Guatemala- 4/8/13

As my plane to Guatemala ascended today, we rose through thick, opaque clouds, bumping and bouncing around, and emerged on the other side, soaring above white, rolling hills. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I almost didn't make it on this trip. My family has been planning to go on a week-long mission trip to Guatemala with my parent's church for months, and at about midnight last night I realized that I did not have my passport. I tore my apartment apart searching, but I was fairly certain I knew where it had been left- Four days ago I had made copies of my IDs as I was supposed to at a Staples in midtown, and had only just now realized that I had left my passport there. My flight was leaving at 6:30 am the next morning, before Staples would even be open to ask if they had possibly found it. Frantic and desperate phone calls were made to Mom, and after much considering every possible solution, we realized that pretty much the only thing we could do was change my flight to 2:30, go to Staples first thing in the morning, and hope. 

I didn't have much hope. Last night was one of the most stressful, awful nights in recent memory. I felt stupid. I was furious with myself, and had no idea what I was going to do if I didn't get to go on the trip. I couldn't imagine even wanting to leave my bedroom. How could God let me do something so stupid as I was preparing to go serve him.

Around 3 in the morning, after hours of freak out, I was laying in my bed staring into the abyss when I got a text from an old friend I haven't heard from probably in over a year. She said I'd been on her mind. She happened to be going through a pretty bad night of her own. I talked her through what was going on, and, in the process, reminded myself of a few things: My life was not a complete disaster, not in any way. There are other people going through things just as bad or worse than me, always. And the power to adapt, survive, and thrive in any situation lies entirely with me; the only thing I am in control of is myself. I confided in my friend what was going on, and she prayed with me through the phone, and told me what, deep down, I knew was true- I had no idea what God was doing. There could be something totally different and better planned for me this week. The point was, of course, that my trust has to fall on Him. If I say I believe in His sovereignty, His omnipotence, then I have to actually believe in it. 

I fell into sleep. I said goodbye to Amy as she left for the trip. I woke up at 6:15, and headed for Staples. I walked in as the man unlocked the door, and the passport was there waiting for me. I would make the 2:30 flight easily. I was going.

I can't be sure why God put me through that. Perhaps He did have something else in mind for me this week, and realized I couldn't handle it. There could be effects that I will never see. But I think it was because He needed to break me down so that I could fall back on Him, just in time to leave all the usual things of life behind and devote myself to service. What better way to prepare me to completely fall on Him?

And what an interesting lesson. Perhaps I need to rethink my definition of God's blessing. And what a good reminder to keep my eyes open. 

I couldn't be happier to be going on this trip. I hope I can be of use. I hope I can be challenged, and grow. I thank God for reminding me already that even if I have to rise through the turbulence, I will eventually break through and soar above the clouds. 

Back to NYC after a month away

I spent the last month having a decidedly NON-New York Experience. I made the decision to run away from the sweltering heat and steadily building discontent of NYC and fly home for a couple weeks. A couple weeks turned into three with a mission trip tacked on the end; I loved every minute of it. Partially because I didn't have to worry about becoming a sweat-dripping, red-faced monster when I stepped out the door, but mostly because I didn't have to worry, period. That's such a fantastic, indescribable, wonderful feeling. It's also, unfortunately, not reality. Not past the age of 18.

Now it's true that God tells us not to worry, and I understand what He means; My eventual destination is secured, and I have a really big helper on my side. So, from the big perspective, life is pretty carefree. But life while we're living it is full of, if not worry, then thinking. Choosing. Taking action. Making mistakes. Struggle is what life is made of. Perhaps we'll get back to that in a bit.

I spent last week in El Salvador at an orphanage called Casa Hogar Jehovah Jireh. My family and I stayed there before when we were on our six-month Central American extravaganza. It's supported by a wonderful company called SHIP and is filled with the sweetest, kindest, most loving kids I've ever known. It's hard for me to even think back on them right now without being overcome; these kids are amazing. We planted gardens and built showers and delivered quail coops and took kids to waterparks and it was a truly fantastic week. It was also a week of much self-examination. I can't speak highly enough of the people that were on the trip with me, both my family and the others there. Such fearlessness, such a complete lack of inhibition or conceitedness; it's hard for me to explicate clearly so I guess I'll put it this way: If I learned one thing from last week it's how much I'm stuck in my head and how often that makes me selfish. How often do I think of myself before others? How can I serve like that? All "spirituality" aside, how much do I limit myself in that way, by overanalyzing instead of just jumping in and DOING?

How many people would meet me and get an impression even close to what I think of those kids? If they can afford to live with such love surely I can too.

