple days before the end of this semester I shared a moment in class with two of my section-mates of sheer, unadulerated joy. It wasn't anything amazing; we were talking about a certain Acting teacher of ours, and made a small joke that completely overtook all three of us in laughter. To someone on the outside, the joke probably wouldn't even be that funny. It was one of those moments where everything just happened to be right, where all tension was forgotten and we just laughed. It was one of the best moments of my week. Don't those moments just make it all worth it? They don't come all the time, but the stressful or difficult times make the perfect moments all the more meaningful. Today was one of those days, too.
A second semester of classes has come to an end for me at AADA- I'm sorry to see it go. This semester has challenged me, changed me, moved me in ways I never expected. I've learned so much, gained so much, experienced so much, and gotten to know some fantastic people. And without tooting my own horn, I was able to finish off the semester (particularly the last week) very proud of myself. When I go back next week, I'll be in Exam Plays: four productions to demonstrate your application of training in General American, Movement, Acting, etc. It'll be totally different again. And I can't wait.
A lovely week was spent with little brothers Ben and Sam, culminating (for me) in a KICK-AWESOME Broadway show, Memphis, the Central Park Zoo, and an evening trip to a deserted, haunting, and very cold Coney Island- It was actually one of my favorite things I've done since moving to the city. We wandered the empty beaches and gathered the coolest pieces of glass we could find (it's about as common as the sand).
Now I'm home, seeing amazing people and staying with the incomparable Liz and Sarah Joblin. There's no place like home is perhaps the most true statement ever made.
PS: I'm going to start doing an email notification every time I blog- Anyone interested in that leave your email for me. :)
A second semester of classes has come to an end for me at AADA- I'm sorry to see it go. This semester has challenged me, changed me, moved me in ways I never expected. I've learned so much, gained so much, experienced so much, and gotten to know some fantastic people. And without tooting my own horn, I was able to finish off the semester (particularly the last week) very proud of myself. When I go back next week, I'll be in Exam Plays: four productions to demonstrate your application of training in General American, Movement, Acting, etc. It'll be totally different again. And I can't wait.
A lovely week was spent with little brothers Ben and Sam, culminating (for me) in a KICK-AWESOME Broadway show, Memphis, the Central Park Zoo, and an evening trip to a deserted, haunting, and very cold Coney Island- It was actually one of my favorite things I've done since moving to the city. We wandered the empty beaches and gathered the coolest pieces of glass we could find (it's about as common as the sand).
Now I'm home, seeing amazing people and staying with the incomparable Liz and Sarah Joblin. There's no place like home is perhaps the most true statement ever made.
PS: I'm going to start doing an email notification every time I blog- Anyone interested in that leave your email for me. :)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Jay's Guide to Happy Life
This is kind of an awkward subject to talk about, but I feel compelled to share it. A few weeks ago, I had a bit of a mini-revelation, realizing that I'd let my busy schedule, my stress about school, the constant digging up of emotion we do in class, and the self-consciousness that comes with living in this city and being a performer get to me. I'm not always the person I really want to be; sometimes I look at myself (my attitude, the way I act toward others) and I'm a bit disappointed. So I spent that night praying and thinking, and I came up with this list:
JAY'S GUIDE TO HAPPY LIFE
1. Wear a rubber band on your wrist- Each time a negative thought enters your mind, snap the rubber band against your wrist. It's gonna sting. But you'll be amazed how quickly you stop thinking negatively. And it will help you realize how much negative thoughts you could get rid of during a day.
2. Devote yourself to what you do, whether it be school or work. No one can be fully satisfied halfway doing anything (If you can, you've got bigger problems than me). Take time each day to genuinely work on your 'craft' (And if you don't have a 'craft', get one!)
3. Confidence. You were created- CREATED, different from anyone else in the world. Special. Believe it.
4. Caring, Sympathetic kindness. Make an effort to become known for the good person you are.
5. Low, steady voice. This is kind of a personal one for me. Letting your voice give over to higher pitches shows insecurity. It's a problem of mine.... You can ignore it if you want. Awkward.
6. Exercise. DO IT. IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, I PROMISE.
7. Smile! Make constant eye contact. Don't be afraid to touch people.
8. Be mysterious. It makes you all the more interesting.
9. Run from stereotype- Defy it!
10. Express yourself. It's a cliche, sure. But get out what you're feeling in some way: Sing, play, embrace your emotions.
11. Never be bored. Play a game. Ride a bike. Fly a kite. Make a painting. Read a book. Write a book. Etc.
12. Move on. One of my favorite quotes: "I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken. The choosing was not. You keep moving on."
13. Trust in God. I guess if you're not 'religious', you can skip this one... but I wouldn't recommend it. There is nothing more true or real in my life than this. There is no one that gives me more comfort or hope or joy. "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There you go. Take it or leave it. It's a big list with some tall orders, I know. And I definitely can't say I've been successfully living by each rule and having a perfect life since. But I put it up on my wall. And I will be reminded of it during the day (usually when I'm messing up!). And step by step I'm working on it. And maybe, hopefully I can display the person I was created to be, the person He wants me to be, just a little bit better each day.
Video/Song I'm currently listening to on replay:
JAY'S GUIDE TO HAPPY LIFE
1. Wear a rubber band on your wrist- Each time a negative thought enters your mind, snap the rubber band against your wrist. It's gonna sting. But you'll be amazed how quickly you stop thinking negatively. And it will help you realize how much negative thoughts you could get rid of during a day.
2. Devote yourself to what you do, whether it be school or work. No one can be fully satisfied halfway doing anything (If you can, you've got bigger problems than me). Take time each day to genuinely work on your 'craft' (And if you don't have a 'craft', get one!)
3. Confidence. You were created- CREATED, different from anyone else in the world. Special. Believe it.
4. Caring, Sympathetic kindness. Make an effort to become known for the good person you are.
5. Low, steady voice. This is kind of a personal one for me. Letting your voice give over to higher pitches shows insecurity. It's a problem of mine.... You can ignore it if you want. Awkward.
6. Exercise. DO IT. IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, I PROMISE.
7. Smile! Make constant eye contact. Don't be afraid to touch people.
8. Be mysterious. It makes you all the more interesting.
9. Run from stereotype- Defy it!
10. Express yourself. It's a cliche, sure. But get out what you're feeling in some way: Sing, play, embrace your emotions.
11. Never be bored. Play a game. Ride a bike. Fly a kite. Make a painting. Read a book. Write a book. Etc.
12. Move on. One of my favorite quotes: "I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken. The choosing was not. You keep moving on."
13. Trust in God. I guess if you're not 'religious', you can skip this one... but I wouldn't recommend it. There is nothing more true or real in my life than this. There is no one that gives me more comfort or hope or joy. "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There you go. Take it or leave it. It's a big list with some tall orders, I know. And I definitely can't say I've been successfully living by each rule and having a perfect life since. But I put it up on my wall. And I will be reminded of it during the day (usually when I'm messing up!). And step by step I'm working on it. And maybe, hopefully I can display the person I was created to be, the person He wants me to be, just a little bit better each day.
Video/Song I'm currently listening to on replay:
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Two Adventures
Oh it's been a craaazy time. School is rushing by me- I was informed by someone today that there are only 17 school days left of this term. That's INSANE. Where has the time gone? I've certainly learned enough. Notebooks full of fantastic exercises, tips, techniques, approaches... I am truly thankful for the experiences I've had this semester. I've been challenged, changed, bettered. And still a month to go!
