Working, Emoting, Striving (and, obviously, Writing)

I recently got asked for the link to my blog by a customer at work and realized I hadn't written anything in over a month. But I'm already getting ahead of myself.

I got the job at David's Tea! It's turned out to be just as delightful of a company as I imagined it to be. I love my manager, I love the people I work with (Most of them. Life is not perfect, you know.), and I love getting paid. My manager has told me more than once that people compliment me personally to him frequently, and I truly love that, especially because for the first several weeks I honestly had no idea what I was talking about. Natural-born salesman right here, folks! You get an incredibly wide variety of people in a tea shop in NYC, but perhaps I'll go into some specific David's Tea experiences another time.

I've had several very unique experiences lately. I went and had a 'trial run' as a personal assistant for a family in the village. They live in a truly gorgeous four-story townhouse with a friggin' backyard. I walked the dog, cleaned up the boys' bedrooms (despite their insistence it wasn't necessary as their mother insisted it was), did laundry, and shopped for and cooked dinner. Let's just say my mother got several texts that evening desperately seeking advice. She came through, as always. I haven't heard back from them yet, so I don't know if there will be a return adventure to the land of the much-richer-than-me. Ya never know, though.

On the performing front, I landed a gig in a cabaret without ever opening my mouth. I applied for something called Cranky Cabaret, where they only perform 'good and pissed off' songs. Going for broke, I sent them an 'angry' and apathetic email, with only the last line saying 'I hope this wasn't too much. I'd really like to be involved.' The next day I got a call saying it was the funniest response they'd ever gotten and they wanted me in the show whether I could sing or not. I guess Go Big or Go Home really works sometimes. Getting to the first rehearsal was an experience in and of itself. We'd gone to a pumpkin patch out on Long Island (a truly fantastic day), and I'd come home still unsure what I wanted to sing. I bought sheet music online for several options, then remembered my printer was dead. By this time I was already running late. So I rushed to Staples, and the music wouldn't print there either. The woman said their computers didn't have the right program. So I got on the train and just headed to the rehearsal (in Brooklyn) with only one song. Halfway there I realized I didn't even have a copy of the one song I had, which was half the point of this rehearsal- to give a copy to the accompanist. So I sprinted out of the subway and ran to a different Staples and copied the music. By the time I got to the apartment where they were rehearsing, I'd completely missed my slot and they'd already started the general information meeting. Praise the God, the two producers were incredibly laid back. They completely understood and I didn't even get chided. Other than that, I went on two auditions tonight (the first auditions I've gone to in weeks), both of which went well, one of which I think something might really come of. Now for the waiting.

Besides all of that... I guess you could say I'm a bit of a mess. But then again, am I ever not? I think being a mess is part of life, especially 20-something life (Yes, I am 21 years old now. Heaven help us). My emotions swing drastically from one end of the spectrum to the other at times. Not that long ago, I tried to go the Performing Arts Library at Lincoln Center all the way across town, and was in a fantastic mood, jamming to my ipod with the crisp fall air nipping at my nose. Then the library was closed. I tried to make use of being in that part of town by shopping for jeans, and I couldn't find a dang thing (I really hate shopping). I rode the bus back and was walking home thinking about how much of a mess my life was and how things just really weren't working out. Then I ran into an old friend and he asked if I'd lost weight and said it looked good on me. I walked away grinning and thinking how much I loved life. None of those emotions I just listed are exagerrated at all. That's three drastic mood swings in one afternoon. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. A couple days ago I went to see some friends of mine from school in their newest Company play (Company is third year at AADA, where you just do shows.). They were phenomenal. I couldn't help but sit in the audience thinking, 'That could have been me.' And then afterward when the cast and other school folk went out I tried to tag along, but I really just felt out of place. I chose differently than they did. I left there feeling strange and somewhat uneasy. Sometimes I think back and question all the decisions I've made, ponder all the 'what ifs'. It's not enjoyable.

But you know, that's the life of the artist. I feel my emotions in such enormous ways, and I believe that is what allows me to perform. At least that's what I like to tell myself. If I hadn't experienced that I wouldn't have been moved to write about it on here. It also reminded me again of how badly I want to succeed, and how much more I need to push myself.

And I have been doing better lately about seeing the good. Yesterday I stomped thru a blizzard to the subway with my umbrella blowing away and my feet drenched and slipping and sliding all over the place, and I loved every second of it. Tonight I went back to the Performing Arts Library, and Lincoln Center was all lit up at night with the fountain going and people arriving for the opera in their tuxes and gowns and the winter wind gusting through the square, and Don't Rain On My Parade playing on my ipod. I mean, can you get any more New York than that? It was beautiful.

I recently read the blog of a friend of mine, Jason Spina (http://theresalotonmymind.wordpress.com/), and he decided from the start that he didn't want to write a blog just about himself. He didn't pride himself that the inner workings of his mind were of that much interest or importance. I find that very admirable. Obviously, it's not a principle I hold myself to.

I think that's because, in the end, it's really all I have; that's really all I've ever had. My feelings, my thoughts, and my heart. It's all I have to give, and I want to give it all. I always have, I guess in hope that someone finds it dynamic, that it can affect someone, move them, entertain them. So I will continue to pour my heart out, in writing, acting, singing, speaking, dance, anything. Because it's all I know and all I have, and I want to share it. I have to give it.

Final Days

I have 3 days left in the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, including today. Tomorrow my first second-series (don't think too hard about it) exam play goes up. The final one will follow on Monday. Then I'll be leaving New York City for the summer a mere few days afterward. Crazy.

This is from some time ago, but it still inspires me every single time. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever; happened on national TV, at a mainstream, secular music event. Watch everyone's reactions. Gotta love country music. I hope one day I can be of use like this. I hope you enjoy it. Taken from yahoo.com, the video is at the bottom.

 

Carrie Underwood's 'How Great Thou Art' Moves The Masses

It's no surprise that country music fans were anticipating the TV special Girls Night Out: Superstar Women of Country, which was taped at the 2011 Academy of Country Music Awards weekend earlier this month and aired Friday night on CBS. However, it was a gospel song performed at the show that unexpectedly crossed all boundary lines and created a viral sensation over the weekend.
Carrie Underwood was just one of many huge names in the allstar lineup, but her duet with Vince Gill of the classic standard "How Great Thou Art" managed to bring down the entire house--and internet, at that. According to Yahoo! data, searches for Underwood's rendition of the tune spiked a whopping 362% on Saturday.
If that weren't enough, the video of the performance has received nearly a million views, and has drawn extraordinarily high praise--with comments ranging from "Wow! God was in the house," "I am not a Christian but this is truly beautiful," "She is an angel" to "This is the most moving version of that song I have ever heard," "She rocks 'em and socks 'em," "I'm speechless."
One user even went where most dare not tread, and compared Underwood to the King himself--"I thought that nobody could come close to singing this song like Elvis did during his concerts. I was wrong, Carrie put her heart and soul into this amazing version!"

Underwood and Gill's fellow stars in the audience appeared moved by the performance, as well. Martina McBride stares transfixed at the stage, the ordinarily humorous Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert watch reverently, while Sugarland's Kristian Bush nods his head and Jennifer Nettles mouths "What a voice."
After hitting the final, climactic notes, Underwood wrapped the powerful performance up with a hug for Gill. Then, she wiped away a few tears...and faced a standing ovation from her peers. How great, indeed.

Successful Weekend!