I think somewhere in there there's an answer to the musings up at the top; at the very least there's some wisdom. When all I think of is myself, I'm bound to get a little sick of the same thing over and over. If I overanalyze every situation I'll never be surprised. And if I can learn to see struggle, obstacle, work as the stuff life is made of, the stuff that makes living being alive, then I might just start greeting life a little bit more like those kids. Did I just make sense? I'm not sure, but I think I needed to write it.

So all of my problems are solved, yes? No, certainly not. I'm still an unemployed actor who feels more alone than ever in the most crowded city in America, and once I figure me out I can move on to life's other great unsolved mysteries such as how to stay fit while eating what I want, is bigfoot real, and why can't I keep track of a set of fingernail clippers ever. But I may be able to get some sleep tonight now.

On my last night at the orphanage one of the kids slid a bracelet they made onto my wrist. I intend to wear it FOREVER... or at least until it falls apart. Just as a little reminder of how I want to live my life: With love. 

Hope

Since returning to New York City and my dear American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I have handed out granola bars and bible verses to the homeless, drugged-out inhabitants of Union Square Park (I made quite a few friends!), ran four avenues to the subway at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain after a movie, pretended with my friend Vivian to be a young couple looking for a new bed and thoroughly testing each mattress at the mattress store, and been trapped between a stroller and a wheelchair on the subway as the train was coming to my stop (Who do you awkwardly ask to move?). I've also had quite a success story with the sisters- We have continued to run into this one particular guy from our building, finally me introducing myself, but we've failed to ever learn his number or which apartment he lives in. Therefore we attached a note to our door saying we would like to go bowling soon and would like him to join, and we received a note back saying that sounded delightful and giving us a phone number. The Addisons will prevail in our efforts to turn NYC into a charming Southern town!

I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.

I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.

It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...

I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.

Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.

Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.

I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.

Jay's Guide to Happy Life

This is kind of an awkward subject to talk about, but I feel compelled to share it.  A few weeks ago, I had a bit of a mini-revelation, realizing that I'd let my busy schedule, my stress about school, the constant digging up of emotion we do in class, and the self-consciousness that comes with living in this city and being a performer get to me.  I'm not always the person I really want to be; sometimes I look at myself (my attitude, the way I act toward others) and I'm a bit disappointed. So I spent that night praying and thinking, and I came up with this list:

JAY'S GUIDE TO HAPPY LIFE

1. Wear a rubber band on your wrist- Each time a negative thought enters your mind, snap the rubber band against your wrist. It's gonna sting. But you'll be amazed how quickly you stop thinking negatively. And it will help you realize how much negative thoughts you could get rid of during a day.
2. Devote yourself to what you do, whether it be school or work. No one can be fully satisfied halfway doing anything (If you can, you've got bigger problems than me). Take time each day to genuinely work on your 'craft' (And if you don't have a 'craft', get one!)
3. Confidence. You were created- CREATED, different from anyone else in the world. Special. Believe it.
4. Caring, Sympathetic kindness. Make an effort to become known for the good person you are.
5. Low, steady voice. This is kind of a personal one for me. Letting your voice give over to higher pitches shows insecurity. It's a problem of mine.... You can ignore it if you want. Awkward.
6. Exercise. DO IT. IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, I PROMISE.
7. Smile! Make constant eye contact. Don't be afraid to touch people.
8. Be mysterious. It makes you all the more interesting.
9. Run from stereotype- Defy it!
10. Express yourself. It's a cliche, sure. But get out what you're feeling in some way: Sing, play, embrace your emotions.
11. Never be bored. Play a game. Ride a bike. Fly a kite. Make a painting. Read a book. Write a book. Etc.
12. Move on. One of my favorite quotes: "I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken. The choosing was not. You keep moving on."
13. Trust in God. I guess if you're not 'religious', you can skip this one... but I wouldn't recommend it. There is nothing more true or real in my life than this. There is no one that gives me more comfort or hope or joy. "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

There you go. Take it or leave it. It's a big list with some tall orders, I know. And I definitely can't say I've been successfully living by each rule and having a perfect life since. But I put it up on my wall. And I will be reminded of it during the day (usually when I'm messing up!). And step by step I'm working on it. And maybe, hopefully I can display the person I was created to be, the person He wants me to be, just a little bit better each day.