The staff certainly seems aware that time is running out. My calendar has never been so full in my entire life; pathetically it's all school assignments. Oh well. I guess I asked for it.
Meanwhile there have been many crazy adventures to contend with outside of my institution of learning as well. Recently, Amy, Julie, and I strolled out of the apartment and just as the door slammed shut I decided to ask, "You've got the keys, haven't you?". They hadn't, and the door had now locked automatically. It was Saturday and our Super doesn't answer calls on weekends. We went on with our lunch plans (locked out of an apartment is no reason to not eat), and after much deliberation decided there was a simple solution: Knock on the door of someone living above us (none of whom we've met) and ask if i can climb through their window and shimmy down the fire escape into Julie's window. I tentatively knocked on the door of the apartment above us. When it opened, my request was immediately granted by three 20-something dudes: "Sure! No problem! This isn't the first time!" (Which begs the question: Who ELSE have they let climb down the fire escape into apartments??). The endeavor was a total kick-awesome success, of which I'm very proud, and I managed to get invited to a party in the process. Chyeah!
Today I went to Madison Square Park with two friends during our break. It was just a random decision, but it turned out to be THE BEST decision of the day: We sat down in the middle of the park, and not ten minutes later a man set up right in front of us with a big bucket of suds and a homemade wand; he was blowing giant bubbles! It was amazing, and the three of us watched and clapped and cheered as he showed off his bubble-making skills- I think we were more excited than the many 5-year-olds gathered to watch. After awhile he asked the most wonderful question I've ever heard: "Is there anyone who'd like to try?" Our hands shot into the air so fast we had no choice but to leap up after them. I know I sound a little ridiculous, but really. It's the little things. Magic moments. Those are the things that keep you sane, make your life a happy experience. It's something I've always believed in: You can look all around you and find wonderful experiences, amazing little things to see that can brighten your whole day. I think things like that are miracles.
There's much more to tell, not enough time. I have an 11 hour day at school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. An ELEVEN HOUR DAY. With that, I bid you all goodnight. I will write again soon. :)
The staff certainly seems aware that time is running out. My calendar has never been so full in my entire life; pathetically it's all school assignments. Oh well. I guess I asked for it.
Meanwhile there have been many crazy adventures to contend with outside of my institution of learning as well. Recently, Amy, Julie, and I strolled out of the apartment and just as the door slammed shut I decided to ask, "You've got the keys, haven't you?". They hadn't, and the door had now locked automatically. It was Saturday and our Super doesn't answer calls on weekends. We went on with our lunch plans (locked out of an apartment is no reason to not eat), and after much deliberation decided there was a simple solution: Knock on the door of someone living above us (none of whom we've met) and ask if i can climb through their window and shimmy down the fire escape into Julie's window. I tentatively knocked on the door of the apartment above us. When it opened, my request was immediately granted by three 20-something dudes: "Sure! No problem! This isn't the first time!" (Which begs the question: Who ELSE have they let climb down the fire escape into apartments??). The endeavor was a total kick-awesome success, of which I'm very proud, and I managed to get invited to a party in the process. Chyeah!
Today I went to Madison Square Park with two friends during our break. It was just a random decision, but it turned out to be THE BEST decision of the day: We sat down in the middle of the park, and not ten minutes later a man set up right in front of us with a big bucket of suds and a homemade wand; he was blowing giant bubbles! It was amazing, and the three of us watched and clapped and cheered as he showed off his bubble-making skills- I think we were more excited than the many 5-year-olds gathered to watch. After awhile he asked the most wonderful question I've ever heard: "Is there anyone who'd like to try?" Our hands shot into the air so fast we had no choice but to leap up after them. I know I sound a little ridiculous, but really. It's the little things. Magic moments. Those are the things that keep you sane, make your life a happy experience. It's something I've always believed in: You can look all around you and find wonderful experiences, amazing little things to see that can brighten your whole day. I think things like that are miracles.
There's much more to tell, not enough time. I have an 11 hour day at school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. An ELEVEN HOUR DAY. With that, I bid you all goodnight. I will write again soon. :)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 23, 2011
Let's just be real: I lead a bizarre life. If you want to experience the highs and lows of emotion, really send yourself for a trip and a half, enroll in a drama school and devote yourself to the work. Take my word for it; it makes for an intense, volatile, exhausting, and challenging lifestyle. It can be both incredibly fulfilling and awfully upsetting- often in the same day.
Take today for example. Starting bright and early at 9 a.m. I had Vocal Production class, the final presentation of our duets. I felt me and my partner did well. The singing was good, our movement was effective, and the teacher complimented us. But then everybody else started going. And several of them did so well, and were so much more amusing. Already my mind is rushing through all the yucky, gloomy thoughts I take myself through: I'm not as entertaining as these other people, nobody here thinks I'm very good, I never get as good of songs as the others... all that crappy jazz. Then it came time to record the accompianment for our 16 bar audition pieces, and when we got to the one I was assigned it sounded nice and pretty. Exactly the kind of thing I didn't want to do anymore. It didn't help that I was ill-prepared. I had forgotten all about the audition pieces, so I hadn't listened to mine or taken the time to think of an alternative. By the time that class was over, I wanted nothing more than to get out of that school.
Thankfully, in yet another example of divine planning, I had a three hour break. And I walked to the subway with my friend Lauren who knew all the right things to say to make me put my attitude back in perspective. And I went home and had lunch and finished up my paper for Movement class and chilled. And I returned to school with fresh determination. Story of my life. And you know what? From that point on I had a pretty flippin' fantastic day. My classes went great (despite the fact that I left my laptop at home with the video for my Movement report on it!); I got placed front and center for my group number, really quite an accomplishment for someone who'd never taken a step of dance before, and one that I am particularly proud of. And then Greek scenework came, and my partner and I worked deeper and stronger than I think I have my entire time at school so far; we did a lot of really great work. I personally took huge steps toward releasing the emotion held in my jaw, physicalizing what I was saying, and fully inhabiting my body, three things I've needed to work on my entire life. And it was upsetting, and emotionally draining, and difficult- but it felt so satisfying afterward.
After classes, I stayed to watch the AADA Company Showcase- Company is the 'third year students' who do nothing but productions all year, and then present a final showcase. It was fine. The Company members who are always good, did very good in their individual showcase scenes, their technique and performances wonderful and their speech truly great. Others not as much. Leaving the school afterward, I stopped to talk to Jackie, my Acting teacher. I expressed these same thoughts on the Showcase to her, and she agreed. Those who are always good, continued to be good. They worked, they devoted, and they were believable and resonant in their work. We wonder why she pushes us to work, challenges us to do more- that's why. Because some people can be always good, if they will do the work. I was with another friend talking to her, but the whole time she said this, she looked right at me. And then she put up her hand to give me a small high five. And as silly as that little exchange may sound, it meant the world to me. She believes in me. She believes I can be one of those people.
I have been blessed with enough experience and natural ability that I can wing the work we do in classes and still do well. And I'm man enough to admit that, for the most part, that's what I've mostly been doing. I do give it my all as much as I can every day in class, but outside of class my devotion to what I do is lacking. It's an interesting term, devotion; I've been coming to realize more and more what an appropriate word it is for the hard-working actor. The performers who are always good, who are captivating and transcendent, they give themselves over completely to the work. For many actors, what they do is their whole lives. We talked about similar things in Styles today. Acting is a fascinating craft because you are in control of the emotions you pick to work on, but then you pick the strongest ones and you let them control you. You give yourself over to it.
It scares me a little bit sometimes. But I'm ready to move more towards real dedication to my craft, starting by implementing a requirement of at least one significant daily activity outside of school to help develop my work.