Okay. Last October, me and my friends Alex, Jake, and Kyra happened to be in Madison Square Park at around 11 in the morning checking out the Shake Shack. As is usual with that park in the fall months there was some kind of music festival going on, and as we sat down a little band took the stage called Tim and the Space Cadets, singing fantastically cool kids rock songs like Superhero and The Greatest Party Ever. We instantly became the group's biggest fans, heading backstage like stalkers and making our way to lead singer Tim. Six months and several Facebook requests later, today we found ourselves at Kindiefest in Brooklyn catching the Space Cadets once again. Before we knew what was happening, we had T-shirts and CDs, were chilling with Tim and friends, pulling roadie duty and helping load up the merch, and heading out to eat with pretty much the coolest band ever.

It turned into a pretty awesome afternoon, folks. These guys are rockin', and Jake, Alex, and I were definitely starstruck, flipping out, and every other version of excited. Tim is legitimately our hero, and now we don't have to feel like creepy stalkers when we say that- We know that guy! If you wanna check out the band you can go here: http://www.timandthespacecadets.com/. I recommend 'em, yo.

Yesterday evening was spent at Coney Island with friends, and all I can say about that is LOVE. Between frisbee wars, volleyball, picture-taking frenzies, and eating dinner at McDonalds like true Americans, I had one of the most wonderful nights in a long time.

One half of my first series of Exam Plays at school is done; I performed in Bury the Dead on Friday. It's such strange work, acting. When you're performing, it's difficult to ever know whether you're doing well or not. I'm guessing this is particularly true of deeply emotional roles, which Bury the Dead certainly was (Dead soldiers rising out of the grave, refusing to be buried despite begging by the significant women in their lives. Ya, it's heavy.) The compliments I received from friends and faculty afterward were probably the most humbling experience I've gone through in awhile. Tomorrow is the final performance of my second show, The Shadow Box, and then it's on to two new plays! I can't believe this school year will be over in just a few weeks. That's crazy.

Day by day, I try to stay strong. It's not easy; it still hurts. I still don't really understand. But I guess I don't have to. Days like these, moments of wonder, joy... I'm grateful for those. The rest I'll try to let go and let Him take care of.

Hope

Since returning to New York City and my dear American Academy of Dramatic Arts, I have handed out granola bars and bible verses to the homeless, drugged-out inhabitants of Union Square Park (I made quite a few friends!), ran four avenues to the subway at 1 in the morning in the pouring rain after a movie, pretended with my friend Vivian to be a young couple looking for a new bed and thoroughly testing each mattress at the mattress store, and been trapped between a stroller and a wheelchair on the subway as the train was coming to my stop (Who do you awkwardly ask to move?). I've also had quite a success story with the sisters- We have continued to run into this one particular guy from our building, finally me introducing myself, but we've failed to ever learn his number or which apartment he lives in. Therefore we attached a note to our door saying we would like to go bowling soon and would like him to join, and we received a note back saying that sounded delightful and giving us a phone number. The Addisons will prevail in our efforts to turn NYC into a charming Southern town!

I've also reconciled with a friend, worked on an exercise in class where you grab hands with your partner (only after you feel a connection!) and then release back saying either 'yes' or 'no', creating a tug-of-war type activity between two people shouting the same words to each other over and over again. And I had a breakdown in rehearsal as we talked about how we could define loss in our own lives. But most of that is just normal AADA. We've been working on Exam Plays since I've been back, and I've got to say it is refreshing to be working on an actual show again.

I've also just realized that I haven't had ice cream since I've been back in the city, which is quite something in and of itself.

It hasn't been the easiest of times. I've been to the very edge of darkness and back (pardon the cliche), experiencing for the first time in my own life what could only be called spiritual warfare. It's been a fight. But it's getting better. And most of that comes from making a simple choice- to believe and have faith. My entire life really, but particularly for the last two years, I have lived with the belief that I was created for a reason, that I had a divine purpose, and that the life I was living was taken step by step with God. To go through a period of having to question whether any of that was real or not... it's not fun. And when my faith stopped making sense, everything stopped making sense. To wonder whether there was actually a greater meaning...

I began to realize that either I had my faith and I chose to put my trust in it again, or I had nothing. And nothingness seemed like an awful scary thing to face. So I prayed. I went to the word. I told God that if He was real and if He cared, He was going to have to show me.

Did he? Not exactly... at least not in some world-shaking, Hallelujah Chorus way. It was a bit more subtle than that. He caused me to look at his word in a deeper way than I had before. He caused me to reopen my little book of verses I'd just happened to start keeping this year, and he began to reveal himself again:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."- James 1:2-3

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."- Isaiah 40:31

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in Heaven but you? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."- Psalm 73:23-26

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9

And it began to get better. I began to have peace again. I realized that it is much better to believe.

Now, I'm realistic (God help us all, Jay's become a realist!). I know that bad days have come during this time too, and there will be more. Some days I still wake up and nothing is right: I'm too ugly, I have no talent, nobody really likes or respects me, I'm all alone, it doesn't make sense, it's not fair, I got cheated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Today itself threatened to be one of those days. But at a certain point I just refused to give myself over to it, and I think that's going to be my new goal for each of those days. Take a deep breath and find the good. If I can't, put on a happy face anyway. This world is not worth facing alone. So I have to believe. If that makes me an foolish, weak in your eyes... honestly, I couldn't care less what you think.

I'm making a new playlist on my ipod, and giving it a new name: Hope.

Perfect Moments

A couple days before the end of this semester I shared a moment in class with two of my section-mates of sheer, unadulerated joy. It wasn't anything amazing; we were talking about a certain Acting teacher of ours, and made a small joke that completely overtook all three of us in laughter. To someone on the outside, the joke probably wouldn't even be that funny. It was one of those moments where everything just happened to be right, where all tension was forgotten and we just laughed. It was one of the best moments of my week. Don't those moments just make it all worth it? They don't come all the time, but the stressful or difficult times make the perfect moments all the more meaningful. Today was one of those days, too.

A second semester of classes has come to an end for me at AADA- I'm sorry to see it go. This semester has challenged me, changed me, moved me in ways I never expected. I've learned so much, gained so much, experienced so much, and gotten to know some fantastic people. And without tooting my own horn, I was able to finish off the semester (particularly the last week) very proud of myself. When I go back next week, I'll be in Exam Plays: four productions to demonstrate your application of training in General American, Movement, Acting, etc. It'll be totally different again. And I can't wait.

A lovely week was spent with little brothers Ben and Sam, culminating (for me) in a KICK-AWESOME Broadway show, Memphis, the Central Park Zoo, and an evening trip to a deserted, haunting, and very cold Coney Island- It was actually one of my favorite things I've done since moving to the city. We wandered the empty beaches and gathered the coolest pieces of glass we could find (it's about as common as the sand).

Now I'm home, seeing amazing people and staying with the incomparable Liz and Sarah Joblin. There's no place like home is perhaps the most true statement ever made.

PS: I'm going to start doing an email notification every time I blog- Anyone interested in that leave your email for me. :)

Two Adventures

Oh it's been a craaazy time. School is rushing by me- I was informed by someone today that there are only 17 school days left of this term. That's INSANE. Where has the time gone? I've certainly learned enough. Notebooks full of fantastic exercises, tips, techniques, approaches... I am truly thankful for the experiences I've had this semester. I've been challenged, changed, bettered. And still a month  to go!

The staff certainly seems aware that time is running out. My calendar has never been so full in my entire life; pathetically it's all school assignments. Oh well. I guess I asked for it.

Meanwhile there have been many crazy adventures to contend with outside of  my institution of learning as well. Recently, Amy, Julie, and I strolled out of the apartment and just as the door slammed shut I decided to ask, "You've got the keys, haven't you?". They hadn't, and the door had now locked automatically. It was Saturday and our Super doesn't answer calls on weekends. We went on with our lunch plans (locked out of an apartment is no reason to not eat), and after much deliberation decided there was a simple solution: Knock on the door of someone living above us (none of whom we've met) and ask if i can climb through their window and shimmy down the fire escape into Julie's window. I tentatively knocked on the door of the apartment above us. When it opened, my request was immediately granted by three 20-something dudes: "Sure! No problem! This isn't the first time!" (Which begs the question: Who ELSE have they let climb down the fire escape into apartments??). The endeavor was a total kick-awesome success, of which I'm very proud, and I managed to get invited to a party in the process. Chyeah!

