Successful Weekend!

Okay. Last October, me and my friends Alex, Jake, and Kyra happened to be in Madison Square Park at around 11 in the morning checking out the Shake Shack. As is usual with that park in the fall months there was some kind of music festival going on, and as we sat down a little band took the stage called Tim and the Space Cadets, singing fantastically cool kids rock songs like Superhero and The Greatest Party Ever. We instantly became the group's biggest fans, heading backstage like stalkers and making our way to lead singer Tim. Six months and several Facebook requests later, today we found ourselves at Kindiefest in Brooklyn catching the Space Cadets once again. Before we knew what was happening, we had T-shirts and CDs, were chilling with Tim and friends, pulling roadie duty and helping load up the merch, and heading out to eat with pretty much the coolest band ever.

It turned into a pretty awesome afternoon, folks. These guys are rockin', and Jake, Alex, and I were definitely starstruck, flipping out, and every other version of excited. Tim is legitimately our hero, and now we don't have to feel like creepy stalkers when we say that- We know that guy! If you wanna check out the band you can go here: http://www.timandthespacecadets.com/. I recommend 'em, yo.

Yesterday evening was spent at Coney Island with friends, and all I can say about that is LOVE. Between frisbee wars, volleyball, picture-taking frenzies, and eating dinner at McDonalds like true Americans, I had one of the most wonderful nights in a long time.

One half of my first series of Exam Plays at school is done; I performed in Bury the Dead on Friday. It's such strange work, acting. When you're performing, it's difficult to ever know whether you're doing well or not. I'm guessing this is particularly true of deeply emotional roles, which Bury the Dead certainly was (Dead soldiers rising out of the grave, refusing to be buried despite begging by the significant women in their lives. Ya, it's heavy.) The compliments I received from friends and faculty afterward were probably the most humbling experience I've gone through in awhile. Tomorrow is the final performance of my second show, The Shadow Box, and then it's on to two new plays! I can't believe this school year will be over in just a few weeks. That's crazy.

Day by day, I try to stay strong. It's not easy; it still hurts. I still don't really understand. But I guess I don't have to. Days like these, moments of wonder, joy... I'm grateful for those. The rest I'll try to let go and let Him take care of.

One Day at a Time

New York Tip of the Week: For a lovely evening out, I highly recommend this delightful outing I just experienced. Take a stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun is setting. Enjoy the ample and varied people-watching available and make sure to snap some picture of that New York skyline. In Brooklyn, a mere walk from the bridge, is NYC's oldest and most-acclaimed pizzeria, Grimaldi's. A favorite of celebs as widespread as Rudy Guiliani and Frank Sinatra, Grimaldi's has been an institution in New York for decades. Thereby, you can expect to wait in line over an hour if you're arriving at dinner time. Never fear! There is also, just down the street, the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, another landmark with nowhere near so long a wait, and chilling with an ice cream cone to tide you over during that wait for pizza sounds just heavenly to me. Julie and I had this charming evening as the final night of our growth group bible study- which ended up pretty much being the two of us and the two leaders. Afterwards, Brian and Cynthia decided against a return trip across the bridge, but Julie and I trekked it up all the way across the river and back to NYC. The view of the nighttime skyline was absolutely worth it.

This morning I went for a run in Central Park. Don't tell anyone, but it was the first time in weeks. Sadly, there hasn't been much motivation flowing from me as of late. But I must say I'm very glad I did it. I decided to up my game for my first time back out, and jogged my way around Central Park lake. If you are ever in this city during the spring, I insist that you take a run (or walk, for those of you less ambitious) around the lake. It is almost breathtakingly beautiful, the trees blooming in bright whites, pinks, and greens, the air never more refreshing. Kids play on the playgrounds, the birds and squirrels run all around you. I engage in surprise sprinting races with my fellow lake-runners. For that moment, all was well.

Tomorrow is the performance of my first exam play at school. And I'm going to show them all why I'm here.

Hope

Since returning to New York City and my dear American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I have handed out granola bars and bible verses to the homeless, drugged-out inhabitants of Union Square Park (I made quite a few friends!), ran four avenues to the subway at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain after a movie, pretended with my friend Vivian to be a young couple looking for a new bed and thoroughly testing each mattress at the mattress store, and been trapped between a stroller and a wheelchair on the subway as the train was coming to my stop (Who do you awkwardly ask to move?). I've also had quite a success story with the sisters- We have continued to run into this one particular guy from our building, finally me introducing myself, but we've failed to ever learn his number or which apartment he lives in. Therefore we attached a note to our door saying we would like to go bowling soon and would like him to join, and we received a note back saying that sounded delightful and giving us a phone number. The Addisons will prevail in our efforts to turn NYC into a charming Southern town!

I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.

I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.

It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...

I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.

Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.

Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.

I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.

Lost

I've been trying to come up with the words to say. I can't tell you how many times I've come to this page and then just stared at it. I questioned whether I should even bother to write about this, but this is what it is, so... I guess I still don't really know what to say...

As all of you know, life can turn on you sometimes. That has happened to me. It's been awhile since I've gone through a really rough time, but unfortunately that time has come again. More unfortunately, it is largely due to the same person it has been for almost two years now, and for largely the same reason. Perhaps most unfortunately of all is that this time has hit me harder than before. I find myself questioning everything I believe in, because suddenly it doesn't really make sense.

Vagueness, I know, is not appreciated. It is, however, somewhat necessary in this situation. Some of you know, many of you don't, that I returned to my hometown of Kemp, Tx during my spring break this past week for pretty much one reason: Because I thought that the relationship I've been pursuing for almost the past two years had finally come to be, just as I had always, in the deepest part of me, believed that it would. Last Friday night, everything I had hoped for seemed to be coming true. It was a perfect moment. But then it fell apart, and I fell with it.

How can I believe that it is meant to be and be wrong? How can it not be reciprocated? Was I wrong? It doesn't make sense.

I feel stupid for being so mistaken about this person. I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken by what they've done to me. I feel mad because of the difficulty of the situation for both of us, which played a huge role in why it didn't work out. I feel wasted because of how much time has been spent on this with no reward. And most awful is that for the past two years I have been pretty much solely relying on God to guide my steps. I have tried to live each day for him, through him, and by him. He led me here. I was continually brought back to this person no matter how many times I tried to end it. And it was for nothing? That doesn't make sense to me. And as hard as it is to explain exactly why, this current situation reveals to me some much larger issues with my life that I have pretty much no control over.

So what do you do when you become so lost? I don't know. I created the most perfect coping playlist ever created. I put on a happy face- I can always cry myself to sleep at night. Make the best of each day, if only for everyone else's sake. And I certainly ask for your prayers. This is going to tough, as evidenced by the plane ride to Colorado spent with tears streaming down my face (no doubt making the passengers around me most uncomfortable).

Life will go on. I know this. Right now, I am numb with emotion because I do not understand. But the fact that I am still acknowledging God with my anger means I still know that he’s real. And I believe that there can be reason behind this. I have to believe that.

"Stop worrying where you’re going- Move on. If you can know where you’re going, you’ve gone. Just keep moving on. I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You keep moving on."

I'm lost. I'm hoping to find the light again. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Perfect Moments

A couple days before the end of this semester I shared a moment in class with two of my section-mates of sheer, unadulerated joy. It wasn't anything amazing; we were talking about a certain Acting teacher of ours, and made a small joke that completely overtook all three of us in laughter. To someone on the outside, the joke probably wouldn't even be that funny. It was one of those moments where everything just happened to be right, where all tension was forgotten and we just laughed. It was one of the best moments of my week. Don't those moments just make it all worth it? They don't come all the time, but the stressful or difficult times make the perfect moments all the more meaningful. Today was one of those days, too.

A second semester of classes has come to an end for me at AADA- I'm sorry to see it go. This semester has challenged me, changed me, moved me in ways I never expected. I've learned so much, gained so much, experienced so much, and gotten to know some fantastic people. And without tooting my own horn, I was able to finish off the semester (particularly the last week) very proud of myself. When I go back next week, I'll be in Exam Plays: four productions to demonstrate your application of training in General American, Movement, Acting, etc. It'll be totally different again. And I can't wait.

A lovely week was spent with little brothers Ben and Sam, culminating (for me) in a KICK-AWESOME Broadway show, Memphis, the Central Park Zoo, and an evening trip to a deserted, haunting, and very cold Coney Island- It was actually one of my favorite things I've done since moving to the city. We wandered the empty beaches and gathered the coolest pieces of glass we could find (it's about as common as the sand).

Now I'm home, seeing amazing people and staying with the incomparable Liz and Sarah Joblin. There's no place like home is perhaps the most true statement ever made.