Video/Song I'm currently listening to on replay:

Strength Like a Fire

This semester we have a class called Mask that I find completely fascinating. However, almost every single week when I'm in there I catch myself thinking, "If someone from home walked in right now..." I won't deny it's one of the stranger courses AADA has to offer, and that's saying something. The basic idea is this: You cover your face with a neutral mask and therefore have to express all of your emotion through your body. Every week we have a new scenario of some kind that we go through as a group, then individually go through it while wearing the mask. An example scenario:

You're in a beautiful, lush, pillared courtyard. There's flowers and trees and a little pond. The ceiling is glass and the walls are open. Beyond the courtyard is a dense forest. Beyond the forest are mountains. Beyond the mountains, out of sight, is the ocean. Suddenly, a bird flies into the courtyard. It flies back and forth, from one end to the other, then right in front of you it stops and falls to the ground, dead. You kneel down to pick it up in your hands. But as you're holding it, it comes back to life and flies away!

Last week we did something a little different- We embodied each of the four elements, air, fire, water, and earth. We did it first as a group with our eyes closed. But then, of course, she made us get up an embody one of the elements as a mask solo. Worse, she informed us that this time, everybody else in the room was there. We could see them, and they could see us. I was pretty much petrified. In the group work, I had found the exercise fascinating and incredibly freeing. But to do it in front of everyone... and I knew which element I had to do, the one I most easily connected with, the most deep-rooted and personal one: Fire.

It's not surprising that Fire would speak to me. Deep inside of me, in my core there is a fire always burning. It's the most personal, most primal part of me, a part that does often get pushed aside or dampened (pardon the pun) because I'm shy or uncomfortable. However, it's the part of me that never allows myself to give up; this unextinguishable strength. And that's what great acting is all about, at least in part; sharing with people the deepest, most personal part of ourselves in performance. Because when you do that as an actor, people feel it. It's a tangible thing. And they can't take their eyes off of the work because it is so truthful. That's what I want to do. But it's still a little scary sometimes.

Life is not a cakewalk. This semester has seen both highs and lows of my New York Experience- I've been learning more than I ever expected to at school, but I've also had days where I really felt like there was really no one in this school who cared about me at all. Sometimes I spend entire days feeling progressively worse and worse convincing myself that no one likes me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I learned the falseness of that some time ago, though. There was a moment when I was traveling through Central America with my family that I realized something incredible: God created me. He CREATED ME. And he don't make no accidents. What's more, I have a literal worry-free guarantee: God's promised to take care of me, and he hasn't let me down yet. He will take me where I need to go. I may have no idea how important everything I'm going through will be to me in the future- but I know there's reason behind it all. And that's encouraging; heck, that's empowering! And it makes me feel all warm and toasty inside (which is an especially nice bonus considering how cold it is!).

Now don't get confused here: We can't just hand everything over to Big G.O.D. and expect him to take care of it with no effort from us. He will take care of everything, but we have to do our part. It's a relationship, folks. That implies two sides, and there has to be two sides for your life to become the wonderful thing it can be. This is something I've had to confront myself with recently. I think being so blessed had lulled me into a bit of  complacency. That no work. But I'm working on fixing it.

I know that He's given me a dream. I know that this is where He wants me to be right now. I don't know where this career will lead me, I don't even know the next step, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. So I gave it my all. I came out from behind that partition and let the Fire consume me. It was pretty intense for me, and I guess it came across. For almost all the others, there had been that awkward laughter of people feeling foolish- nobody laughed this time. It took me the rest of the class to shake it off, part of which included me having to put my head down and cry. The teacher had that now-familiar phrase as advice: Almost. One step more and it would have been very powerful.

I think I've heard that enough. It's all too easy to think who am I to be something incredible, but really... who am I not to be? I think it's time to take that last step. It's time to let the strength in me take over, consume me, flow from me.

Like a Fire.

A Work in Progress

What can I tell you? School is amazing as of late. Literally every day, every class there is something to be learned, some way to benefit. It has changed from last semester. There's a lot more to do in every class (an overwhelming amount of work sometimes), from improvs to sketch comedy to choreography assignments to transcription exercises, but more than that it has to do with a simple truth: If you devote yourself to something, you will benefit. It took me awhile to realize that last semester, but this semester I returned to school knowing without a doubt that I was there for one purpose: to learn. And learn I have. It's incredible how much the past three weeks of school has benefited me. The other side of that, however, is that I'm 'bout spent at the end of each day. Believe it or not, it takes a lot out of you to give yourself over to performance, even just class exercises. It's all worth it, though; I can feel myself improving and it's an amazing feeling.

I would be remiss if I didn't admit that being so focused took some of my focus away from that other part of my life I work so hard at: my optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and kindness to others mantra. The past three weeks have been a wake up call to me in that aspect. Rather than noticing a good attitude about me, people began to notice a somewhat judgemental attitude, and an occasionally less-than-joyous mood. It's the state I most naturally fall back into, but it's the state that I refuse to be snared by. It hurts me when I hear those things from people- I want people to notice a light about me, a peace that can be explained by nothing besides God. JJ Moore used to tell a story about a young boy sitting in Sunday School listening to the teacher talk about God being inside of you. He raised his hand: "Teacher, isn't God huge? If he's inside of us, won't he poke out all over?"