Today I went to Madison Square Park with two friends during our break. It was just a random decision, but it turned out to be THE BEST decision of the day: We sat down in the middle of the park, and not ten minutes later a man set up right in front of us with a big bucket of suds and a homemade wand; he was blowing giant bubbles! It was amazing, and the three of us watched and clapped and cheered as he showed off his bubble-making skills- I think we were more excited than the many 5-year-olds gathered to watch. After awhile he asked the most wonderful question I've ever heard: "Is there anyone who'd like to try?" Our hands shot into the air so fast we had no choice but to leap up after them. I know I sound a little ridiculous, but really. It's the little things. Magic moments. Those are the things that keep you sane, make your life a happy experience. It's something I've always believed in: You can look all around you and find wonderful experiences, amazing little things to see that can brighten your whole day. I think things like that are miracles.

There's much more to tell, not enough time. I have an 11 hour day at school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. An ELEVEN HOUR DAY. With that, I bid you all goodnight. I will write again soon. :)

February 23, 2011

Let's just be real: I lead a bizarre life. If you want to experience the highs and lows of emotion, really send yourself for a trip and a half, enroll in a drama school and devote yourself to the work. Take my word for it; it makes for an intense, volatile, exhausting, and challenging lifestyle. It can be both incredibly fulfilling and awfully upsetting- often in the same day.

Take today for example. Starting bright and early at 9 a.m. I had Vocal Production class, the final presentation of our duets. I felt me and my partner did well. The singing was good, our movement was effective, and the teacher complimented us. But then everybody else started going. And several of them did so well, and were so much more amusing. Already my mind is rushing through all the yucky, gloomy thoughts I take myself through: I'm not as entertaining as these other people, nobody here thinks I'm very good, I never get as good of songs as the others... all that crappy jazz. Then it came time to record the accompianment for our 16 bar audition pieces, and when we got to the one I was assigned it sounded nice and pretty. Exactly the kind of thing I didn't want to do anymore. It didn't help that I was ill-prepared. I had forgotten all about the audition pieces, so I hadn't listened to mine or taken the time to think of an alternative. By the time that class was over, I wanted nothing more than to get out of that school.

Thankfully, in yet another example of divine planning, I had a three hour break. And I walked to the subway with my friend Lauren who knew all the right things to say to make me put my attitude back in perspective. And I went home and had lunch and finished up my paper for Movement class and chilled. And I returned to school with fresh determination. Story of my life. And you know what? From that point on I had a pretty flippin' fantastic day. My classes went great (despite the fact that I left my laptop at home with the video for my Movement report on it!); I got placed front and center for my group number, really quite an accomplishment for someone who'd never taken a step of dance before, and one that I am particularly proud of. And then Greek scenework came, and my partner and I worked deeper and stronger than I think I have my entire time at school so far; we did a lot of really great work. I personally took huge steps toward releasing the emotion held in my jaw, physicalizing what I was saying, and fully inhabiting my body, three things I've needed to work on my entire life. And it was upsetting, and emotionally draining, and difficult- but it felt so satisfying afterward.

After classes, I stayed to watch the AADA Company Showcase- Company is the 'third year students' who do nothing but productions all year, and then present a final showcase. It was fine. The Company members who are always good, did very good in their individual showcase scenes, their technique and performances wonderful and their speech truly great. Others not as much. Leaving the school afterward, I stopped to talk to Jackie, my Acting teacher. I expressed these same thoughts on the Showcase to her, and she agreed. Those who are always good, continued to be good. They worked, they devoted, and they were believable and resonant in their work. We wonder why she pushes us to work, challenges us to do more- that's why. Because some people can be always good, if they will do the work. I was with another friend talking to her, but the whole time she said this, she looked right at me. And then she put up her hand to give me a small high five. And as silly as that little exchange may sound, it meant the world to me. She believes in me. She believes I can be one of those people.

I have been blessed with enough experience and natural ability that I can wing the work we do in classes and still do well. And I'm man enough to admit that, for the most part, that's what I've mostly been doing. I do give it my all as much as I can every day in class, but outside of class my devotion to what I do is lacking. It's an interesting term, devotion; I've been coming to realize more and more what an appropriate word it is for the hard-working actor. The performers who are always good, who are captivating and transcendent, they give themselves over completely to the work. For many actors, what they do is their whole lives. We talked about similar things in Styles today. Acting is a fascinating craft because you are in control of the emotions you pick to work on, but then you pick the strongest ones and you let them control you. You give yourself over to it.

It scares me a little bit sometimes. But I'm ready to move more towards real dedication to my craft, starting by implementing a requirement of at least one significant daily activity outside of school to help develop my work. 

And yet there is one more equally important, essential part of being a solid performer: Living. If we do not live, we do not experience. We do not go through things that move us, give us emotion, and feed our person. If we do not live, we cannot express. Life is moving, fun, complicated, challenging, beautiful. I fully believe that too. It can be just as beneficial as intense moment-to-moment scenework to spend a perfect night out with a good friend, eating and laughing and acting a fool, to experience the real emotions of life, and then to walk home as a light snow begins to fall. Thankfully, there's no short supply of such magic nights in New York City.

S.A.D.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, folks. It's the real deal. People may try to chalk it up to an urban myth or weakling city people explaining their issues (partially true, I'll admit), but take it from Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky himself: winter in the city can get you down. Wikipedia defines it this way: "also known as winter depression or winter blues, a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptons in the winter." I've seen it displayed all around me, people breaking down every other day at school. Heck, I even had a breakdown of my own the other day, just chattin' with my Acting teacher. I've spent the last couple of weeks dreaming about summer by the lake, or beachside vacations in Aruba (those dang advertisements in the subway are taunting me!)

Yet something awesome happened today. The sun came out. It was warm! People were shedding their jackets, smiles were all around- a stroll through the park seemed unavoidable. So my friend, Lauren and I did just that. All around the snow was beginning to melt away, running in little rivers through the park, washing away all that cold and wet to make room for the warm and breezy. Really. It was cool.

And kinda metaphorical, you gotta admit. I mean come on- it's just begging to be used as a metaphor! So here you go: Sometimes it is cold. Sometimes it's grey and cloudy and it seems like it will go on forever. But it won't. The sun will always come back out! And it will be that much more kick-awesome when it does.

However here's a slightly-less cliche response: S.A.D. or any other kind of mood disorder may get ahold of you. And it may be tough to shake. Sometimes it will probably get the better of you. But you can still always choose to be stronger than it every day. Look at what you've got to be thankful for. Count to ten every time you get upset, breathing deeply (AADA will be proud of your proper breath!). Do something- recently Julie and I joined a Growth Group with a church here and got to spend Saturday morning helping give a good meal to people in the city who needed it. It was awesome! And I would challenge you to feel sorry for yourself for a single minute while you're giving meals to the people of this city. More times than not, your 'disorder' will have to give in to the power of positivity.