And yet there is one more equally important, essential part of being a solid performer: Living. If we do not live, we do not experience. We do not go through things that move us, give us emotion, and feed our person. If we do not live, we cannot express. Life is moving, fun, complicated, challenging, beautiful. I fully believe that too. It can be just as beneficial as intense moment-to-moment scenework to spend a perfect night out with a good friend, eating and laughing and acting a fool, to experience the real emotions of life, and then to walk home as a light snow begins to fall. Thankfully, there's no short supply of such magic nights in New York City.
Take today for example. Starting bright and early at 9 a.m. I had Vocal Production class, the final presentation of our duets. I felt me and my partner did well. The singing was good, our movement was effective, and the teacher complimented us. But then everybody else started going. And several of them did so well, and were so much more amusing. Already my mind is rushing through all the yucky, gloomy thoughts I take myself through: I'm not as entertaining as these other people, nobody here thinks I'm very good, I never get as good of songs as the others... all that crappy jazz. Then it came time to record the accompianment for our 16 bar audition pieces, and when we got to the one I was assigned it sounded nice and pretty. Exactly the kind of thing I didn't want to do anymore. It didn't help that I was ill-prepared. I had forgotten all about the audition pieces, so I hadn't listened to mine or taken the time to think of an alternative. By the time that class was over, I wanted nothing more than to get out of that school.
Thankfully, in yet another example of divine planning, I had a three hour break. And I walked to the subway with my friend Lauren who knew all the right things to say to make me put my attitude back in perspective. And I went home and had lunch and finished up my paper for Movement class and chilled. And I returned to school with fresh determination. Story of my life. And you know what? From that point on I had a pretty flippin' fantastic day. My classes went great (despite the fact that I left my laptop at home with the video for my Movement report on it!); I got placed front and center for my group number, really quite an accomplishment for someone who'd never taken a step of dance before, and one that I am particularly proud of. And then Greek scenework came, and my partner and I worked deeper and stronger than I think I have my entire time at school so far; we did a lot of really great work. I personally took huge steps toward releasing the emotion held in my jaw, physicalizing what I was saying, and fully inhabiting my body, three things I've needed to work on my entire life. And it was upsetting, and emotionally draining, and difficult- but it felt so satisfying afterward.
After classes, I stayed to watch the AADA Company Showcase- Company is the 'third year students' who do nothing but productions all year, and then present a final showcase. It was fine. The Company members who are always good, did very good in their individual showcase scenes, their technique and performances wonderful and their speech truly great. Others not as much. Leaving the school afterward, I stopped to talk to Jackie, my Acting teacher. I expressed these same thoughts on the Showcase to her, and she agreed. Those who are always good, continued to be good. They worked, they devoted, and they were believable and resonant in their work. We wonder why she pushes us to work, challenges us to do more- that's why. Because some people can be always good, if they will do the work. I was with another friend talking to her, but the whole time she said this, she looked right at me. And then she put up her hand to give me a small high five. And as silly as that little exchange may sound, it meant the world to me. She believes in me. She believes I can be one of those people.
I have been blessed with enough experience and natural ability that I can wing the work we do in classes and still do well. And I'm man enough to admit that, for the most part, that's what I've mostly been doing. I do give it my all as much as I can every day in class, but outside of class my devotion to what I do is lacking. It's an interesting term, devotion; I've been coming to realize more and more what an appropriate word it is for the hard-working actor. The performers who are always good, who are captivating and transcendent, they give themselves over completely to the work. For many actors, what they do is their whole lives. We talked about similar things in Styles today. Acting is a fascinating craft because you are in control of the emotions you pick to work on, but then you pick the strongest ones and you let them control you. You give yourself over to it.
It scares me a little bit sometimes. But I'm ready to move more towards real dedication to my craft, starting by implementing a requirement of at least one significant daily activity outside of school to help develop my work.
And yet there is one more equally important, essential part of being a solid performer: Living. If we do not live, we do not experience. We do not go through things that move us, give us emotion, and feed our person. If we do not live, we cannot express. Life is moving, fun, complicated, challenging, beautiful. I fully believe that too. It can be just as beneficial as intense moment-to-moment scenework to spend a perfect night out with a good friend, eating and laughing and acting a fool, to experience the real emotions of life, and then to walk home as a light snow begins to fall. Thankfully, there's no short supply of such magic nights in New York City.
Monday, February 14, 2011
S.A.D.
Seasonal Affective Disorder, folks. It's the real deal. People may try to chalk it up to an urban myth or weakling city people explaining their issues (partially true, I'll admit), but take it from Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky himself: winter in the city can get you down. Wikipedia defines it this way: "also known as winter depression or winter blues, a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptons in the winter." I've seen it displayed all around me, people breaking down every other day at school. Heck, I even had a breakdown of my own the other day, just chattin' with my Acting teacher. I've spent the last couple of weeks dreaming about summer by the lake, or beachside vacations in Aruba (those dang advertisements in the subway are taunting me!)
Yet something awesome happened today. The sun came out. It was warm! People were shedding their jackets, smiles were all around- a stroll through the park seemed unavoidable. So my friend, Lauren and I did just that. All around the snow was beginning to melt away, running in little rivers through the park, washing away all that cold and wet to make room for the warm and breezy. Really. It was cool.
And kinda metaphorical, you gotta admit. I mean come on- it's just begging to be used as a metaphor! So here you go: Sometimes it is cold. Sometimes it's grey and cloudy and it seems like it will go on forever. But it won't. The sun will always come back out! And it will be that much more kick-awesome when it does.
However here's a slightly-less cliche response: S.A.D. or any other kind of mood disorder may get ahold of you. And it may be tough to shake. Sometimes it will probably get the better of you. But you can still always choose to be stronger than it every day. Look at what you've got to be thankful for. Count to ten every time you get upset, breathing deeply (AADA will be proud of your proper breath!). Do something- recently Julie and I joined a Growth Group with a church here and got to spend Saturday morning helping give a good meal to people in the city who needed it. It was awesome! And I would challenge you to feel sorry for yourself for a single minute while you're giving meals to the people of this city. More times than not, your 'disorder' will have to give in to the power of positivity.
Will it always be easy, something you can shrug off? Heck no. Trust me. It's tough sometimes. I know. But then the sun will come back out. (I can't help it. I love those cliche metaphors.) :)
Yet something awesome happened today. The sun came out. It was warm! People were shedding their jackets, smiles were all around- a stroll through the park seemed unavoidable. So my friend, Lauren and I did just that. All around the snow was beginning to melt away, running in little rivers through the park, washing away all that cold and wet to make room for the warm and breezy. Really. It was cool.
And kinda metaphorical, you gotta admit. I mean come on- it's just begging to be used as a metaphor! So here you go: Sometimes it is cold. Sometimes it's grey and cloudy and it seems like it will go on forever. But it won't. The sun will always come back out! And it will be that much more kick-awesome when it does.
However here's a slightly-less cliche response: S.A.D. or any other kind of mood disorder may get ahold of you. And it may be tough to shake. Sometimes it will probably get the better of you. But you can still always choose to be stronger than it every day. Look at what you've got to be thankful for. Count to ten every time you get upset, breathing deeply (AADA will be proud of your proper breath!). Do something- recently Julie and I joined a Growth Group with a church here and got to spend Saturday morning helping give a good meal to people in the city who needed it. It was awesome! And I would challenge you to feel sorry for yourself for a single minute while you're giving meals to the people of this city. More times than not, your 'disorder' will have to give in to the power of positivity.
Will it always be easy, something you can shrug off? Heck no. Trust me. It's tough sometimes. I know. But then the sun will come back out. (I can't help it. I love those cliche metaphors.) :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Strength Like a Fire
This semester we have a class called Mask that I find completely fascinating. However, almost every single week when I'm in there I catch myself thinking, "If someone from home walked in right now..." I won't deny it's one of the stranger courses AADA has to offer, and that's saying something. The basic idea is this: You cover your face with a neutral mask and therefore have to express all of your emotion through your body. Every week we have a new scenario of some kind that we go through as a group, then individually go through it while wearing the mask. An example scenario:
You're in a beautiful, lush, pillared courtyard. There's flowers and trees and a little pond. The ceiling is glass and the walls are open. Beyond the courtyard is a dense forest. Beyond the forest are mountains. Beyond the mountains, out of sight, is the ocean. Suddenly, a bird flies into the courtyard. It flies back and forth, from one end to the other, then right in front of you it stops and falls to the ground, dead. You kneel down to pick it up in your hands. But as you're holding it, it comes back to life and flies away!
Last week we did something a little different- We embodied each of the four elements, air, fire, water, and earth. We did it first as a group with our eyes closed. But then, of course, she made us get up an embody one of the elements as a mask solo. Worse, she informed us that this time, everybody else in the room was there. We could see them, and they could see us. I was pretty much petrified. In the group work, I had found the exercise fascinating and incredibly freeing. But to do it in front of everyone... and I knew which element I had to do, the one I most easily connected with, the most deep-rooted and personal one: Fire.
It's not surprising that Fire would speak to me. Deep inside of me, in my core there is a fire always burning. It's the most personal, most primal part of me, a part that does often get pushed aside or dampened (pardon the pun) because I'm shy or uncomfortable. However, it's the part of me that never allows myself to give up; this unextinguishable strength. And that's what great acting is all about, at least in part; sharing with people the deepest, most personal part of ourselves in performance. Because when you do that as an actor, people feel it. It's a tangible thing. And they can't take their eyes off of the work because it is so truthful. That's what I want to do. But it's still a little scary sometimes.
Life is not a cakewalk. This semester has seen both highs and lows of my New York Experience- I've been learning more than I ever expected to at school, but I've also had days where I really felt like there was really no one in this school who cared about me at all. Sometimes I spend entire days feeling progressively worse and worse convincing myself that no one likes me and there's nothing I can do about it.
I learned the falseness of that some time ago, though. There was a moment when I was traveling through Central America with my family that I realized something incredible: God created me. He CREATED ME. And he don't make no accidents. What's more, I have a literal worry-free guarantee: God's promised to take care of me, and he hasn't let me down yet. He will take me where I need to go. I may have no idea how important everything I'm going through will be to me in the future- but I know there's reason behind it all. And that's encouraging; heck, that's empowering! And it makes me feel all warm and toasty inside (which is an especially nice bonus considering how cold it is!).
Now don't get confused here: We can't just hand everything over to Big G.O.D. and expect him to take care of it with no effort from us. He will take care of everything, but we have to do our part. It's a relationship, folks. That implies two sides, and there has to be two sides for your life to become the wonderful thing it can be. This is something I've had to confront myself with recently. I think being so blessed had lulled me into a bit of complacency. That no work. But I'm working on fixing it.
I know that He's given me a dream. I know that this is where He wants me to be right now. I don't know where this career will lead me, I don't even know the next step, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. So I gave it my all. I came out from behind that partition and let the Fire consume me. It was pretty intense for me, and I guess it came across. For almost all the others, there had been that awkward laughter of people feeling foolish- nobody laughed this time. It took me the rest of the class to shake it off, part of which included me having to put my head down and cry. The teacher had that now-familiar phrase as advice: Almost. One step more and it would have been very powerful.
I think I've heard that enough. It's all too easy to think who am I to be something incredible, but really... who am I not to be? I think it's time to take that last step. It's time to let the strength in me take over, consume me, flow from me.
Like a Fire.
You're in a beautiful, lush, pillared courtyard. There's flowers and trees and a little pond. The ceiling is glass and the walls are open. Beyond the courtyard is a dense forest. Beyond the forest are mountains. Beyond the mountains, out of sight, is the ocean. Suddenly, a bird flies into the courtyard. It flies back and forth, from one end to the other, then right in front of you it stops and falls to the ground, dead. You kneel down to pick it up in your hands. But as you're holding it, it comes back to life and flies away!
Last week we did something a little different- We embodied each of the four elements, air, fire, water, and earth. We did it first as a group with our eyes closed. But then, of course, she made us get up an embody one of the elements as a mask solo. Worse, she informed us that this time, everybody else in the room was there. We could see them, and they could see us. I was pretty much petrified. In the group work, I had found the exercise fascinating and incredibly freeing. But to do it in front of everyone... and I knew which element I had to do, the one I most easily connected with, the most deep-rooted and personal one: Fire.
It's not surprising that Fire would speak to me. Deep inside of me, in my core there is a fire always burning. It's the most personal, most primal part of me, a part that does often get pushed aside or dampened (pardon the pun) because I'm shy or uncomfortable. However, it's the part of me that never allows myself to give up; this unextinguishable strength. And that's what great acting is all about, at least in part; sharing with people the deepest, most personal part of ourselves in performance. Because when you do that as an actor, people feel it. It's a tangible thing. And they can't take their eyes off of the work because it is so truthful. That's what I want to do. But it's still a little scary sometimes.
Life is not a cakewalk. This semester has seen both highs and lows of my New York Experience- I've been learning more than I ever expected to at school, but I've also had days where I really felt like there was really no one in this school who cared about me at all. Sometimes I spend entire days feeling progressively worse and worse convincing myself that no one likes me and there's nothing I can do about it.
I learned the falseness of that some time ago, though. There was a moment when I was traveling through Central America with my family that I realized something incredible: God created me. He CREATED ME. And he don't make no accidents. What's more, I have a literal worry-free guarantee: God's promised to take care of me, and he hasn't let me down yet. He will take me where I need to go. I may have no idea how important everything I'm going through will be to me in the future- but I know there's reason behind it all. And that's encouraging; heck, that's empowering! And it makes me feel all warm and toasty inside (which is an especially nice bonus considering how cold it is!).
Now don't get confused here: We can't just hand everything over to Big G.O.D. and expect him to take care of it with no effort from us. He will take care of everything, but we have to do our part. It's a relationship, folks. That implies two sides, and there has to be two sides for your life to become the wonderful thing it can be. This is something I've had to confront myself with recently. I think being so blessed had lulled me into a bit of complacency. That no work. But I'm working on fixing it.
I know that He's given me a dream. I know that this is where He wants me to be right now. I don't know where this career will lead me, I don't even know the next step, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. So I gave it my all. I came out from behind that partition and let the Fire consume me. It was pretty intense for me, and I guess it came across. For almost all the others, there had been that awkward laughter of people feeling foolish- nobody laughed this time. It took me the rest of the class to shake it off, part of which included me having to put my head down and cry. The teacher had that now-familiar phrase as advice: Almost. One step more and it would have been very powerful.
I think I've heard that enough. It's all too easy to think who am I to be something incredible, but really... who am I not to be? I think it's time to take that last step. It's time to let the strength in me take over, consume me, flow from me.
Like a Fire.
Friday, February 4, 2011
WE SET THE SCHOOL ON FIRE!!