I sure hope so. I pray that he would fill me up and poke out all over.

I'm working on it, forever. Haha. I can't be perfectly good every day, and every day can't be perfectly good. But I can have peace every day. And every day I can try to reflect that peace as best as I can. Living with family again has made it glaringly obvious how much they put up with from me, attitude-wise. Attempting to be perky each day in public has turned me into someone with the bad habit of letting my family always see my worst side. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than the public gets. Recognizing my laziness attitude-wise with Amy and Julie has been a tough thing to come to terms with. But I am. And I'm working on it. Because not only does my family deserve it, so does the One who made me.

Laziness. That word has a lot of resonance with me lately. In Acting last week, I had to do another phone call exercise (I think I explained those earlier? Important phone call, important task in room, somewhere to go urgently.), and I blew it off until the morning before class. When I got to class I had an idea to go with: Mom had called and left a message on my phone that my dog had run away, and I was calling back and finding out they'd been found. But then out of nowhere came something else. Something similar to what I'd planned, but much stronger. My dogs hadn't gone missing. Sam had. My little brother. For over 10 hours. I was calling back and finding out he'd been found with a broken leg. Suddenly it was my turn to go. And I went. And it was pretty fantastic. The emotions were there, the technique was there, the honesty, the connection. It pretty well shocked my classmates. After I finished, the teacher followed me out into the hallway and took my face in her hands and said words I'll never forget: "James. Almost. Had you gone one more step, taken one more breath, it would have been amazing. Very good work." She went on to guess that I hadn't practiced. "You have got to get out of your own way. Your laziness is holding you back from expressing something truly amazing to us. I beg you. Don't be lazy. Get out of your own way."

And she's right, of course. This sentiment has been shared by almost every teacher: There's something very special inside of me. But I need to go one step further. Then there'd be something phenomenal. It's an encouraging thought, but it's also scary. What will that be if I go one step further? Where will it take me? It gives me chills thinking about it. But I've got to do it. It's what I was made for. I believe that.

We managed to maneuver a full-size couch and a ridiculously oversized TV into our 4th floor apartment with much difficulty and even more hilarity. Twice we employed the help of kind fellow tenants, once with nearly disastrous effects. But it's in now, baby! WE CONQUERED! And the mysterious long line of cops sitting outside our building has returned, making life truly complete once again.

Life is good. God is good. Always. It's not perfect. But it's a work in progress.

Getting Back to Blogging!

Okay, first good thing about my sisters being here: They're on my case about updating the blog- I've been getting lazy! It's certainly not from lack of delightful and bizarre New York occurrences. There have been plenty of those.

My sisters moved up here with me- I infected them with some of that New York City crazy! We've got a lovely little apartment right on the edge of Harlem, surrounded by the projects. We like it! Some of my friends have been a bit nervous to come up here. They'll come around though. I will say that for the first week we were here, a line of about sixteen cops pulled up across the street every night and just sat there, I guess just to remind everyone that law enforcement does in fact exist in Harlem. It was quite strange, and the sisters and I were quite tempted to run down and demand to know what they were doing. But we thought that might give off some unintended signals.

For those of you who don't know, cheaply furnishing an apartment in NYC is quite an experience. Especially if you live on the 4th floor of a walk-up. Although there are wonderful things to be had for free from people all over the city who no longer want them, the adventure begins once you confirm that you want that item of furniture and then must figure out how to move it from one side of the island to the other and up the stairs to your place. We experienced this quite vividly today. After confirming we wanted a free 36 inch TV, we rented a car for an hour to go fetch it. When Julie and I arrived, the first thing the guy said was, "I don't think you brought enough people." When we saw the TV, we understood. It was MASSIVE. The super-nice couple's son was there to help us down to the truck, but when we arrived at our apartment building's door, we were on our own. Naturally, Amy was not picking up her phone (picks the best times to jump in the shower, doesn't she?), so Julie and heaved, lunged, pushed, and pulled the huge thing through the initial doors so that it was in the first level hallway. Then Julie had to run off to return the rented car in time. For a moment I felt quite helpless, but then Amy came dashing down the stairs, a wide grin across her face. I felt helped- until we tried to lift the TV. It wasn't happening. So, we pushed it all the way down the hallway to the edge of the stairs, frequently moving out of the way of our sympathetic fellow tenants. At last we reached the stairs.