Will it always be easy, something you can shrug off? Heck no. Trust me. It's tough sometimes. I know. But then the sun will come back out. (I can't help it. I love those cliche metaphors.) :)

Strength Like a Fire

This semester we have a class called Mask that I find completely fascinating. However, almost every single week when I'm in there I catch myself thinking, "If someone from home walked in right now..." I won't deny it's one of the stranger courses AADA has to offer, and that's saying something. The basic idea is this: You cover your face with a neutral mask and therefore have to express all of your emotion through your body. Every week we have a new scenario of some kind that we go through as a group, then individually go through it while wearing the mask. An example scenario:

You're in a beautiful, lush, pillared courtyard. There's flowers and trees and a little pond. The ceiling is glass and the walls are open. Beyond the courtyard is a dense forest. Beyond the forest are mountains. Beyond the mountains, out of sight, is the ocean. Suddenly, a bird flies into the courtyard. It flies back and forth, from one end to the other, then right in front of you it stops and falls to the ground, dead. You kneel down to pick it up in your hands. But as you're holding it, it comes back to life and flies away!

Last week we did something a little different- We embodied each of the four elements, air, fire, water, and earth. We did it first as a group with our eyes closed. But then, of course, she made us get up an embody one of the elements as a mask solo. Worse, she informed us that this time, everybody else in the room was there. We could see them, and they could see us. I was pretty much petrified. In the group work, I had found the exercise fascinating and incredibly freeing. But to do it in front of everyone... and I knew which element I had to do, the one I most easily connected with, the most deep-rooted and personal one: Fire.

It's not surprising that Fire would speak to me. Deep inside of me, in my core there is a fire always burning. It's the most personal, most primal part of me, a part that does often get pushed aside or dampened (pardon the pun) because I'm shy or uncomfortable. However, it's the part of me that never allows myself to give up; this unextinguishable strength. And that's what great acting is all about, at least in part; sharing with people the deepest, most personal part of ourselves in performance. Because when you do that as an actor, people feel it. It's a tangible thing. And they can't take their eyes off of the work because it is so truthful. That's what I want to do. But it's still a little scary sometimes.

Life is not a cakewalk. This semester has seen both highs and lows of my New York Experience- I've been learning more than I ever expected to at school, but I've also had days where I really felt like there was really no one in this school who cared about me at all. Sometimes I spend entire days feeling progressively worse and worse convincing myself that no one likes me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I learned the falseness of that some time ago, though. There was a moment when I was traveling through Central America with my family that I realized something incredible: God created me. He CREATED ME. And he don't make no accidents. What's more, I have a literal worry-free guarantee: God's promised to take care of me, and he hasn't let me down yet. He will take me where I need to go. I may have no idea how important everything I'm going through will be to me in the future- but I know there's reason behind it all. And that's encouraging; heck, that's empowering! And it makes me feel all warm and toasty inside (which is an especially nice bonus considering how cold it is!).

Now don't get confused here: We can't just hand everything over to Big G.O.D. and expect him to take care of it with no effort from us. He will take care of everything, but we have to do our part. It's a relationship, folks. That implies two sides, and there has to be two sides for your life to become the wonderful thing it can be. This is something I've had to confront myself with recently. I think being so blessed had lulled me into a bit of  complacency. That no work. But I'm working on fixing it.

I know that He's given me a dream. I know that this is where He wants me to be right now. I don't know where this career will lead me, I don't even know the next step, but I know this is where I'm supposed to be. So I gave it my all. I came out from behind that partition and let the Fire consume me. It was pretty intense for me, and I guess it came across. For almost all the others, there had been that awkward laughter of people feeling foolish- nobody laughed this time. It took me the rest of the class to shake it off, part of which included me having to put my head down and cry. The teacher had that now-familiar phrase as advice: Almost. One step more and it would have been very powerful.

I think I've heard that enough. It's all too easy to think who am I to be something incredible, but really... who am I not to be? I think it's time to take that last step. It's time to let the strength in me take over, consume me, flow from me.

Like a Fire.

WE SET THE SCHOOL ON FIRE!!

I would like to start off by saying this to all of you Texas folk: Suck it up! It's cold every single day here, and lately it hasn't even been snowing. Just ice. And rain. Yuck. You guys are at least having snow days! My school never cancels for anything! And as proof I offer this story:

On Monday, I left for  my three hour break and went to pick up some things in midtown with Julie. As I was heading back to school, I kept noticing fire truck after fire truck rushing by and I thought to myself, "Oh gee. I wonder what's on fire? I hope it's not close to my school." No, it wasn't close to my school. It WAS MY SCHOOL! By the time I arrived everyone had been evacuated and throngs of young actors and actresses crowded the sidewalks. There were lots of apologies by students for being so hot that they started a fire. I caught a glimpse of my Acting Teacher, Jacqueline Solotar, crying as she watched the firemen break out the windows.

Turns out the fire was only in the basement, so the school was actually fine. So, naturally, as the firemen started clearing out they herded us all back in for class. A mere hour after we'd been evacuated. For a fire. Hey, the show must go on, right?

Once we were back in the building, the melodrama began to overflow from all of my peers. At least half of them were suffocating from the lack of air and having Oscar-worthy near-death scenes. Meanwhile, Acting Teacher Jackie's yelling at me and my partner to get set up for our scene and telling everyone what big babies they are for wanting to go home. So set up we did. And, of course, as soon as we did, the fire marshall got hold of the fact that the students had been let back into a building that had been on fire less than an hour ago, and we were all evacuated once more, this time for the rest of the day.

So you can't really blame AADA for the show not going on. If it had been up to them, we would have been in school, thank you very much. Just the fire marshall. He clearly never went to acting school.

I am blessed, and it is cold. These two things I know to be true. The rest I'll take one day at a time.

A Work in Progress

What can I tell you? School is amazing as of late. Literally every day, every class there is something to be learned, some way to benefit. It has changed from last semester. There's a lot more to do in every class (an overwhelming amount of work sometimes), from improvs to sketch comedy to choreography assignments to transcription exercises, but more than that it has to do with a simple truth: If you devote yourself to something, you will benefit. It took me awhile to realize that last semester, but this semester I returned to school knowing without a doubt that I was there for one purpose: to learn. And learn I have. It's incredible how much the past three weeks of school has benefited me. The other side of that, however, is that I'm 'bout spent at the end of each day. Believe it or not, it takes a lot out of you to give yourself over to performance, even just class exercises. It's all worth it, though; I can feel myself improving and it's an amazing feeling.

I would be remiss if I didn't admit that being so focused took some of my focus away from that other part of my life I work so hard at: my optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and kindness to others mantra. The past three weeks have been a wake up call to me in that aspect. Rather than noticing a good attitude about me, people began to notice a somewhat judgemental attitude, and an occasionally less-than-joyous mood. It's the state I most naturally fall back into, but it's the state that I refuse to be snared by. It hurts me when I hear those things from people- I want people to notice a light about me, a peace that can be explained by nothing besides God. JJ Moore used to tell a story about a young boy sitting in Sunday School listening to the teacher talk about God being inside of you. He raised his hand: "Teacher, isn't God huge? If he's inside of us, won't he poke out all over?"

I sure hope so. I pray that he would fill me up and poke out all over.

I'm working on it, forever. Haha. I can't be perfectly good every day, and every day can't be perfectly good. But I can have peace every day. And every day I can try to reflect that peace as best as I can. Living with family again has made it glaringly obvious how much they put up with from me, attitude-wise. Attempting to be perky each day in public has turned me into someone with the bad habit of letting my family always see my worst side. They don't deserve that. They deserve better than the public gets. Recognizing my laziness attitude-wise with Amy and Julie has been a tough thing to come to terms with. But I am. And I'm working on it. Because not only does my family deserve it, so does the One who made me.