I would like to start off by saying this to all of you Texas folk: Suck it up! It's cold every single day here, and lately it hasn't even been snowing. Just ice. And rain. Yuck. You guys are at least having snow days! My school never cancels for anything! And as proof I offer this story:
On Monday, I left for my three hour break and went to pick up some things in midtown with Julie. As I was heading back to school, I kept noticing fire truck after fire truck rushing by and I thought to myself, "Oh gee. I wonder what's on fire? I hope it's not close to my school." No, it wasn't close to my school. It WAS MY SCHOOL! By the time I arrived everyone had been evacuated and throngs of young actors and actresses crowded the sidewalks. There were lots of apologies by students for being so hot that they started a fire. I caught a glimpse of my Acting Teacher, Jacqueline Solotar, crying as she watched the firemen break out the windows.
Turns out the fire was only in the basement, so the school was actually fine. So, naturally, as the firemen started clearing out they herded us all back in for class. A mere hour after we'd been evacuated. For a fire. Hey, the show must go on, right?
Once we were back in the building, the melodrama began to overflow from all of my peers. At least half of them were suffocating from the lack of air and having Oscar-worthy near-death scenes. Meanwhile, Acting Teacher Jackie's yelling at me and my partner to get set up for our scene and telling everyone what big babies they are for wanting to go home. So set up we did. And, of course, as soon as we did, the fire marshall got hold of the fact that the students had been let back into a building that had been on fire less than an hour ago, and we were all evacuated once more, this time for the rest of the day.
So you can't really blame AADA for the show not going on. If it had been up to them, we would have been in school, thank you very much. Just the fire marshall. He clearly never went to acting school.
I am blessed, and it is cold. These two things I know to be true. The rest I'll take one day at a time.
On Monday, I left for my three hour break and went to pick up some things in midtown with Julie. As I was heading back to school, I kept noticing fire truck after fire truck rushing by and I thought to myself, "Oh gee. I wonder what's on fire? I hope it's not close to my school." No, it wasn't close to my school. It WAS MY SCHOOL! By the time I arrived everyone had been evacuated and throngs of young actors and actresses crowded the sidewalks. There were lots of apologies by students for being so hot that they started a fire. I caught a glimpse of my Acting Teacher, Jacqueline Solotar, crying as she watched the firemen break out the windows.
Turns out the fire was only in the basement, so the school was actually fine. So, naturally, as the firemen started clearing out they herded us all back in for class. A mere hour after we'd been evacuated. For a fire. Hey, the show must go on, right?
Once we were back in the building, the melodrama began to overflow from all of my peers. At least half of them were suffocating from the lack of air and having Oscar-worthy near-death scenes. Meanwhile, Acting Teacher Jackie's yelling at me and my partner to get set up for our scene and telling everyone what big babies they are for wanting to go home. So set up we did. And, of course, as soon as we did, the fire marshall got hold of the fact that the students had been let back into a building that had been on fire less than an hour ago, and we were all evacuated once more, this time for the rest of the day.
So you can't really blame AADA for the show not going on. If it had been up to them, we would have been in school, thank you very much. Just the fire marshall. He clearly never went to acting school.
I am blessed, and it is cold. These two things I know to be true. The rest I'll take one day at a time.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A Work in Progress
What can I tell you? School is amazing as of late. Literally every day, every class there is something to be learned, some way to benefit. It has changed from last semester. There's a lot more to do in every class (an overwhelming amount of work sometimes), from improvs to sketch comedy to choreography assignments to transcription exercises, but more than that it has to do with a simple truth: If you devote yourself to something, you will benefit. It took me awhile to realize that last semester, but this semester I returned to school knowing without a doubt that I was there for one purpose: to learn. And learn I have. It's incredible how much the past three weeks of school has benefited me. The other side of that, however, is that I'm 'bout spent at the end of each day. Believe it or not, it takes a lot out of you to give yourself over to performance, even just class exercises. It's all worth it, though; I can feel myself improving and it's an amazing feeling.
I would be remiss if I didn't admit that being so focused took some of my focus away from that other part of my life I work so hard at: my optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and kindness to others mantra. The past three weeks have been a wake up call to me in that aspect. Rather than noticing a good attitude about me, people began to notice a somewhat judgemental attitude, and an occasionally less-than-joyous mood. It's the state I most naturally fall back into, but it's the state that I refuse to be snared by. It hurts me when I hear those things from people- I want people to notice a light about me, a peace that can be explained by nothing besides God. JJ Moore used to tell a story about a young boy sitting in Sunday School listening to the teacher talk about God being inside of you. He raised his hand: "Teacher, isn't God huge? If he's inside of us, won't he poke out all over?"
I sure hope so. I pray that he would fill me up and poke out all over.
I'm working on it, forever. Haha. I can't be perfectly good every day, and every day can't be perfectly good. But I can have peace every day. And every day I can try to reflect that peace as best as I can. Living with family again has made it glaringly obvious how much they put up with from me, attitude-wise. Attempting to be perky each day in public has turned me into someone with the bad habit of letting my family always see my worst side. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than the public gets. Recognizing my laziness attitude-wise with Amy and Julie has been a tough thing to come to terms with. But I am. And I'm working on it. Because not only does my family deserve it, so does the One who made me.
Laziness. That word has a lot of resonance with me lately. In Acting last week, I had to do another phone call exercise (I think I explained those earlier? Important phone call, important task in room, somewhere to go urgently.), and I blew it off until the morning before class. When I got to class I had an idea to go with: Mom had called and left a message on my phone that my dog had run away, and I was calling back and finding out they'd been found. But then out of nowhere came something else. Something similar to what I'd planned, but much stronger. My dogs hadn't gone missing. Sam had. My little brother. For over 10 hours. I was calling back and finding out he'd been found with a broken leg. Suddenly it was my turn to go. And I went. And it was pretty fantastic. The emotions were there, the technique was there, the honesty, the connection. It pretty well shocked my classmates. After I finished, the teacher followed me out into the hallway and took my face in her hands and said words I'll never forget: "James. Almost. Had you gone one more step, taken one more breath, it would have been amazing. Very good work." She went on to guess that I hadn't practiced. "You have got to get out of your own way. Your laziness is holding you back from expressing something truly amazing to us. I beg you. Don't be lazy. Get out of your own way."
And she's right, of course. This sentiment has been shared by almost every teacher: There's something very special inside of me. But I need to go one step further. Then there'd be something phenomenal. It's an encouraging thought, but it's also scary. What will that be if I go one step further? Where will it take me? It gives me chills thinking about it. But I've got to do it. It's what I was made for. I believe that.
We managed to maneuver a full-size couch and a ridiculously oversized TV into our 4th floor apartment with much difficulty and even more hilarity. Twice we employed the help of kind fellow tenants, once with nearly disastrous effects. But it's in now, baby! WE CONQUERED! And the mysterious long line of cops sitting outside our building has returned, making life truly complete once again.
Life is good. God is good. Always. It's not perfect. But it's a work in progress.
I would be remiss if I didn't admit that being so focused took some of my focus away from that other part of my life I work so hard at: my optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and kindness to others mantra. The past three weeks have been a wake up call to me in that aspect. Rather than noticing a good attitude about me, people began to notice a somewhat judgemental attitude, and an occasionally less-than-joyous mood. It's the state I most naturally fall back into, but it's the state that I refuse to be snared by. It hurts me when I hear those things from people- I want people to notice a light about me, a peace that can be explained by nothing besides God. JJ Moore used to tell a story about a young boy sitting in Sunday School listening to the teacher talk about God being inside of you. He raised his hand: "Teacher, isn't God huge? If he's inside of us, won't he poke out all over?"