We lifted. It didn't move. We got it up one step. We tried to start again. It wasn't happening. A nice neighbor from some foreign country who knows where joined in the effort and he and I started up the suddenly incredibly steep stairs. The result was that I got five steps up before he'd stepped up the first, so my body was bent in half clutching this TV as this perfect stranger heaved with all his might. It dropped onto my foot and into the hands of Mr. Nice Neighbor and somehow we (literally) wrestled it back down to the ground floor, Amy laughing uncontrollably at the whole ordeal. After that we just kinda stared at the monster- What could be said? We'd been defeated.

Long story short, the TV is still sitting on the ground floor of our apartment. Schemes have been drawn and re-drawn as to how we can manage to get it up here, but... I think it may be a lost cause. Craigslist, here comes a big 36 inch!

School is more challenging than ever. The impersonation of Elvis was quite an experience; the idea behind the assignment was embodiment over impersonation (channeling, if you will), and,in a way that's really quite impossible to explain, I really got it. I wasn't impersonating Elvis, I was Elvis. We won't get too into that wierdo acting stuff, though. It's enough to say that my Elvis was good enough that it even excited the lesbians in my class. Speaking of Acting, in that class we had what I found to be a very fascinating assignment where we set up our bedroom in the classroom, came in from somewhere, had something we had to do in our room, had somewhere we had to go, and had an important, urgent phone call to make based on something from our real lives. I was one of the last to go, but I gotta say I was proud of how I did. I was a little nervous going into it because I decided from the get go that I was gonna give everything in Acting class my all this semester, and it was a personal exercise. But it paid off. I felt fulfilled, I expressed, I went to real places within myself. The teacher was pretty impressed too; she made an example out of my phone call as what to do for this exercise.

I'm a blessed boy, that's for sure. I've been given so much that I don't deserve; family, opportunity, gifts, friends, love. Salvation. Peace. Even when things aren't at their best, I'm never able to really let myself feel self-pity or despair for more than a minute. And I'll be honest, things haven't been their easiest lately. New things are always tough for me. I always feel like I have trouble befriending new people, becoming comfortable with people and circumstances, giving a good first impression. I'm really a pretty insecure fellow. So I hand it over to the big G-O-D and let him take over. And I trust he'll handle it perfectly. He always does. In the meantime I give my best effort each day to be as friendly, happy-go-lucky, and fun as I can be.

There's at least one big improvement over last semester: I come home every day to my sisters waiting at home for me. We find plenty of shenanigans to get into all on our own, whether it be random dance-offs in our still-empty living room or running to Times Square at midnight just for the heck of it. I would also like to take this space to share something really awesome: Elizabeth Victoria Joblin recently made the decision to leave her current schooling at SFA to spend this semester getting an Associate's degree at TVCC and next semester working and saving up. She did this so she would be able to spend the semester following living in a big city with me, both of us pursuing our dreams together. It's an incredibly brave thing, and flipping exciting. I can't wait to spend a year tearing up the entertainment industry with my best friend. :)

World-Changer

Sometimes I get restless. Despite the fact that I'm living in flippin' New York City, attending one of the best acting schools in the country, and am one of the most blessed people in the world- I still feel like there's more for me out there. I want to change the world. I've known this almost my entire life- I've felt that there was something very special planned for me for as long as I can remember. But I still get scared; I don't know if I'm really anything special at all sometimes. Who am I to think I could be of relevance to this world?

Yet I can't shake that feeling (I've never been able to shake it): I'm supposed to change the world.

The world doesn't make it all that easy. Earth can be a discouraging place to live, folks; I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Circumstances can be hard. People can be hurtful. It's so easy to get in a pessimistic, unbelieving, and unhappy mindset. Your heart can break.

But it can also mend. You can believe again.

All around me there are people trudging through life, taking each miserable step just to get to the next. Then there's me, sometimes practically skipping through the streets of New York, a big smile on my face. Maybe that's why people keep staring at me. Well, let 'em stare! Maybe my ridiculously goofy smile will spread to their faces just a little- wouldn't that be awesome?

I'm made to do this. I know that. I feel it confirmed every time I pray, every time I'm in church. God has given me gifts that were meant to be shared with the world. I don't say this out of cockiness; it's a destiny thing. God put the dream in me, and I won't stop believing.

Still, sometimes I get restless. I don't think it has so much to do with not being a world-changer. I think it has to do more with the weak, human fear I feel each time I feel I wanna change the world and a little voice whispers in my ear, "Then do it."

Don't really know why I felt compelled to write this today. Oh well. Inspiring video of the week: