Actor (and general Jay) Insecurities

It's been a fast-paced couple of weeks. Rehearsals for The Wedding Plan are underway, and run-thrus of the show have begun! We'll get to more on that later. But first, an anecdote! The other day, I was leaving my apartment building, running late (as always) for class. As I was going out the front door, these two guys in suits stopped and stared at me, and I knew right away they were going to talk to me. I was proven right as soon as I walked outside.

'Excuse me, do you live here?'

'Yes.'

'Has anyone come to talk to you about the green energy yet?'

'No.'

'No! Oh man!' (Man begins fiddling with a notebook of some kind.)

'Listen, guys, I'm running really late and I can't talk right now.'

'Okay, that's okay. (Jay begins to leave.) Can you tell us your apartment number so that we won't go there?'

'4A'

'Okay, thanks!' (Man immediately begins buzzing apartments to be let in.)

It was only after I had walked hurriedly to the bus that I realized I had just told two men who were clearly not real salesmen my apartment number and made it obvious that I was not currently inside it. And in actuality, no one was. So I spent the bus ride to the west side stressing out, convinced that we were going to be robbed, and it would be ENTIRELY my fault. It didn't help that I was sitting next to the most neurotic girl ever. She was talking on the phone, and, when she wasn't looking nervously around, she kept her chin literally down to her chest, and she would say things like, 'I'm going to hang up soon, I really don't like talking on the bus.' or 'I don't really go out in New York, I get really nervous someone might see me.' or 'I'm going to quite my job because I'm so bored. I literally lay there all night awake because I'm so bored.' She was quite serious about all of these statements. Anyway, we weren't robbed, though Julie's initial text was: 'Nothing is missing EXCEPT AMY.' Thankfully, Amy returned later that night, having not been stolen away by the fake salesmen after all.

Of course that's a normal day compared to the evening I was riding the train and this man came on begging for money; he began in the usual manner, albeit very loudly, asking people to donate out of goodness. Then he progressed to getting in people's faces, telling them to have a heart, and being unbelieving at their unwillingness to share their money. Then he proceeded to telling us we were lucky he didn't have a gun pointed in our faces; he bet we would give up some money then. Luckily, he got off at the next stop. If he hadn't, I would have made a run for it.

But don't let me convince you NYC's all danger and no fun. I've been having a marvelous time lately. I love the cast of my show, and feel like I've made some real friends. The other night I went and saw my friend Steve's band Live Nudes (A pun. Everyone relax.) play at this bar in Brooklyn, and they ROCKED! That guitarist can shred! Everybody should check 'em out on Fbook. It was a fantastic way to spend a Friday night, let me tell you. And even just hanging out in people's apartments; I am probably the most appreciative apartment-hanger-outer there ever was. I love getting to know people. I love getting to realize I've made a new friend.

Of course, making new friends comes with some other stuff attached; at least for me. When I open myself up, I open myself up pretty completely. It's been a realization about myself that's become clear again with this new batch of friendships. I'm not that normal of a person. Opening myself up to friendships scares me a little. I'm allowing myself the possibility of not being in total control. But I think I'm getting better. Just another thing I have to be thankful to The Wedding Plan for.

Oh, The Wedding Plan. I'm so grateful for this opportunity, and I want so much to be perfect in it. That has not been coming so naturally lately. Our first run-through felt really rough to me. So I put in the time this weekend to really get back in the script, front to back. And I went to second run-through, and I put my heart into it, and people laughed, and I enjoyed it, and felt so good.... And then in notes, the director had much less than positive things to say about it. Not about the show in general... about me. I don't really know what a proper analogy is; when an actor feels really good about what they've been doing on stage (or film), and then is told by the person in charge that it's not good... It really throws you for a loop. Suddenly, nothing is certain. Does everybody think I'm bad? Have I been deluding myself that I was doing well? Have I been deluding myself that I can act at all? Does anybody even like me? I think I'm worse about this than most, but who knows? All I know is that being told so unexpectedly that what I was doing wasn't satisfactory was pretty much gut-wrenching. I walked to the subway by myself, and my eyes were slightly less than dry.

But it means I have to work harder. I have to be better. This kind of thing only reassures me that I'm doing what I'm meant to do. Because the entire ride home and the rest of the day, the deep-rooted desire to share my soul, and entertain, and move people just burned and burned inside of me. And perhaps these thoughts that race through my head when things like this happen have been part of what's shaped me into the determined person I am today. Now I'm going to stop talking about this because I'm making myself, and no doubt you, uncomfortable.

Back to rehearsal again tomorrow. I'm nervous and scared. But I will not stop working at it. I will not stop opening myself up. I don't think I could. Anyway. That's what's been going on.