Laziness. That word has a lot of resonance with me lately. In Acting last week, I had to do another phone call exercise (I think I explained those earlier? Important phone call, important task in room, somewhere to go urgently.), and I blew it off until the morning before class. When I got to class I had an idea to go with: Mom had called and left a message on my phone that my dog had run away, and I was calling back and finding out they'd been found. But then out of nowhere came something else. Something similar to what I'd planned, but much stronger. My dogs hadn't gone missing. Sam had. My little brother. For over 10 hours. I was calling back and finding out he'd been found with a broken leg. Suddenly it was my turn to go. And I went. And it was pretty fantastic. The emotions were there, the technique was there, the honesty, the connection. It pretty well shocked my classmates. After I finished, the teacher followed me out into the hallway and took my face in her hands and said words I'll never forget: "James. Almost. Had you gone one more step, taken one more breath, it would have been amazing. Very good work." She went on to guess that I hadn't practiced. "You have got to get out of your own way. Your laziness is holding you back from expressing something truly amazing to us. I beg you. Don't be lazy. Get out of your own way."

And she's right, of course. This sentiment has been shared by almost every teacher: There's something very special inside of me. But I need to go one step further. Then there'd be something phenomenal. It's an encouraging thought, but it's also scary. What will that be if I go one step further? Where will it take me? It gives me chills thinking about it. But I've got to do it. It's what I was made for. I believe that.

We managed to maneuver a full-size couch and a ridiculously oversized TV into our 4th floor apartment with much difficulty and even more hilarity. Twice we employed the help of kind fellow tenants, once with nearly disastrous effects. But it's in now, baby! WE CONQUERED! And the mysterious long line of cops sitting outside our building has returned, making life truly complete once again.

Life is good. God is good. Always. It's not perfect. But it's a work in progress.

Getting Back to Blogging!

Okay, first good thing about my sisters being here: They're on my case about updating the blog- I've been getting lazy! It's certainly not from lack of delightful and bizarre New York occurrences. There have been plenty of those.

My sisters moved up here with me- I infected them with some of that New York City crazy! We've got a lovely little apartment right on the edge of Harlem, surrounded by the projects. We like it! Some of my friends have been a bit nervous to come up here. They'll come around though. I will say that for the first week we were here, a line of about sixteen cops pulled up across the street every night and just sat there, I guess just to remind everyone that law enforcement does in fact exist in Harlem. It was quite strange, and the sisters and I were quite tempted to run down and demand to know what they were doing. But we thought that might give off some unintended signals.

For those of you who don't know, cheaply furnishing an apartment in NYC is quite an experience. Especially if you live on the 4th floor of a walk-up. Although there are wonderful things to be had for free from people all over the city who no longer want them, the adventure begins once you confirm that you want that item of furniture and then must figure out how to move it from one side of the island to the other and up the stairs to your place. We experienced this quite vividly today. After confirming we wanted a free 36 inch TV, we rented a car for an hour to go fetch it. When Julie and I arrived, the first thing the guy said was, "I don't think you brought enough people." When we saw the TV, we understood. It was MASSIVE. The super-nice couple's son was there to help us down to the truck, but when we arrived at our apartment building's door, we were on our own. Naturally, Amy was not picking up her phone (picks the best times to jump in the shower, doesn't she?), so Julie and heaved, lunged, pushed, and pulled the huge thing through the initial doors so that it was in the first level hallway. Then Julie had to run off to return the rented car in time. For a moment I felt quite helpless, but then Amy came dashing down the stairs, a wide grin across her face. I felt helped- until we tried to lift the TV. It wasn't happening. So, we pushed it all the way down the hallway to the edge of the stairs, frequently moving out of the way of our sympathetic fellow tenants. At last we reached the stairs.

We lifted. It didn't move. We got it up one step. We tried to start again. It wasn't happening. A nice neighbor from some foreign country who knows where joined in the effort and he and I started up the suddenly incredibly steep stairs. The result was that I got five steps up before he'd stepped up the first, so my body was bent in half clutching this TV as this perfect stranger heaved with all his might. It dropped onto my foot and into the hands of Mr. Nice Neighbor and somehow we (literally) wrestled it back down to the ground floor, Amy laughing uncontrollably at the whole ordeal. After that we just kinda stared at the monster- What could be said? We'd been defeated.

Long story short, the TV is still sitting on the ground floor of our apartment. Schemes have been drawn and re-drawn as to how we can manage to get it up here, but... I think it may be a lost cause. Craigslist, here comes a big 36 inch!

School is more challenging than ever. The impersonation of Elvis was quite an experience; the idea behind the assignment was embodiment over impersonation (channeling, if you will), and,in a way that's really quite impossible to explain, I really got it. I wasn't impersonating Elvis, I was Elvis. We won't get too into that wierdo acting stuff, though. It's enough to say that my Elvis was good enough that it even excited the lesbians in my class. Speaking of Acting, in that class we had what I found to be a very fascinating assignment where we set up our bedroom in the classroom, came in from somewhere, had something we had to do in our room, had somewhere we had to go, and had an important, urgent phone call to make based on something from our real lives. I was one of the last to go, but I gotta say I was proud of how I did. I was a little nervous going into it because I decided from the get go that I was gonna give everything in Acting class my all this semester, and it was a personal exercise. But it paid off. I felt fulfilled, I expressed, I went to real places within myself. The teacher was pretty impressed too; she made an example out of my phone call as what to do for this exercise.

I'm a blessed boy, that's for sure. I've been given so much that I don't deserve; family, opportunity, gifts, friends, love. Salvation. Peace. Even when things aren't at their best, I'm never able to really let myself feel self-pity or despair for more than a minute. And I'll be honest, things haven't been their easiest lately. New things are always tough for me. I always feel like I have trouble befriending new people, becoming comfortable with people and circumstances, giving a good first impression. I'm really a pretty insecure fellow. So I hand it over to the big G-O-D and let him take over. And I trust he'll handle it perfectly. He always does. In the meantime I give my best effort each day to be as friendly, happy-go-lucky, and fun as I can be.

There's at least one big improvement over last semester: I come home every day to my sisters waiting at home for me. We find plenty of shenanigans to get into all on our own, whether it be random dance-offs in our still-empty living room or running to Times Square at midnight just for the heck of it. I would also like to take this space to share something really awesome: Elizabeth Victoria Joblin recently made the decision to leave her current schooling at SFA to spend this semester getting an Associate's degree at TVCC and next semester working and saving up. She did this so she would be able to spend the semester following living in a big city with me, both of us pursuing our dreams together. It's an incredibly brave thing, and flipping exciting. I can't wait to spend a year tearing up the entertainment industry with my best friend. :)

New Semester, New Apartment, New York

It's been a loooong time! I've finished a semester, gone home, and come back since last we met, dear blog! I guess life's been a little hectic lately. With the end of the first semester, I decided more than ever to devote myself completely to my schoolwork. That meant Final Scenes for Acting, Dance presentations for Movement, Written Exams (Yes, we do actually take those!), and so much more. It's hard to really explain I guess... Giving yourself over to performance work is tiring. Just day-to-day takes a lot out of you. Most people don't let themselves go through that much emotion on a daily basis. Lucky for me, it's what I love to do.

On top of all that I was apartment hunting via appointments set up for me by my sisters in Texas! I suppose it's time to come clean to everybody; I got swindled by my "broker" the first time around looking for an apartment. It wouldn't be such an embarrassing thing (It can always be viewed as a learning experience), except that I lost more than my pride: I lost $250 in the mix. Everybody sigh! But the sun will still come out! I continued to apartment hunt up until the very last minute (literally) before I flew home, eventually resulting in the night before my flight me and my friend Jake going to my new broker's office door at 2 in the morning and slipping applications and checks under her door in a sealed envelope. And then I had to start packing! But indeed I found a lovely three bedroom apartment for me and my two sisters to live in on 104th and 1st Ave. Yes... That is traditionally considered Harlem, but take a breath Grandma. I checked out the neighborhood. Only four homicides last year my cop ex-roommate says (That's a good number! Midtown has like 36!). I have been living there for a week and experienced nothing but being unnoticed by anyone around me. Except for one old guy who really wanted to be my friend when he saw me walking home with a big pizza for dinner.

Naturally, my first semester in New York City ended with me sprinting to my gate at JFK airport and almost missing my flight, and in the air becoming increasingly and increasingly more sick to the point that when I met my cousin Meredith picking me up she jumped when she heard me speak. On the flight, I made a new fan. My flight attendant (who was the best flight attendant in the world), greeted me as I entered the plane by asking what I did for work. Upon learning I was an actor and attending school she quickly informed that I needed to stick with it because I had a great demeanor and was going to make it. She continued to chat me up trhoughout the flight, offering genuinely thoughtful and encouraging advice, and then finished the ride home with a big armful of free snacks and a hug. It only occurred to me later that I should have told her about this blog- I need to start carrying cards!

Sickness or not, being home was amazing. A little weird at first, I won't lie; especially when it was almost 90 degrees the day after I got back to Texas. I have not experienced that kind of heat in awhile. I got to see my Kemp/Athens friends, housing provided by the amazing Joblin family. I left Kemp much too quickly, to be truthful. Of course, you know me. I can't really be disappointed with more time with family. I'm pretty much obsessed with my family. Still. Kemp will always be home for me, and I miss it.

After spending Christmas weekend at my Nana and Pops's house in Texas, the Addisons loaded all our stuff (and our dogs) into our faithful suburban and headed to Estes Park, Colorado. If Texas was hot, Estes was COLD. Man, I've never known such temperatures! -2 degrees most days at our house! It was bad enough staying mostly inside- Matt was out there skiing three of those days! Family Christmas was amazing! Santa Claus outdid himself this year, y'all. I don't know that I remember I more fun Christmas morning (and it didn't even happen on the real day!).

And then before I knew what was happening, it was time to fly home. In a rush, my bags were packed, my goodbyes were said, and I was on a plane. Both my flights were majorly delayed, yet before I had time to really think I was back in New York City wandering around the airport completely unaware of where I was supposed to be picking up my bag from. Every time I leave my family for New York it's hard, but it really hit me this time. It didn't really make sense to me that I would leave behind all of that love, all of that easy, comfortable living for day-to-day work, alone... Why would I do that?

It was somewhere between Minneappolis and NYC at about 30,000 feet in the air that I realized that it's because I wasn't made for a normal life. God made me different- that's for sure! He made me special, with a special, unique purpose. I believe that with all my heart. So even when it's a little uncomfortable, I give myself over to Him. I know He'll take me where I need to be. My openness has a limit, but I'll just say that if I can't believe that God can do miraculous things after some news I received over the break, then I have no faith at all. I mean, just looking around me at all the things I've been able to do in my life shows what God's capable of!

So, I'm back. I'm almost finished with the first week of Second Semester, and it's gonna kick my butt. There is  A LOT of work to be done this semester for every class. Tomorrow I will be impersonating Elvis Presley in my Styles class, reuniting with all my Section 7 buddies at Vivian's new apartment, and picking up my sisters from the airport. New York City daily rush is in full swing again!

There's just one more thing. Talking to people over the break who have been reading my blog, there was one main thing that stuck out to almost everyone who'd read it. They all spoke of it's optimistic, joyous tone; overflowing with happiness, as one put it. We all know that life on a daily basis is not the most wonderful, perfect, incredible experience ever. But that's what I write about. And it's no accident. The way I see it, there are two ways to look at life: up or down. Certainly, I could find things almost every day to be upset about. And I could worry about those things, write about them, let them affect me fully (this is what they LOOOVE at AADA). Or I could not bother with those things. I could see the other stuff. The daily things that fill me with contentment, whether it's as small as snow flake landing on my hand or as big as someone telling me that they love me, and meaning it.

I choose optimism. I choose contentment. I choose that half-full glass as many times as I possibly can. It's not always easy (or possible), but I have help from a pretty amazing, undying source. And if I can spread some of that optimism through this blog, then it's doing it's job. I hope your life is going wonderfully for you right now. And if your first thought is that it's not, take a moment, look around, and see if you can find something that can make it just a little brighter. I bet you a million dollars that you can.

That's all for now.

World-Changer

Sometimes I get restless. Despite the fact that I'm living in flippin' New York City, attending one of the best acting schools in the country, and am one of the most blessed people in the world- I still feel like there's more for me out there. I want to change the world. I've known this almost my entire life- I've felt that there was something very special planned for me for as long as I can remember. But I still get scared; I don't know if I'm really anything special at all sometimes. Who am I to think I could be of relevance to this world?

Yet I can't shake that feeling (I've never been able to shake it): I'm supposed to change the world.

The world doesn't make it all that easy. Earth can be a discouraging place to live, folks; I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Circumstances can be hard. People can be hurtful. It's so easy to get in a pessimistic, unbelieving, and unhappy mindset. Your heart can break.

But it can also mend. You can believe again.

All around me there are people trudging through life, taking each miserable step just to get to the next. Then there's me, sometimes practically skipping through the streets of New York, a big smile on my face. Maybe that's why people keep staring at me. Well, let 'em stare! Maybe my ridiculously goofy smile will spread to their faces just a little- wouldn't that be awesome?

I'm made to do this. I know that. I feel it confirmed every time I pray, every time I'm in church. God has given me gifts that were meant to be shared with the world. I don't say this out of cockiness; it's a destiny thing. God put the dream in me, and I won't stop believing.

Still, sometimes I get restless. I don't think it has so much to do with not being a world-changer. I think it has to do more with the weak, human fear I feel each time I feel I wanna change the world and a little voice whispers in my ear, "Then do it."

Don't really know why I felt compelled to write this today. Oh well. Inspiring video of the week:

The Tumultuous Week of the (Christian) Actor

The actor's life is a tumultuous one. In the week following Thanksgiving, I have gone from feeling blah about being back, to making a valiant effort to be in a great mood, to extreme disappointment with the school, to being more inspired about my career than I have ever been and once again comprehending the sheer flippin' awesome-ness of God.

I think it's probably going to always be tough to go see family and then return to NYC. Small town life (and Addison family life) and NYC life are so completely different, and while I've gotten to where I can truly say I Love New York, I will probably always be a small town boy at heart. Getting back Sunday night to an empty room and a crowded city made me feel a tad disillusioned, but I bucked up and made a decision to greet the next day full of friendliness and good cheer. And I did, and so did everyone else, and it was indeed delightful to see all my Section 7 buddies again. Then, unfortunately, Monday was followed by Tuesday (make sure and say that with a u-glide!), the suckiest of days, and the day on which I have to go to school from 11 in the morning to 8:30 at night. Also the day of Vocal Production class, the singing class which did nothing but infuriate and annoy me because I didn't even get to sing and I've had this dumb, unchallenging song from Beauty and the Beast waaaaay too long. I'm not learning anything in the class. So by the time I got to Alexander Technique, I was conversing annoyingly with my fellow Section mates how this school truly wasn't worth the tuition, I wasn't learning anything, I wished I could quit, wah wah wah! Naturally, that was the day that I had to stand up and do a monologue in Alexander, and my blah attitude showed through clear as day. Strangely enough, though, when that teacher started working on me, physically and mentally, and made me keep doing it 'til I got it right, I ended up delivering a small, comedic performance that everyone agreed was way more effective than my 'memorized monologue'.

I called my acting mentor, Robin Haynie, to let it all out- my disappointment with school, my strong will to be out working, my disagreements with the techniques we were learning- and do you know what she said? Putting all validness of the school aside (she's always wished I was in a University program somewhere), in either scenario the point of drama programs is to be in a place where you can PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE in a safe environment where someone just might be able to give you some good advice on how to improve. That's a simple truth. It's one that I've realized before, but needed reminding of. And really, it's pretty much exactly what AADA is there for: a place for me to practice my butt off, taking risks, and learning new methods that may or may not be what I choose to use; a safe place to go to deeper places than I ever have. As always, Ms. Haynie delivered the perfect advice. What's more, I think just letting it out and speaking my issues aloud was precisely what I needed to make me realize how meaningless they were. Besides what Robin said being totally true, I have even more incentive to be content: Faith. I have faith that God has put me and will continue to put me exactly where I need to be. Furthermore, I have been blessed- ooooh, have I been blessed! What right have I to complain?

Yesterday we had a Q&A with Judith Light, and it was probably the most inspiring, practical, real thing I've ever been to about my career. Everyone who went left visibly moved- I don't really know how to explain it. Judith was just so open and honest about how she works, and the things that inspire her. She's not a superstar like Kevin Kline, she's just a working, tremendously talented actress who has it figured out probably better than most anyone else. For those of you who can't put a face to the name, Judith Light starred for years on Who's the Boss- I've never seen that show, but from what I hear it's not exactly the epitome of monumental acting; what she's respected for is her decades worth of stage work in plays like Wit, A Doll's House, Hedda Gabler, and currently Lombardi. I know her from Ugly Betty (LOVE) on which she played Claire Meade. Perhaps the best way to share her brilliance is to tell you the main things she said that really struck me, though it will be nowhere near as eloquent as her:

• Acting is a Service Industry; we perform to serve people because they need something- to be entertained, moved, have catharsis, whatever. If they didn't need something, they wouldn't be paying to watch us. So it's important to remember as an actor that it's not about you. It's about what you can give. She talked about when she did Wit (for those of you who didn't see it when I did it, it's a riveting play about a woman with ovarian cancer coming to terms with the false views she's had about life. It's probably one of the most taxing roles a woman could play.). Each night she'd be sitting backstage at half hour to curtain saying, "You know I really don't feel like doing this tonight." And her husband would say, "Well, you've got a half hour to start feeling like it." And this would go on until 5 minutes to show, and then she would say a little prayer: Help me to be what these people need to see. And then she'd be ready to go. Every night.
• To be successful, you have to get to a point of really knowing yourself and your instrument well enough that you can have confidence that you are enough and will deliver the performance needed. It's tough, it takes years of practice, but you can get there. Decide that you deserve it. Decide to greet your work with open mind and open heart.
• There are greater forces at work in this universe, and if you trust them they will guide you to where you need to go. (I think Judith may be a secret Christian.)

I honestly don't think I will ever forget it. And then in class, my partner Ariana and I did the best read-thru of any of the new scenes yet. In rehearsal, we'd had a lot of trouble taking it seriously, so finally I said: If it's not serious, it's not serious. If we need to laugh, laugh. So we did, and we let it all out. And then we were ready. We went for it, and if I do say so myself, we hit it out of the ballpark.

I'm here for a reason. If I open my mind and heart, I can see it all around me. In huge, semi-life-changing things like Judith Light's Q&A to small things like discovering that Forever 21 prints John 3:16 on the bottom of all of their bags. Little affirmations. God has given me a dream, and I am here to fulfill that dream and that purpose. If I let go, he will guide me. I know that to be true. And that gives me more reason to fully devote myself, work my hardest, and believe in what I'm doing than anything else ever can.

We are Enough.

There's something we talk about a lot at AADA, a simple truth we have to be able to trust ourselves with in order to be really great performers: We Are Enough. So many people who act or perform try to put on a show- they pretend, create characters, etc- but in reality a lot of the most fascinating, moving, unforgettable moments come when people are really honest, when they are themselves reacting to their circumstances. It's a rather deep philosophy, and a little bit hard for many actors to believe- including myself. Yet it's true. If anything they've said at AADA thus far has been proven through the work, it's this. When the people working (whether it be in a scene or a song or even a dance) let go and are totally honest and open with their instincts and feelings, we all sit forward in our seats. We all look up from whatever we're doing. We can't take our eyes off of them.

 It's an interesting idea, isn't it? When people are themselves, fully expressed and uninhibited, they are most fascinating. That could probably be applied to a lot more than acting class.

As is generally the case with life, it comes and goes in a rush; life is a rollercoaster of emotions and events, and don't you try to deny it. In one day someone can say something to me that lands and festers like an unattended cut until it messes up my whole day, and then later that night I can attend the most fun midnight showing of Harry Potter of all time and be truly happy. Let me tell you: This was truly the BEST midnight showing EVER. It probably had something to do with the general nerdiness and excitement of the group I went with. We were the ones sprinting down the streets of New York, casting spells at innocent standers-by and screaming as we were pursued by imaginary death eaters. If that didn't attract your attention, you could have just checked out the lightning scars on our foreheads. On top of all that, we managed to be allowed to watch in a special, set-aside theater with probably no more than twenty other people who were all just as excited as us; naturally we all became friends. Not to mention we took some pretty rockin' pictures and I was lookin' fine. By the time I went to sleep that night, I couldn't have cared less what that person said that upset me so much.

I can't not look back, then, and wonder why I even bothered being upset in the first place? Whatever was said to me (or ever is, for that matter) is never going to really matter if I'm fully comfortable with myself and who I am. And what right have I to ever really not be comfortable with myself? Was I not created this way? Was I a mistake? Certainly not. And that's an awesome thought. And you know what else is cool? It works both ways. When I'm fully comfortable with myself and being totally uninhibited and real, everyone else thinks I'm pretty neat too. Those few who don't probably have some personal issues of their own to work out.

In less than 24 hours, I will be heading home for the first time since school started; by home I mean to my family, those fantastical, amazing people who always love me for who I am. Still, I have a feeling it's going to feel a little weird to be back in a small town. Isn't it crazy that I have three weeks left of this semester? This city has been an incredible, totally unique place to live, and I would lie if I said I haven't gotten used to the big city. There's just something about stepping onto the streets of New York. I'll miss it while I'm gone. They're setting everything up for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade that goes right down my street, and a little part of me wishes I could be hear to see it. Having said that, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE HOME AND I AM SHAKING WITH EXCITEMENT!!

Now for the big news: I am getting an apartment! Me and my friend Jake have started the application process for a lovely 4-bedroom on 100th St for nice little price. In typical NYC fashion, it happened in a heartbeat. We saw it one day and signed for it the next. As for those two extra bedrooms, we may have to put them up for rent on craigslist, but as of right now I believe they will be filled by two delightful ladies who I happen to love very much. Their names start with A & J. I will say nothing more...

We did the final performances of our first scenes today in class, and again I had one of my classmates tell me it was fantastic; my personal best, they said. Even our Bill Murray-look-alike teacher, Chris, had nothing but praise for us. It's good to hear those things. It's encouraging. It's affirming.

I am enough. You are enough. We are brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous; it scares us a little bit sometimes. But it's true. And when you are you, you are real, you are uninhibited and open and happy, people will not be able to take their eyes off of you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made; a fascinating and beautiful creation. And those people who don't like it aren't worth a second thought.

Irony at AADA

Life is full of irony, isn't it? Today I felt truly legit. We had a guest speaker come to our school named Kevin Kline. Yes. That Kevin Kline. Academy Award winner Kevin Kline. Came and had a little chat about the performer's life and mingled with us like we were old chums. It was undeniably cool, and he was utterly charming.

The night before was spent working until after 1 in the morning on coloring sheets for Movement Class. Yes. I'm serious. Coloring sheets.

So, essentially, within 24 hours I'd felt both completely grown up and like I was in kindergarten both as a result of AADA. Irony. One of life's most delightful little pleasures. (And ever so useful as an actor!)

I sang my song all the way through for my Section in Vocal Production yesterday and they now all are convinced that if I were to audition for a musical on Broadway tomorrow I would be cast. It's those little moments that make it all worth it. Section work continues to go well, and our group's choreography for All That Jazz is kicking everyone else's butt. The Good Week continues...

I sense an amazing week coming....

Macy's has got the first of it's Christmas window displays out. Giant animatronic scenes from Miracle on 34th Street (Which is where I live. Yeah. Be jealous.), a giant Christmas tree over the entrance, and huge sign hanging several stories high that says, "BELIEVE". Words cannot express how happy this makes me every time I see it. And I've been told by someone in the know, that these are actually just the pre-displays- the best is yet to come. I've been making a Christmas list, downloaded Mariah Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You' to my ipod, and started having dreams about snow. I am catching the Christmas spirit, y'all.

Stephanie Derrick, my friend from high school said this in her 30 Things about Me note on Facebook: "Jay Addison is one of the most... energizing, freeing, spirited, moving, motivational people I have ever met." I think it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. It pretty much made my life.

The Empire State Building has had blue and white lights illuminating the top for the past week. AADA colors. Represent.

This week I'm rehearsing/choreographing the opening overture to Chicago with my group from Movement, and we are FIERCE. On Wednesday Academy Award winner Kevin Kline will be at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts for a Q&A and I will be attending. On Thursday at midnight, I will be attending Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at midnight on 42nd Street and the fanboy in me will be at full throttle. My friend Jake and I are in the throws of considering/searching for a possible apartment next semester. And in approximately 9 days I will be flying home to my family for Thanksgiving. This is gonna be an amazing week. :)

I love my life. And I love the One who blesses me with it.

Love Overflowing...

I've been feeling an urge to change the world again lately. Every now and then it sneaks up on me and really hits me like BAM! Probably has to do with the scene work we've been doing in Acting class, which me and my partner Kait have been kicking butt at if I do say so myself. We had our midterm evaluations which consisted of all of our teachers stating what they thought of us on a sheet of paper and then meeting privately with our Acting teacher; essentially, they all love me. I kid, I kid. There are plenty of things for me to work on. My Acting teacher's main complaint was that I wasn't being quite the leader that he felt I was supposed to be. Story of my life...

Two new favorites from the Gym Chronicles: An entire team of some indistinguishable sport, all foreign. Probably Austrian or Swedish. Don't know why I would assume that since I have no idea what Austrians or Swedes look or sound like, but there you go. They all came in together in their spandex outfits and pulled the mats out into the middle of the floor and stretched in an unorganized manner. This lasted maybe 10 minutes. Then they all finished, stacked the mats back in the corner, and left. Good workout, huh? Second favorite: An old man who stood next to his wife jogging on the treadmill the whole time she ran, waiting for her to finish because he just wanted to be with her. His only activity was asking whether she needed more water or a towel or anything. Altogether now: AWW!

I watched Toy Story 3 with some friends from school tonight, and I must ardently warn any college freshman against watching that movie unless you are prepared for a big fat cry-fest. Lemme tell ya, we was all in tears. Such a good movie, but boy does it hit home right about now!

Home... I've been missing that place lately. When I think of home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing... I love that song. That's one thing that NYC, with all it's endless thrills, adventures, and excitement, is not: a place where there's love overflowing. That place is home, with my incredible, amazing, irreplaceable family who I miss like a you-know-what. THIRTEEN days until I go home; yes, I am counting. And yes, I cannot wait for those thirteen days to go by. 

However, there's just something about stepping out onto the streets of New York City. It's so alive, people everywhere, all ambitious (Some a little too ambitious. I'm talking to YOU, lady who nearly took me down on the sidewalk and then bustled off as if it was my fault.). This city is a place of energy, dreams, and people. People with the capacity to love; only most of the time they don't. They're too scared, or too busy, or selfish. Maybe they've spent their life never really thinking of anywhere as 'home', never giving or receiving love? But what if they did? You can either let this city make you feel very small, or you can feed off that energy and feel on top of the world when you step onto the sidewalk. It ain't always easy, but as much as I can... I choose the latter. And maybe when I get filled up with that energy, I could send it back out, in the form of love... overflowing from me and infecting the people around me, filling hearts... a world full of love... and then maybe this city, this world could be, just a little bit, like Home.

(At least that's my cheesy, dramatic, eternally optimistic idea.)

Git 'er Done, acting school style

A tumultuous couple of days (really more like couple of weeks) has resulted in a revelation. For over a week now, we've been working with our partners on Meisner repetition, but with a twist; one person is in the room (it is 'their space') working on a difficult activity, and the other person is waiting outside the door. The outside person knocks to come in and has a reason for coming in (an objective). But the dialogue between the two must be based solely on what is observed of the partner. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but think of it this way: If I entered the room of my partner and she said "You're wearing a black shirt.", I would repeat, "I'm wearing a black shirt." and we would continue that way until something else happened that forced us to acknowledge it. Like she began trying to do pirouettes. Or jumped in the air and screamed. Or started crying.

The problem with me was that I didn't understand the point of the objectives because our teacher almost never let us say them. If we did happen to say them ("I need to borrow a cucumber."), he would ask, "What in her manner said to you that she wanted to know what you wanted?" Well, she opened the door. She stared at me expectantly. Sometimes she asked what I was doing there. Are those not indications of her desire to know what I want? It frustrated me endlessly, to the point where I began to spend Acting class disconnected and annoyed every day.

Well, two days ago, it was my turn to go with an activity. I chose shuffling cards, trying to do the bridge. It was something I'd never been able to do and always wanted to, and I created a backstory of having to master it to get a well-paying one night casino fundraiser job so that I could afford to fly home for Thanksgiving. We went. My partner came in. Pretty quickly she achieved her objective and borrowed my phone. The session was over. Chris, my instructor, was not pleased.

In a long speech he successfully pointed out how I was not involved in what I was doing, I didn't believe my backstory, and Faye and I weren't really responding to each other honestly. He asked how much we had practiced over the weekend. I wasn't going to lie. We hadn't practiced at all. Without really saying so he clearly suggested that lack of involvement was the kind of thing that resulted in not being reaccepted second year. I believe him when he said that he wasn't trying to be a threatening old acting teacher, but the point was true: If I wasn't willing to put in the practice each day, what was I paying thirty thousand dollars for?

So we did it again. We raised the stakes. The job was the next day, and I had to spread and flip the cards across the table. If I didn't get this job, I wasn't going home for Thanksgiving and the family wasn't going to bother having it. Dad had called the day before and said how much it would mean for me to find a way home. We restarted. Faye came in and we did the repetition, and it got intense. It was real, but it also had to do with the situation I was actually in in the class. I finished and sat down.

My head was buzzing all night and all day the next day. The time came for Vocal Production, in which we were having our midterm, part of which included performing a monologue, and then singing it. This was the first time I'd really acted for my Section, and the first time I'd sung for over half of them. I got up. I did Biff from Death of a Salesman, and I don't mind saying it was good. Several of them were in tears. And then I sang. And they applauded. Afterward one of them came up and took my face in their hands and told me that I was the most talented person they'd ever met.

And it was exciting! It was scary to perform for them, but then it was so thrilling to see myself appreciated. Is that vain? I don't think so. You see, with the stress of school and adjusting to a new life and trying to make friends, I think I'd forgotten how much I really love what I'm doing. I love acting, performing. It's what I was made to do. I fully believe that. But that doesn't mean that I don't ever get frustrated or distracted and forget what I'd doing here. But having my lack of motivation laid out for me and then getting the opportunity to once again see that my talent, this dream of mine is legitimate was a reawakening for me. What am I doing at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts if I'm not going challenge myself, take risks, learn as much as I can, work as hard as I can? I can do this. I think that's what Chris was trying to get me to realize. If I devote myself completely to the craft, I can do fantastic things. So that's what I've got to do. It's what I was made to do.