A Work in Progress

What can I tell you? School is amazing as of late. Literally every day, every class there is something to be learned, some way to benefit. It has changed from last semester. There's a lot more to do in every class (an overwhelming amount of work sometimes), from improvs to sketch comedy to choreography assignments to transcription exercises, but more than that it has to do with a simple truth: If you devote yourself to something, you will benefit. It took me awhile to realize that last semester, but this semester I returned to school knowing without a doubt that I was there for one purpose: to learn. And learn I have. It's incredible how much the past three weeks of school has benefited me. The other side of that, however, is that I'm 'bout spent at the end of each day. Believe it or not, it takes a lot out of you to give yourself over to performance, even just class exercises. It's all worth it, though; I can feel myself improving and it's an amazing feeling.

I would be remiss if I didn't admit that being so focused took some of my focus away from that other part of my life I work so hard at: my optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and kindness to others mantra. The past three weeks have been a wake up call to me in that aspect. Rather than noticing a good attitude about me, people began to notice a somewhat judgemental attitude, and an occasionally less-than-joyous mood. It's the state I most naturally fall back into, but it's the state that I refuse to be snared by. It hurts me when I hear those things from people- I want people to notice a light about me, a peace that can be explained by nothing besides God. JJ Moore used to tell a story about a young boy sitting in Sunday School listening to the teacher talk about God being inside of you. He raised his hand: "Teacher, isn't God huge? If he's inside of us, won't he poke out all over?"

I sure hope so. I pray that he would fill me up and poke out all over.

I'm working on it, forever. Haha. I can't be perfectly good every day, and every day can't be perfectly good. But I can have peace every day. And every day I can try to reflect that peace as best as I can. Living with family again has made it glaringly obvious how much they put up with from me, attitude-wise. Attempting to be perky each day in public has turned me into someone with the bad habit of letting my family always see my worst side. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than the public gets. Recognizing my laziness attitude-wise with Amy and Julie has been a tough thing to come to terms with. But I am. And I'm working on it. Because not only does my family deserve it, so does the One who made me.

Laziness. That word has a lot of resonance with me lately. In Acting last week, I had to do another phone call exercise (I think I explained those earlier? Important phone call, important task in room, somewhere to go urgently.), and I blew it off until the morning before class. When I got to class I had an idea to go with: Mom had called and left a message on my phone that my dog had run away, and I was calling back and finding out they'd been found. But then out of nowhere came something else. Something similar to what I'd planned, but much stronger. My dogs hadn't gone missing. Sam had. My little brother. For over 10 hours. I was calling back and finding out he'd been found with a broken leg. Suddenly it was my turn to go. And I went. And it was pretty fantastic. The emotions were there, the technique was there, the honesty, the connection. It pretty well shocked my classmates. After I finished, the teacher followed me out into the hallway and took my face in her hands and said words I'll never forget: "James. Almost. Had you gone one more step, taken one more breath, it would have been amazing. Very good work." She went on to guess that I hadn't practiced. "You have got to get out of your own way. Your laziness is holding you back from expressing something truly amazing to us. I beg you. Don't be lazy. Get out of your own way."

And she's right, of course. This sentiment has been shared by almost every teacher: There's something very special inside of me. But I need to go one step further. Then there'd be something phenomenal. It's an encouraging thought, but it's also scary. What will that be if I go one step further? Where will it take me? It gives me chills thinking about it. But I've got to do it. It's what I was made for. I believe that.

We managed to maneuver a full-size couch and a ridiculously oversized TV into our 4th floor apartment with much difficulty and even more hilarity. Twice we employed the help of kind fellow tenants, once with nearly disastrous effects. But it's in now, baby! WE CONQUERED! And the mysterious long line of cops sitting outside our building has returned, making life truly complete once again.

Life is good. God is good. Always. It's not perfect. But it's a work in progress.