Shooting Movies on the Streets of NYC, No Big Deal

Today I agreed to film a scene for a short film by recommendation (I totally don't audition anymore). We were filming in Riverside Park (a lovely place, btw), and the last shot consisted of me walking up while talking on the phone, and then noticing two men fighting, getting scared, and turning and walking quickly the opposite direction. Obviously, there wasn't actually anyone fighting. I was, ya know, acting. Well I did it like a pro, but one passerby woman with her dog became quite concerned about what I was seeing that she wasn't- I was clearly quite disturbed by the vacant meadow in front of me. Eventually she noticed the guy filming and figured it out... and then shuffled sheepishly away. It was rather hilarious.

My AADA classmates all graduated last week. Gotta say, I feel a bit like a proud uncle or something; that is a talented bunch of people. They're all embarking on the tumultuous journey of being an actor in NYC. Good luck, my friends. Somehow I think you'll all be fabulous. It's funny the way life works, though, isn't it? The irony is not lost on me that pretty close to the same time my parents would have been coming to New York to watch me graduate had I stayed in school, they'll instead be coming to watch me perform in my first NYC production.

I've gotta say, it is still so great just to be working on a show. I have such a good feeling about this one. I love my cast, the director is so smart, and it all just feels like the place I'm supposed to be. That is such a great feeling to have. Meanwhile, I'm still filming the short film with Boy Wonder Ben Konigsberg; there's beginning to be a joke that those of us who signed on for this movie will have work every Saturday for the next two years. I think we'll be finishing it all up this Friday. But who knows? I will keep acting for that kid as along as he will let me.

For some reason, despite my ever-dwindling bank account, I can't seem to make myself start working part-time. Chalk it up to a delightful mix of wanting to avoid stress, wishing I could just be an actor and that's all, and, of course, that old reliable laziness. I think I will probably get on the whole unemployment thing tomorrow (like I haven't told myself that a hundred times before).

Life is good. I'm doing what I love, I'm having more of a life than I've had in like a year (a true miracle for me), and I'm greeting everything with an attitude based on love; life is lovable. There is a beauty to life if you will let yourself see it, even in the hardest of times, even when you've been 'done wrong'. I'm speaking from personal (even recent) experience. Move on. Keep going. Learn from it, and love it. I'll end with this quote, which I've liked for a very long time from Virginia Woolf: "To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is... at last, to love it for what it is. And then to put it away."

Feeling like a real actor

Well. It's been quite awhile since I wrote anything on here. I doubt anyone is still reading, but I'm feeling a need to share (and, I'll admit, brag). So here it goes.

Quite a bit has changed. I returned to NYC from Christmas refreshed and determined. And gone were the days of sitting around in pajamas, watching all the wonders Hulu could offer, pretending to think about doing something productive. If I've learned one thing this past year it's that idleness is the root of discontent; get up, get dressed, and do something. I took classes- on-camera acting, some dance (though I gotta admit I slacked off on that front pathetically quick), and continued voice. Was I spending money out the wazoo? Perhaps. But I was happier than I'd been in months. And somehow that translated into more audition appointments than I'd ever gotten.

Was I landing those auditions? Nope. But I kept chugging.

Still. It ain't easy getting told no (or better yet, getting told nothing) over and over again. It begins to weigh on you, no matter how active you force yourself to be. And after three appointments in a row for which you especially prepared and were excited, and then get told 'That's all we need' before you even finish your material... Well, let's just say the depressed actor texts were beginning to be sent to Mom again.

And then I walked into the Richmond Shepherd theater to audition for The Wedding Play. From the first moment it seemed special. I started to read the sides they'd sent me, and then was cut off halfway through, 'Well crap, he hates me.' racing through my brain. But instead I heard: "I really love what you're doing, but I honestly think you're more right for the lead."

"You know," I said, "I actually thought the same thing." Big laughs from that one.

So I went back out and looked over the sides for the lead. I went back in, read, and walked out feeling better about an audition than I had since my very first. Three callbacks later, I had the part.

Not long after I jetsetted off to Puerto Rico with my family and spent a blissful week on the beach. It is remarkable how refreshing a week out of NYC can be. I returned back in time to do a short film by a young kid named Ben Konigsberg- He's fifteen. He's also amazing. Really. He understands how to make movies, how to talk to actors, and his script was retardedly ambitious- and he lived up to that ambition! Was a bit intimidating for newbie like me; I learned alot this past weekend. And I have no doubt that I worked with someone who WILL be a professional director one day.

And then I went to the first rehearsal of my play, rejoiced over my awesome cast and director. I think it's gonna be really funny. I can't wait to keep working on it. I've really felt like a real actor for the first time this weekend.

Life is good. God is good. I'm humbled, and determined to give it my all. I guess I did learn another thing this past year: Keep on believing.