Lost

I've been trying to come up with the words to say. I can't tell you how many times I've come to this page and then just stared at it. I questioned whether I should even bother to write about this, but this is what it is, so... I guess I still don't really know what to say...

As all of you know, life can turn on you sometimes. That has happened to me. It's been awhile since I've gone through a really rough time, but unfortunately that time has come again. More unfortunately, it is largely due to the same person it has been for almost two years now, and for largely the same reason. Perhaps most unfortunately of all is that this time has hit me harder than before. I find myself questioning everything I believe in, because suddenly it doesn't really make sense.

Vagueness, I know, is not appreciated. It is, however, somewhat necessary in this situation. Some of you know, many of you don't, that I returned to my hometown of Kemp, Tx during my spring break this past week for pretty much one reason: Because I thought that the relationship I've been pursuing for almost the past two years had finally come to be, just as I had always, in the deepest part of me, believed that it would. Last Friday night, everything I had hoped for seemed to be coming true. It was a perfect moment. But then it fell apart, and I fell with it.

How can I believe that it is meant to be and be wrong? How can it not be reciprocated? Was I wrong? It doesn't make sense.

I feel stupid for being so mistaken about this person. I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken by what they've done to me. I feel mad because of the difficulty of the situation for both of us, which played a huge role in why it didn't work out. I feel wasted because of how much time has been spent on this with no reward. And most awful is that for the past two years I have been pretty much solely relying on God to guide my steps. I have tried to live each day for him, through him, and by him. He led me here. I was continually brought back to this person no matter how many times I tried to end it. And it was for nothing? That doesn't make sense to me. And as hard as it is to explain exactly why, this current situation reveals to me some much larger issues with my life that I have pretty much no control over.

So what do you do when you become so lost? I don't know. I created the most perfect coping playlist ever created. I put on a happy face- I can always cry myself to sleep at night. Make the best of each day, if only for everyone else's sake. And I certainly ask for your prayers. This is going to tough, as evidenced by the plane ride to Colorado spent with tears streaming down my face (no doubt making the passengers around me most uncomfortable).

Life will go on. I know this. Right now, I am numb with emotion because I do not understand. But the fact that I am still acknowledging God with my anger means I still know that he’s real. And I believe that there can be reason behind this. I have to believe that.

"Stop worrying where you’re going- Move on. If you can know where you’re going, you’ve gone. Just keep moving on. I chose and my world was shaken- So what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You keep moving on."

I'm lost. I'm hoping to find the light again. Please keep me in your thoughts.