I sure hope so. I pray that he would fill me up and poke out all over.
I'm working on it, forever. Haha. I can't be perfectly good every day, and every day can't be perfectly good. But I can have peace every day. And every day I can try to reflect that peace as best as I can. Living with family again has made it glaringly obvious how much they put up with from me, attitude-wise. Attempting to be perky each day in public has turned me into someone with the bad habit of letting my family always see my worst side. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than the public gets. Recognizing my laziness attitude-wise with Amy and Julie has been a tough thing to come to terms with. But I am. And I'm working on it. Because not only does my family deserve it, so does the One who made me.
Laziness. That word has a lot of resonance with me lately. In Acting last week, I had to do another phone call exercise (I think I explained those earlier? Important phone call, important task in room, somewhere to go urgently.), and I blew it off until the morning before class. When I got to class I had an idea to go with: Mom had called and left a message on my phone that my dog had run away, and I was calling back and finding out they'd been found. But then out of nowhere came something else. Something similar to what I'd planned, but much stronger. My dogs hadn't gone missing. Sam had. My little brother. For over 10 hours. I was calling back and finding out he'd been found with a broken leg. Suddenly it was my turn to go. And I went. And it was pretty fantastic. The emotions were there, the technique was there, the honesty, the connection. It pretty well shocked my classmates. After I finished, the teacher followed me out into the hallway and took my face in her hands and said words I'll never forget: "James. Almost. Had you gone one more step, taken one more breath, it would have been amazing. Very good work." She went on to guess that I hadn't practiced. "You have got to get out of your own way. Your laziness is holding you back from expressing something truly amazing to us. I beg you. Don't be lazy. Get out of your own way."
And she's right, of course. This sentiment has been shared by almost every teacher: There's something very special inside of me. But I need to go one step further. Then there'd be something phenomenal. It's an encouraging thought, but it's also scary. What will that be if I go one step further? Where will it take me? It gives me chills thinking about it. But I've got to do it. It's what I was made for. I believe that.
We managed to maneuver a full-size couch and a ridiculously oversized TV into our 4th floor apartment with much difficulty and even more hilarity. Twice we employed the help of kind fellow tenants, once with nearly disastrous effects. But it's in now, baby! WE CONQUERED! And the mysterious long line of cops sitting outside our building has returned, making life truly complete once again.
Life is good. God is good. Always. It's not perfect. But it's a work in progress.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Getting Back to Blogging!
Okay, first good thing about my sisters being here: They're on my case about updating the blog- I've been getting lazy! It's certainly not from lack of delightful and bizarre New York occurrences. There have been plenty of those.
My sisters moved up here with me- I infected them with some of that New York City crazy! We've got a lovely little apartment right on the edge of Harlem, surrounded by the projects. We like it! Some of my friends have been a bit nervous to come up here. They'll come around though. I will say that for the first week we were here, a line of about sixteen cops pulled up across the street every night and just sat there, I guess just to remind everyone that law enforcement does in fact exist in Harlem. It was quite strange, and the sisters and I were quite tempted to run down and demand to know what they were doing. But we thought that might give off some unintended signals.
For those of you who don't know, cheaply furnishing an apartment in NYC is quite an experience. Especially if you live on the 4th floor of a walk-up. Although there are wonderful things to be had for free from people all over the city who no longer want them, the adventure begins once you confirm that you want that item of furniture and then must figure out how to move it from one side of the island to the other and up the stairs to your place. We experienced this quite vividly today. After confirming we wanted a free 36 inch TV, we rented a car for an hour to go fetch it. When Julie and I arrived, the first thing the guy said was, "I don't think you brought enough people." When we saw the TV, we understood. It was MASSIVE. The super-nice couple's son was there to help us down to the truck, but when we arrived at our apartment building's door, we were on our own. Naturally, Amy was not picking up her phone (picks the best times to jump in the shower, doesn't she?), so Julie and heaved, lunged, pushed, and pulled the huge thing through the initial doors so that it was in the first level hallway. Then Julie had to run off to return the rented car in time. For a moment I felt quite helpless, but then Amy came dashing down the stairs, a wide grin across her face. I felt helped- until we tried to lift the TV. It wasn't happening. So, we pushed it all the way down the hallway to the edge of the stairs, frequently moving out of the way of our sympathetic fellow tenants. At last we reached the stairs.
We lifted. It didn't move. We got it up one step. We tried to start again. It wasn't happening. A nice neighbor from some foreign country who knows where joined in the effort and he and I started up the suddenly incredibly steep stairs. The result was that I got five steps up before he'd stepped up the first, so my body was bent in half clutching this TV as this perfect stranger heaved with all his might. It dropped onto my foot and into the hands of Mr. Nice Neighbor and somehow we (literally) wrestled it back down to the ground floor, Amy laughing uncontrollably at the whole ordeal. After that we just kinda stared at the monster- What could be said? We'd been defeated.
Long story short, the TV is still sitting on the ground floor of our apartment. Schemes have been drawn and re-drawn as to how we can manage to get it up here, but... I think it may be a lost cause. Craigslist, here comes a big 36 inch!
School is more challenging than ever. The impersonation of Elvis was quite an experience; the idea behind the assignment was embodiment over impersonation (channeling, if you will), and,in a way that's really quite impossible to explain, I really got it. I wasn't impersonating Elvis, I was Elvis. We won't get too into that wierdo acting stuff, though. It's enough to say that my Elvis was good enough that it even excited the lesbians in my class. Speaking of Acting, in that class we had what I found to be a very fascinating assignment where we set up our bedroom in the classroom, came in from somewhere, had something we had to do in our room, had somewhere we had to go, and had an important, urgent phone call to make based on something from our real lives. I was one of the last to go, but I gotta say I was proud of how I did. I was a little nervous going into it because I decided from the get go that I was gonna give everything in Acting class my all this semester, and it was a personal exercise. But it paid off. I felt fulfilled, I expressed, I went to real places within myself. The teacher was pretty impressed too; she made an example out of my phone call as what to do for this exercise.
I'm a blessed boy, that's for sure. I've been given so much that I don't deserve; family, opportunity, gifts, friends, love. Salvation. Peace. Even when things aren't at their best, I'm never able to really let myself feel self-pity or despair for more than a minute. And I'll be honest, things haven't been their easiest lately. New things are always tough for me. I always feel like I have trouble befriending new people, becoming comfortable with people and circumstances, giving a good first impression. I'm really a pretty insecure fellow. So I hand it over to the big G-O-D and let him take over. And I trust he'll handle it perfectly. He always does. In the meantime I give my best effort each day to be as friendly, happy-go-lucky, and fun as I can be.
There's at least one big improvement over last semester: I come home every day to my sisters waiting at home for me. We find plenty of shenanigans to get into all on our own, whether it be random dance-offs in our still-empty living room or running to Times Square at midnight just for the heck of it. I would also like to take this space to share something really awesome: Elizabeth Victoria Joblin recently made the decision to leave her current schooling at SFA to spend this semester getting an Associate's degree at TVCC and next semester working and saving up. She did this so she would be able to spend the semester following living in a big city with me, both of us pursuing our dreams together. It's an incredibly brave thing, and flipping exciting. I can't wait to spend a year tearing up the entertainment industry with my best friend. :)
My sisters moved up here with me- I infected them with some of that New York City crazy! We've got a lovely little apartment right on the edge of Harlem, surrounded by the projects. We like it! Some of my friends have been a bit nervous to come up here. They'll come around though. I will say that for the first week we were here, a line of about sixteen cops pulled up across the street every night and just sat there, I guess just to remind everyone that law enforcement does in fact exist in Harlem. It was quite strange, and the sisters and I were quite tempted to run down and demand to know what they were doing. But we thought that might give off some unintended signals.
For those of you who don't know, cheaply furnishing an apartment in NYC is quite an experience. Especially if you live on the 4th floor of a walk-up. Although there are wonderful things to be had for free from people all over the city who no longer want them, the adventure begins once you confirm that you want that item of furniture and then must figure out how to move it from one side of the island to the other and up the stairs to your place. We experienced this quite vividly today. After confirming we wanted a free 36 inch TV, we rented a car for an hour to go fetch it. When Julie and I arrived, the first thing the guy said was, "I don't think you brought enough people." When we saw the TV, we understood. It was MASSIVE. The super-nice couple's son was there to help us down to the truck, but when we arrived at our apartment building's door, we were on our own. Naturally, Amy was not picking up her phone (picks the best times to jump in the shower, doesn't she?), so Julie and heaved, lunged, pushed, and pulled the huge thing through the initial doors so that it was in the first level hallway. Then Julie had to run off to return the rented car in time. For a moment I felt quite helpless, but then Amy came dashing down the stairs, a wide grin across her face. I felt helped- until we tried to lift the TV. It wasn't happening. So, we pushed it all the way down the hallway to the edge of the stairs, frequently moving out of the way of our sympathetic fellow tenants. At last we reached the stairs.
We lifted. It didn't move. We got it up one step. We tried to start again. It wasn't happening. A nice neighbor from some foreign country who knows where joined in the effort and he and I started up the suddenly incredibly steep stairs. The result was that I got five steps up before he'd stepped up the first, so my body was bent in half clutching this TV as this perfect stranger heaved with all his might. It dropped onto my foot and into the hands of Mr. Nice Neighbor and somehow we (literally) wrestled it back down to the ground floor, Amy laughing uncontrollably at the whole ordeal. After that we just kinda stared at the monster- What could be said? We'd been defeated.
Long story short, the TV is still sitting on the ground floor of our apartment. Schemes have been drawn and re-drawn as to how we can manage to get it up here, but... I think it may be a lost cause. Craigslist, here comes a big 36 inch!
School is more challenging than ever. The impersonation of Elvis was quite an experience; the idea behind the assignment was embodiment over impersonation (channeling, if you will), and,in a way that's really quite impossible to explain, I really got it. I wasn't impersonating Elvis, I was Elvis. We won't get too into that wierdo acting stuff, though. It's enough to say that my Elvis was good enough that it even excited the lesbians in my class. Speaking of Acting, in that class we had what I found to be a very fascinating assignment where we set up our bedroom in the classroom, came in from somewhere, had something we had to do in our room, had somewhere we had to go, and had an important, urgent phone call to make based on something from our real lives. I was one of the last to go, but I gotta say I was proud of how I did. I was a little nervous going into it because I decided from the get go that I was gonna give everything in Acting class my all this semester, and it was a personal exercise. But it paid off. I felt fulfilled, I expressed, I went to real places within myself. The teacher was pretty impressed too; she made an example out of my phone call as what to do for this exercise.
I'm a blessed boy, that's for sure. I've been given so much that I don't deserve; family, opportunity, gifts, friends, love. Salvation. Peace. Even when things aren't at their best, I'm never able to really let myself feel self-pity or despair for more than a minute. And I'll be honest, things haven't been their easiest lately. New things are always tough for me. I always feel like I have trouble befriending new people, becoming comfortable with people and circumstances, giving a good first impression. I'm really a pretty insecure fellow. So I hand it over to the big G-O-D and let him take over. And I trust he'll handle it perfectly. He always does. In the meantime I give my best effort each day to be as friendly, happy-go-lucky, and fun as I can be.
There's at least one big improvement over last semester: I come home every day to my sisters waiting at home for me. We find plenty of shenanigans to get into all on our own, whether it be random dance-offs in our still-empty living room or running to Times Square at midnight just for the heck of it. I would also like to take this space to share something really awesome: Elizabeth Victoria Joblin recently made the decision to leave her current schooling at SFA to spend this semester getting an Associate's degree at TVCC and next semester working and saving up. She did this so she would be able to spend the semester following living in a big city with me, both of us pursuing our dreams together. It's an incredibly brave thing, and flipping exciting. I can't wait to spend a year tearing up the entertainment industry with my best friend. :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Semester, New Apartment, New York
It's been a loooong time! I've finished a semester, gone home, and come back since last we met, dear blog! I guess life's been a little hectic lately. With the end of the first semester, I decided more than ever to devote myself completely to my schoolwork. That meant Final Scenes for Acting, Dance presentations for Movement, Written Exams (Yes, we do actually take those!), and so much more. It's hard to really explain I guess... Giving yourself over to performance work is tiring. Just day-to-day takes a lot out of you. Most people don't let themselves go through that much emotion on a daily basis. Lucky for me, it's what I love to do.
On top of all that I was apartment hunting via appointments set up for me by my sisters in Texas! I suppose it's time to come clean to everybody; I got swindled by my "broker" the first time around looking for an apartment. It wouldn't be such an embarrassing thing (It can always be viewed as a learning experience), except that I lost more than my pride: I lost $250 in the mix. Everybody sigh! But the sun will still come out! I continued to apartment hunt up until the very last minute (literally) before I flew home, eventually resulting in the night before my flight me and my friend Jake going to my new broker's office door at 2 in the morning and slipping applications and checks under her door in a sealed envelope. And then I had to start packing! But indeed I found a lovely three bedroom apartment for me and my two sisters to live in on 104th and 1st Ave. Yes... That is traditionally considered Harlem, but take a breath Grandma. I checked out the neighborhood. Only four homicides last year my cop ex-roommate says (That's a good number! Midtown has like 36!). I have been living there for a week and experienced nothing but being unnoticed by anyone around me. Except for one old guy who really wanted to be my friend when he saw me walking home with a big pizza for dinner.
Naturally, my first semester in New York City ended with me sprinting to my gate at JFK airport and almost missing my flight, and in the air becoming increasingly and increasingly more sick to the point that when I met my cousin Meredith picking me up she jumped when she heard me speak. On the flight, I made a new fan. My flight attendant (who was the best flight attendant in the world), greeted me as I entered the plane by asking what I did for work. Upon learning I was an actor and attending school she quickly informed that I needed to stick with it because I had a great demeanor and was going to make it. She continued to chat me up trhoughout the flight, offering genuinely thoughtful and encouraging advice, and then finished the ride home with a big armful of free snacks and a hug. It only occurred to me later that I should have told her about this blog- I need to start carrying cards!
Sickness or not, being home was amazing. A little weird at first, I won't lie; especially when it was almost 90 degrees the day after I got back to Texas. I have not experienced that kind of heat in awhile. I got to see my Kemp/Athens friends, housing provided by the amazing Joblin family. I left Kemp much too quickly, to be truthful. Of course, you know me. I can't really be disappointed with more time with family. I'm pretty much obsessed with my family. Still. Kemp will always be home for me, and I miss it.
After spending Christmas weekend at my Nana and Pops's house in Texas, the Addisons loaded all our stuff (and our dogs) into our faithful suburban and headed to Estes Park, Colorado. If Texas was hot, Estes was COLD. Man, I've never known such temperatures! -2 degrees most days at our house! It was bad enough staying mostly inside- Matt was out there skiing three of those days! Family Christmas was amazing! Santa Claus outdid himself this year, y'all. I don't know that I remember I more fun Christmas morning (and it didn't even happen on the real day!).
And then before I knew what was happening, it was time to fly home. In a rush, my bags were packed, my goodbyes were said, and I was on a plane. Both my flights were majorly delayed, yet before I had time to really think I was back in New York City wandering around the airport completely unaware of where I was supposed to be picking up my bag from. Every time I leave my family for New York it's hard, but it really hit me this time. It didn't really make sense to me that I would leave behind all of that love, all of that easy, comfortable living for day-to-day work, alone... Why would I do that?
It was somewhere between Minneappolis and NYC at about 30,000 feet in the air that I realized that it's because I wasn't made for a normal life. God made me different- that's for sure! He made me special, with a special, unique purpose. I believe that with all my heart. So even when it's a little uncomfortable, I give myself over to Him. I know He'll take me where I need to be. My openness has a limit, but I'll just say that if I can't believe that God can do miraculous things after some news I received over the break, then I have no faith at all. I mean, just looking around me at all the things I've been able to do in my life shows what God's capable of!
So, I'm back. I'm almost finished with the first week of Second Semester, and it's gonna kick my butt. There is A LOT of work to be done this semester for every class. Tomorrow I will be impersonating Elvis Presley in my Styles class, reuniting with all my Section 7 buddies at Vivian's new apartment, and picking up my sisters from the airport. New York City daily rush is in full swing again!
There's just one more thing. Talking to people over the break who have been reading my blog, there was one main thing that stuck out to almost everyone who'd read it. They all spoke of it's optimistic, joyous tone; overflowing with happiness, as one put it. We all know that life on a daily basis is not the most wonderful, perfect, incredible experience ever. But that's what I write about. And it's no accident. The way I see it, there are two ways to look at life: up or down. Certainly, I could find things almost every day to be upset about. And I could worry about those things, write about them, let them affect me fully (this is what they LOOOVE at AADA). Or I could not bother with those things. I could see the other stuff. The daily things that fill me with contentment, whether it's as small as snow flake landing on my hand or as big as someone telling me that they love me, and meaning it.
I choose optimism. I choose contentment. I choose that half-full glass as many times as I possibly can. It's not always easy (or possible), but I have help from a pretty amazing, undying source. And if I can spread some of that optimism through this blog, then it's doing it's job. I hope your life is going wonderfully for you right now. And if your first thought is that it's not, take a moment, look around, and see if you can find something that can make it just a little brighter. I bet you a million dollars that you can.
That's all for now.
On top of all that I was apartment hunting via appointments set up for me by my sisters in Texas! I suppose it's time to come clean to everybody; I got swindled by my "broker" the first time around looking for an apartment. It wouldn't be such an embarrassing thing (It can always be viewed as a learning experience), except that I lost more than my pride: I lost $250 in the mix. Everybody sigh! But the sun will still come out! I continued to apartment hunt up until the very last minute (literally) before I flew home, eventually resulting in the night before my flight me and my friend Jake going to my new broker's office door at 2 in the morning and slipping applications and checks under her door in a sealed envelope. And then I had to start packing! But indeed I found a lovely three bedroom apartment for me and my two sisters to live in on 104th and 1st Ave. Yes... That is traditionally considered Harlem, but take a breath Grandma. I checked out the neighborhood. Only four homicides last year my cop ex-roommate says (That's a good number! Midtown has like 36!). I have been living there for a week and experienced nothing but being unnoticed by anyone around me. Except for one old guy who really wanted to be my friend when he saw me walking home with a big pizza for dinner.
Naturally, my first semester in New York City ended with me sprinting to my gate at JFK airport and almost missing my flight, and in the air becoming increasingly and increasingly more sick to the point that when I met my cousin Meredith picking me up she jumped when she heard me speak. On the flight, I made a new fan. My flight attendant (who was the best flight attendant in the world), greeted me as I entered the plane by asking what I did for work. Upon learning I was an actor and attending school she quickly informed that I needed to stick with it because I had a great demeanor and was going to make it. She continued to chat me up trhoughout the flight, offering genuinely thoughtful and encouraging advice, and then finished the ride home with a big armful of free snacks and a hug. It only occurred to me later that I should have told her about this blog- I need to start carrying cards!
Sickness or not, being home was amazing. A little weird at first, I won't lie; especially when it was almost 90 degrees the day after I got back to Texas. I have not experienced that kind of heat in awhile. I got to see my Kemp/Athens friends, housing provided by the amazing Joblin family. I left Kemp much too quickly, to be truthful. Of course, you know me. I can't really be disappointed with more time with family. I'm pretty much obsessed with my family. Still. Kemp will always be home for me, and I miss it.
After spending Christmas weekend at my Nana and Pops's house in Texas, the Addisons loaded all our stuff (and our dogs) into our faithful suburban and headed to Estes Park, Colorado. If Texas was hot, Estes was COLD. Man, I've never known such temperatures! -2 degrees most days at our house! It was bad enough staying mostly inside- Matt was out there skiing three of those days! Family Christmas was amazing! Santa Claus outdid himself this year, y'all. I don't know that I remember I more fun Christmas morning (and it didn't even happen on the real day!).
And then before I knew what was happening, it was time to fly home. In a rush, my bags were packed, my goodbyes were said, and I was on a plane. Both my flights were majorly delayed, yet before I had time to really think I was back in New York City wandering around the airport completely unaware of where I was supposed to be picking up my bag from. Every time I leave my family for New York it's hard, but it really hit me this time. It didn't really make sense to me that I would leave behind all of that love, all of that easy, comfortable living for day-to-day work, alone... Why would I do that?
It was somewhere between Minneappolis and NYC at about 30,000 feet in the air that I realized that it's because I wasn't made for a normal life. God made me different- that's for sure! He made me special, with a special, unique purpose. I believe that with all my heart. So even when it's a little uncomfortable, I give myself over to Him. I know He'll take me where I need to be. My openness has a limit, but I'll just say that if I can't believe that God can do miraculous things after some news I received over the break, then I have no faith at all. I mean, just looking around me at all the things I've been able to do in my life shows what God's capable of!
So, I'm back. I'm almost finished with the first week of Second Semester, and it's gonna kick my butt. There is A LOT of work to be done this semester for every class. Tomorrow I will be impersonating Elvis Presley in my Styles class, reuniting with all my Section 7 buddies at Vivian's new apartment, and picking up my sisters from the airport. New York City daily rush is in full swing again!
There's just one more thing. Talking to people over the break who have been reading my blog, there was one main thing that stuck out to almost everyone who'd read it. They all spoke of it's optimistic, joyous tone; overflowing with happiness, as one put it. We all know that life on a daily basis is not the most wonderful, perfect, incredible experience ever. But that's what I write about. And it's no accident. The way I see it, there are two ways to look at life: up or down. Certainly, I could find things almost every day to be upset about. And I could worry about those things, write about them, let them affect me fully (this is what they LOOOVE at AADA). Or I could not bother with those things. I could see the other stuff. The daily things that fill me with contentment, whether it's as small as snow flake landing on my hand or as big as someone telling me that they love me, and meaning it.
I choose optimism. I choose contentment. I choose that half-full glass as many times as I possibly can. It's not always easy (or possible), but I have help from a pretty amazing, undying source. And if I can spread some of that optimism through this blog, then it's doing it's job. I hope your life is going wonderfully for you right now. And if your first thought is that it's not, take a moment, look around, and see if you can find something that can make it just a little brighter. I bet you a million dollars that you can.
That's all for now.
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