One Day at a Time

New York Tip of the Week: For a lovely evening out, I highly recommend this delightful outing I just experienced. Take a stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun is setting. Enjoy the ample and varied people-watching available and make sure to snap some picture of that New York skyline. In Brooklyn, a mere walk from the bridge, is NYC's oldest and most-acclaimed pizzeria, Grimaldi's. A favorite of celebs as widespread as Rudy Guiliani and Frank Sinatra, Grimaldi's has been an institution in New York for decades. Thereby, you can expect to wait in line over an hour if you're arriving at dinner time. Never fear! There is also, just down the street, the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, another landmark with nowhere near so long a wait, and chilling with an ice cream cone to tide you over during that wait for pizza sounds just heavenly to me. Julie and I had this charming evening as the final night of our growth group bible study- which ended up pretty much being the two of us and the two leaders. Afterwards, Brian and Cynthia decided against a return trip across the bridge, but Julie and I trekked it up all the way across the river and back to NYC. The view of the nighttime skyline was absolutely worth it.

This morning I went for a run in Central Park. Don't tell anyone, but it was the first time in weeks. Sadly, there hasn't been much motivation flowing from me as of late. But I must say I'm very glad I did it. I decided to up my game for my first time back out, and jogged my way around Central Park lake. If you are ever in this city during the spring, I insist that you take a run (or walk, for those of you less ambitious) around the lake. It is almost breathtakingly beautiful, the trees blooming in bright whites, pinks, and greens, the air never more refreshing. Kids play on the playgrounds, the birds and squirrels run all around you. I engage in surprise sprinting races with my fellow lake-runners. For that moment, all was well.

Tomorrow is the performance of my first exam play at school. And I'm going to show them all why I'm here.

Hope

Since returning to New York City and my dear American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I have handed out granola bars and bible verses to the homeless, drugged-out inhabitants of Union Square Park (I made quite a few friends!), ran four avenues to the subway at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain after a movie, pretended with my friend Vivian to be a young couple looking for a new bed and thoroughly testing each mattress at the mattress store, and been trapped between a stroller and a wheelchair on the subway as the train was coming to my stop (Who do you awkwardly ask to move?). I've also had quite a success story with the sisters- We have continued to run into this one particular guy from our building, finally me introducing myself, but we've failed to ever learn his number or which apartment he lives in. Therefore we attached a note to our door saying we would like to go bowling soon and would like him to join, and we received a note back saying that sounded delightful and giving us a phone number. The Addisons will prevail in our efforts to turn NYC into a charming Southern town!

I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.

I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.

It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...

I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.

Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.

Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.

I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.

Lost

I've been trying to come up with the words to say. I can't tell you how many times I've come to this page and then just stared at it. I questioned whether I should even bother to write about this, but this is what it is, so... I guess I still don't really know what to say...

As all of you know, life can turn on you sometimes. That has happened to me. It's been awhile since I've gone through a really rough time, but unfortunately that time has come again. More unfortunately, it is largely due to the same person it has been for almost two years now, and for largely the same reason. Perhaps most unfortunately of all is that this time has hit me harder than before. I find myself questioning everything I believe in, because suddenly it doesn't really make sense.

Vagueness, I know, is not appreciated. It is, however, somewhat necessary in this situation. Some of you know, many of you don't, that I returned to my hometown of Kemp, Tx during my spring break this past week for pretty much one reason: Because I thought that the relationship I've been pursuing for almost the past two years had finally come to be, just as I had always, in the deepest part of me, believed that it would. Last Friday night, everything I had hoped for seemed to be coming true. It was a perfect moment. But then it fell apart, and I fell with it.

How can I believe that it is meant to be and be wrong? How can it not be reciprocated? Was I wrong? It doesn't make sense.

I feel stupid for being so mistaken about this person. I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken by what they've done to me. I feel mad because of the difficulty of the situation for both of us, which played a huge role in why it didn't work out. I feel wasted because of how much time has been spent on this with no reward. And most awful is that for the past two years I have been pretty much solely relying on God to guide my steps. I have tried to live each day for him, through him, and by him. He led me here. I was continually brought back to this person no matter how many times I tried to end it. And it was for nothing? That doesn't make sense to me. And as hard as it is to explain exactly why, this current situation reveals to me some much larger issues with my life that I have pretty much no control over.

So what do you do when you become so lost? I don't know. I created the most perfect coping playlist ever created. I put on a happy face- I can always cry myself to sleep at night. Make the best of each day, if only for everyone else's sake. And I certainly ask for your prayers. This is going to tough, as evidenced by the plane ride to Colorado spent with tears streaming down my face (no doubt making the passengers around me most uncomfortable).

Life will go on. I know this. Right now, I am numb with emotion because I do not understand. But the fact that I am still acknowledging God with my anger means I still know that he’s real. And I believe that there can be reason behind this. I have to believe that.

"Stop worrying where you’re going- Move on. If you can know where you’re going, you’ve gone. Just keep moving on. I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You keep moving on."

I'm lost. I'm hoping to find the light again. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Perfect Moments

A couple days before the end of this semester I shared a moment in class with two of my section-mates of sheer, unadulerated joy. It wasn't anything amazing; we were talking about a certain Acting teacher of ours, and made a small joke that completely overtook all three of us in laughter. To someone on the outside, the joke probably wouldn't even be that funny. It was one of those moments where everything just happened to be right, where all tension was forgotten and we just laughed. It was one of the best moments of my week. Don't those moments just make it all worth it? They don't come all the time, but the stressful or difficult times make the perfect moments all the more meaningful. Today was one of those days, too.

A second semester of classes has come to an end for me at AADA- I'm sorry to see it go. This semester has challenged me, changed me, moved me in ways I never expected. I've learned so much, gained so much, experienced so much, and gotten to know some fantastic people. And without tooting my own horn, I was able to finish off the semester (particularly the last week) very proud of myself. When I go back next week, I'll be in Exam Plays: four productions to demonstrate your application of training in General American, Movement, Acting, etc. It'll be totally different again. And I can't wait.

A lovely week was spent with little brothers Ben and Sam, culminating (for me) in a KICK-AWESOME Broadway show, Memphis, the Central Park Zoo, and an evening trip to a deserted, haunting, and very cold Coney Island- It was actually one of my favorite things I've done since moving to the city. We wandered the empty beaches and gathered the coolest pieces of glass we could find (it's about as common as the sand).

Now I'm home, seeing amazing people and staying with the incomparable Liz and Sarah Joblin. There's no place like home is perhaps the most true statement ever made.

PS: I'm going to start doing an email notification every time I blog- Anyone interested in that leave your email for me. :)