PS: I'm going to start doing an email notification every time I blog- Anyone interested in that leave your email for me. :)

Jay's Guide to Happy Life

This is kind of an awkward subject to talk about, but I feel compelled to share it.  A few weeks ago, I had a bit of a mini-revelation, realizing that I'd let my busy schedule, my stress about school, the constant digging up of emotion we do in class, and the self-consciousness that comes with living in this city and being a performer get to me.  I'm not always the person I really want to be; sometimes I look at myself (my attitude, the way I act toward others) and I'm a bit disappointed. So I spent that night praying and thinking, and I came up with this list:

JAY'S GUIDE TO HAPPY LIFE

1. Wear a rubber band on your wrist- Each time a negative thought enters your mind, snap the rubber band against your wrist. It's gonna sting. But you'll be amazed how quickly you stop thinking negatively. And it will help you realize how much negative thoughts you could get rid of during a day.
2. Devote yourself to what you do, whether it be school or work. No one can be fully satisfied halfway doing anything (If you can, you've got bigger problems than me). Take time each day to genuinely work on your 'craft' (And if you don't have a 'craft', get one!)
3. Confidence. You were created- CREATED, different from anyone else in the world. Special. Believe it.
4. Caring, Sympathetic kindness. Make an effort to become known for the good person you are.
5. Low, steady voice. This is kind of a personal one for me. Letting your voice give over to higher pitches shows insecurity. It's a problem of mine.... You can ignore it if you want. Awkward.
6. Exercise. DO IT. IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER, I PROMISE.
7. Smile! Make constant eye contact. Don't be afraid to touch people.
8. Be mysterious. It makes you all the more interesting.
9. Run from stereotype- Defy it!
10. Express yourself. It's a cliche, sure. But get out what you're feeling in some way: Sing, play, embrace your emotions.
11. Never be bored. Play a game. Ride a bike. Fly a kite. Make a painting. Read a book. Write a book. Etc.
12. Move on. One of my favorite quotes: "I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken. The choosing was not. You keep moving on."
13. Trust in God. I guess if you're not 'religious', you can skip this one... but I wouldn't recommend it. There is nothing more true or real in my life than this. There is no one that gives me more comfort or hope or joy. "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

There you go. Take it or leave it. It's a big list with some tall orders, I know. And I definitely can't say I've been successfully living by each rule and having a perfect life since. But I put it up on my wall. And I will be reminded of it during the day (usually when I'm messing up!). And step by step I'm working on it. And maybe, hopefully I can display the person I was created to be, the person He wants me to be, just a little bit better each day.

Video/Song I'm currently listening to on replay:

Two Adventures

Oh it's been a craaazy time. School is rushing by me- I was informed by someone today that there are only 17 school days left of this term. That's INSANE. Where has the time gone? I've certainly learned enough. Notebooks full of fantastic exercises, tips, techniques, approaches... I am truly thankful for the experiences I've had this semester. I've been challenged, changed, bettered. And still a month  to go!

The staff certainly seems aware that time is running out. My calendar has never been so full in my entire life; pathetically it's all school assignments. Oh well. I guess I asked for it.

Meanwhile there have been many crazy adventures to contend with outside of  my institution of learning as well. Recently, Amy, Julie, and I strolled out of the apartment and just as the door slammed shut I decided to ask, "You've got the keys, haven't you?". They hadn't, and the door had now locked automatically. It was Saturday and our Super doesn't answer calls on weekends. We went on with our lunch plans (locked out of an apartment is no reason to not eat), and after much deliberation decided there was a simple solution: Knock on the door of someone living above us (none of whom we've met) and ask if i can climb through their window and shimmy down the fire escape into Julie's window. I tentatively knocked on the door of the apartment above us. When it opened, my request was immediately granted by three 20-something dudes: "Sure! No problem! This isn't the first time!" (Which begs the question: Who ELSE have they let climb down the fire escape into apartments??). The endeavor was a total kick-awesome success, of which I'm very proud, and I managed to get invited to a party in the process. Chyeah!

Today I went to Madison Square Park with two friends during our break. It was just a random decision, but it turned out to be THE BEST decision of the day: We sat down in the middle of the park, and not ten minutes later a man set up right in front of us with a big bucket of suds and a homemade wand; he was blowing giant bubbles! It was amazing, and the three of us watched and clapped and cheered as he showed off his bubble-making skills- I think we were more excited than the many 5-year-olds gathered to watch. After awhile he asked the most wonderful question I've ever heard: "Is there anyone who'd like to try?" Our hands shot into the air so fast we had no choice but to leap up after them. I know I sound a little ridiculous, but really. It's the little things. Magic moments. Those are the things that keep you sane, make your life a happy experience. It's something I've always believed in: You can look all around you and find wonderful experiences, amazing little things to see that can brighten your whole day. I think things like that are miracles.

There's much more to tell, not enough time. I have an 11 hour day at school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. An ELEVEN HOUR DAY. With that, I bid you all goodnight. I will write again soon. :)